30 April, 2014

" I think you're the only person who gets me. When I'm with you, the world doesn't feel like a problem I can't figure out. Please come to the dance, because you're my music. "

Living with something that seems - so obvious - for 28 years - to a world that seems to not understand, or catch on... is far from easy.

Being able to articulate via words - while though I may be (extremely) verbose, the facts that remain real - these past nearly 3 decades of life - are hard to diminish or extinguish. The fact that I have so OBVIOUSLY lived with something - while I could never articulate or define it - nor could anyone else - (nor does anything in life NEED to be defined...) - but perhaps at least then - I could better understand me... I could better explain, execute myself, better say "this is who I am and this is why I do what I do".

  • This is why I push people away
  • This is why I struggle so hard with meaningful relationships
  • This is why I can befriend a stranger but never make a close friend
  • This is why I have never been able to succeed at any type of personal or close relationship....

Perhaps that's exactly why, when I met my dear - amazing - sweet- compassionate - and far TOO understanding, BAE - my life suddenly felt ... not just complete, but Safe. Understandable.... but even more so "Okay".

There is so much GOOD I could write about now... and there's even more (as always) BAD I could write about right now - but all I can seem to focus on - is that somehow, despite every shortcoming within me - despite every IMPERFECTION and BAG I carry - I am loved. And not just by a perfect savior (who surely is all that TRULY matters or is needed) -  but by a MAN. 

I NEED to write about why this man is so perfect (for me).
I NEED to write about how grateful I am for his AMAZING family.
EVEN MORE & MOST IMPORTANTLY - I NEED to write about how much I miss, and long and ACHE for my babes... and how much my heart truly hurts and misses them....

But for now? I just have to trust - that life is,somehow, despite how fearful and scared I am, okay.