16 December, 2015

But life inevitably throws us curve balls, unexpected circumstances that remind us to expect the unexpected. I've come to understand these curve balls are the beautiful unfolding of both karma and current. Carre Otis


To be fair, I am not sure curveballs are what I would call life lately. 
Perhaps it's a matter of trying and hoping and praying,
over and over and over,
that things, people, circumstances,
will finally change.
And when those things, people, or circumstances
don't change,
and in fact behave, do and operate in the ways that they always have,
at what point do you stop assuming it's a curve ball?
At what point do you realize you have no right to be shocked.

When it's been non - stop deceit.
Hypocrisy.
Manipulation.

Well, I guess at some point you have to finally accept what is.
At some point you have to learn, no matter the pain to swallow,
that 'that' little white flag? 
Even if you never in a million years wanted to wave it,
you've got to finally wave it.
And wave it high.

Because when we surrender to truth,
we open ourselves up to accepting reality.
And when we accept the reality,
again, no matter how painful or unwanted it may be,
we become stronger.

A week ago I thought my life was headed in such a different direction,
when I should have known better,
Because of that continuous non stop deceit - hypocrisy- and manipulation.

But I foolishly allowed myself to think:
"This time will be different. This time the lies will be done with. This time the manipulation won't happen. This time the intentional hurt won't arise."

And of yet, it did.
To no one or no thing's fault, but my own.
Because I, knowing better, allowed myself to be lied to.
I allowed myself to be manipulated.
And I allowed myself to be intentionally hurt.

But I won't anymore.

So I surrender.
I surrender to truth,
knowing that I can not hope, wish or pray something changes,
when something refuses to change.

I can not hope, wish or pray for anything, but the strength of my G-d and Savior,
whom I know loves me, and has promised me his favor.

After all,
You can not be bring light to a darkness that refuses to shine.
No matter how small or how big your attempts,
darkness of this magnitude will remain darkness,
and I must learn to let my light shine and reflect in other places.