16 April, 2015

Romans 8:28

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, 
 for those who are called according to his purpose.

Dear Self,
do not give up.
You are stronger than you think.

14 April, 2015

Acts of Violence Can Never Be Acts of Love...

In times of struggle in my life, I am no stranger to vaguely referring to the difficulties that lay in my way. 

But the vague messages, the minute glimpses merely leave people confused and concerned - rather than aware of how they can help, pray, or even respond.

I remember sitting in the car with the love of my life - the person I thought I would spend every day with, the rest of my life. I shared with him a song I had found... "Calm after the storm" by the Common Linnets.

I had no idea how voluminous and insightful of our future that song would be in that moment. 

And yet it was.

Livin' in the heartache Was never something I pursued I can't keep on chasing What I can't be for you.

I remember the police asking his mother if she had seen us argue before - if she had seen us physically fight - if he had hit me before. 

She began to speak - but stopped - because she knew as well as I , the only time she could recall - was a time she walked in to his bedroom, seeing him on top of me punching me. To which she rolled her eyes, and walked out.

It wasn't the only time. And her son wasn't the 'innocent little boy' they tried so hard to claim and argue he was.

None of us are

We're each full of demons that haunt us - and in moments of weakness, if we allow them to, can get the best of us.

I close with the following excerpt from the article "He Never Hit Me":

"When it was over, I wasn't permitted to mourn him. No one could understand how love, hate, fear and comfort could coexist simultaneously. They could not understand that in addition to my abuser, I also lost my confidant, the person to make dinner with, the person to watch movies with on a rainy Sunday, the person to laugh with, the person who knew me. I lost my companion. How can you explain to someone that the abuse was only a part of who he was? How do you explain that to yourself?
There are still days when I remember tender moments and wonder if it really was that bad. I still struggle with reconciling how he could love me to the point of tears and yet hurt me as if I was an enemy. Like a child, I'm learning to redefine the borders of normal behavior and to realign my expectations. I remind myself that acts of violence can never be acts of love"