23 October, 2016

G-d's Presence Beginning Young

As a current member of a high Episcopal/Anglican church (and have been for many years), I have begun transitioning to even more of the liturgical and saint focused aspects of the Anglican Catholic church. While the high Episcopal/Anglican church does utilize rosaries, the prayers are non specific, as they are in the typical Roman Catholic church.

While our prayers have slightly changed lately as our walk in Christ has begun to grow, the repetitiveness of our nightly prayers and rosary use - is amazing to see. Em knows exactly where to go get her beads every night when it's bed time, and she while she can't kneel yet, she will full body lay on her beads - and I will join her.

We pray a compline prayer, or even pray the Catholic Rosary - and the fact that my 17 month old daughter can sit there in complete and utter contemplation as we praise and reflect and connect with our Savior and those around him - well it's probably the most amazing thing to see.

Next to her powerful and strong AMEN's! One of the first words she learned, and one of the coolest mom moments I have had  - I still pat myself on the back over that one.

After her powerful Amen, she will pull out the drawer where her rosary goes, and put it away.

Again - pretty dang impressive for a 17 month old to be that connected and instilled in what we are commanded to do as Christians - and more so as members of his true Church.

I read this thing on Facebook earlier today - that its not that churches don't have enough rock and roll worship, or Sunday School fun or whatever to draw children and teens into the church- it's that there's not enough Jesus happening at home. I hope that Emily Ruth looks back one day at the strength of her namesake (Ruth) and her strong belief system that she has so proudly taken upon herself already - and is grateful that I as her momma, raised her right.

Heavenly Father - may my efforts to love You, outweigh the world that wants to place anxiety in my mind and heart. May I continue to follow You on Your true path, knowing that I am raising my children to grow up knowing and loving You, as well as sharing that true knowledge of what true Christ like love is with others.

18 October, 2016

This is realness - this is life.

Despite imperfections, which each and every one of us have - and perhaps one of mine is or perhaps one one of my redeeming traits is (depends on how you see it, I reckon) -
Despite battles.
Despite doing this all alone.
Despite being tired at times - because I am a single mom, I deserve to be tired.
Despite being hurt - because there's no denying things said, behaviors done, and actions by people have hurt me.
Despite the cruel coldness that has been spit on me since I found out I was pregnant over two years ago.
Since all of that, and despite all of that - I have never not allowed a certain person to be part of Em's life. Despite my aching heart because of how much I loved him, I never stopped talking to him on her behalf. 

Even when he, repeatedly would treat me awful, and not help, and not contribute, and not visit, and not even respond to a text message(for weeks and months on end, whenever it suddenly "re-became" convenient for him) - even despite all of that. I sent photos. I offered opportunities to Skype. I went above and beyond my hurt heart and anger at what and how he treated me.

Because I was trying to make a father.

And as someone that was bluntly honest with me recently said: "You can't (always) make fathers, but you can find one. You are beautiful, and she is amazing - so go find one."

Father G-d - it's time, give me the strength I plea. 
I have three lils that deserve me to find my own happiness and strength now. They know, and will continue to know that I am and have been strong for them - but it's time I learn to be strong for me.

Addison Elisabeth Hill, who made me a mom and Brooklyn Reed Hill who is the most amazing handsome little guy and Emily Ruth Pettrey who helped me realize I was stronger than I knew - I love you weirdos! <3