06 October, 2017

Still I Rise

Still I Rise
Maya Angelou, 1928 - 2014

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
 I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

28 March, 2013

Domine Iesu Christe, Fili Dei, miserere mei, peccatricis.

I was certain that I had written a blog during Holy Week last year - and what I had experienced. However, much to my dismay, apparently I did not. 

It's amazing how fast time truly 'flies' - that an entire year has flown since I was sitting at Trinity Episcopal in Staunton, Va with my then boyfriend, Alex. It's incomprehensible all that has transpired, taken place and become since this time last year -but what's more, it's beautiful how far my walk has grown in the year since.

Sitting in the church - I had no idea what was to come. I had remembered (vaguely) growing up, my favourite service was the "boom" service (Maundy Thursday) however I did not remember what the service actually entailed. Thus sitting in the dark sanctuary, my nerves were everywhere, as I anxiously awaited what would eventually become one of the most pivotal and life-changing moments of my Christian walk.

All I know - is whatever happened during that service - transformed my heart, turned my soul upside down, and lifted my spirit to a height it had never been prior. I've since that Thursday - anxiously awaited this Thursday, 2013 - hoping to experience a 10th of the amazingness that I did last year - but also knowing that I could never expect nor compare what transpired last year, to reoccur.

When things (that I haven't, nor doubt I shall) happened with my church home here in Frederick, MD recently that left me 'churchess' - beyond the several obvious reasons, I was bummed that I would miss such an amazing service with that church. For some reason, my spirit likes the 'old church' feeling - I know that Christ is in our hearts, not a 4 wall building - but sitting in the traditional Catholic or Anglican church speaks much more than perhaps the newer white buildings.

Watching the alter be stripped - the cross covered - the lights off, no alleluliah's, no closing or blessing, the priest coming out after the alter had been stripped, and knealing before the alter of Christ, to begin the watch... It is something that I can not put into words, nor translate the feelings and emotions that overcame me - but it was, as I said, the most amazing, spiritual experience I had ever had.

I remind myself - and those that may read this blog - that today, is the day that Christ shared his love to the world - giving the gifts of his true oneness - his blood and body - that the remainder of the year, we should be so luck to partake in during the communion sacrament. As someone who truly believes in transubstantiation, tonight is a constant remind of what that amazing gift we receive during Eucharist truly is.

Lord... Jesus Christ, have mercy on ME, a sinner

Hebrews 10:11-14 And every priest stands daily at his service, offering repeatedly the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins.12 But when Christ[a] had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God, 13 waiting from that time until his enemies should be made a footstool for his feet. 14 For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.

John 6:35 Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.

05 June, 2011

"You know how I did it? This is how I did it, Anton: 
I never saved anything for the swim back..."

Today, as I went for my 'Sunday long run' (which actually seems to be progressively getting shorter...) I was scared of trailing from that which I know very much, because on Friday's run I ended up very very lost in 'my town' and ended up expelling way too much energy in the beginning not realizing I was going to be running so far, and at the end, was crying in miserable knee pain.

As I went on this road called Shookstown Rd, that seems needlessly un-ending; and even more so, it's an unending uphill battle towards a 'mountain'. I guess I didn't realize this when running it, because I was full of adrenaline, but when I finally turned around because I knew that I didn't want to be running 5 miles uphill, to have to only turn around and run 5 more (even if downhill)... well, when I turned around I realized "oh wow, I'm on a 'mountain', oh wow there's a valley in Frederick..." etc etc - it for a split moment reminded me of Utah, and looking down on the valley from the top of Capitol Hill where I used to live; or from the UofU's campus, or from the many places where you could hike/walk/drive/etc to see atop mountains to see the valley's below. I got homesick for Utah for a split second; but I then had this 'a HA!' moment - which I seem to have all too often, and yet not often enough - where I decided I was going to swim, without saving anything for the swim back.

I was going to swim, into my 'new life', into the Valley of Frederick, Md. I was going to exert all my energies into becoming the person I crave so much to be, that I don't have any energy left to look back on who I once was and regret. That I have no energy left to wish for my broken heart to be healed by past love. I was going to exert all my energies into my life yet to be... 

And here, I stand swimming. The race just begun; with no ending in sight.

30 May, 2011

A Gift

You tell me I'm a walking contradiction,
that my body defers me from the thoughts of my mind.
My mouth is just a bowl full of lies.
But here, in this moment, if I promised the truth
would you really stop to hear the words of my youth?

Cause realities aren't easily apprehended
And I promise you this is one of them
That in the very moment I saw you, the earth stood.
Everything left me, no longer knowing the meaning of heartache.
Life's detriments buried deep in the wake.

Are you listening my friend?
Do you hear the words that soar from my lips?
Like the dove that once knew how to fly
gracefully, like a child staring up into the sky
That then got shot down by the man with a gun
and never thought she'd reach above.

You came into my world, unknowingly a tornado.
Destroying all that was built upon these false halos.
Leaving nothing but an empty dark tunnel,
but with promises I’d never have to crawl through it alone.
Suddenly okaying all the windblown.

How can something so extraordinary be so wrong
Where was I when you walked along.
Take my awkward words and silence them
Trust my heart that it's been widened.
Open for the moment that you would've allowed me to hide in.

Unbeknownst that I could never have this,
oh the sorrows that I crave to be measureless
The dove gaining her pride and strength again
learning to soar through the sky, no longer a freshman
not afraid of the man or his frightful deathblow
but trusting in hope for a strengthened tomorrow.

This is where I say my afflicting goodbyes
and thank you for all the beautiful moonrise
A beauty that I feared would never be known
Anxiously awaiting my deaths deep silenced tone
yet now with a heart opened, allowing to be shown.

A suffering filled with great anguish,
wishing to tell you, you deserve only to be cherished,
and repay you for all the madness reverted
with words that are easier typed then sown.
A voice once warned ridden, grown.

An inclination known for the best
that I must give to you, my heart's lovely guest.
Not easily awakened, with hopes of conceiving.
The ending to the novelette so well acquainted.
A gift of avoidance; the scandal blighted.