15 January, 2014

We'll go up, up, up... but I'll fly a little higher... and maybe some day, I'll see you again.

Zach, I believe I first heard your story... many moons ago. I don't remember how or why, but even though you won't ever be able to read this, I want you to somehow know I am grateful I did.

People say I am too honest - I am too forward - I am too forgiving - and I am too open.

But don't we all have a past, Zach? Don't we all have a story?
Those of us who are fortunate enough to, that is.

And just because we have a past, do we have to be ashamed of it?
I don't think so...
And somehow, if I think you were still here, you would agree.

I didn't know you,
and I know I never will get that amazing opportunity to do such,
but maybe I can think of a few words,
just maybe,
you would have shared.

But maybe if not, Zach?
I'll take these words at least as words to my own self.
And perhaps, just maybe?
Someone,
anyone,
will find comfort in them.

From one who got the chance to carry on, to one who didn't,
I dedicate this to you, Zach.

I hope you're dancing with all the amazing people I once knew,
who are now getting to know the amazing you,
that I never got to know.

Tell Hattie, Hello, and treat her special - she was my hero.
Tell John Hello, he was my best freaking friend.
and Tell Eric hello too... and tell him, I am sorry we ever drifted.
He and I had known each other since we were 5.
Tell my father Hello.. I never got to know him as an adult.
----------------------------------

Who I was at 18? that's not who I am today.
And I thank my G-d every day for that.
Not because I was a bad person,
I have never been a 'bad person'.
I have always loved,
always cared,
and always wanted good,
 for ALL!

But I have been a searching person,
and I am grateful the G-d I love?
He wants me to search.
He doesn't want me to ever stop searching.
Just as much as I never want to be comfortable,
knowing comfort provides stagnancy,
He too never wants that for me.

But how so few know that...
But more so - how hard it is to accept that.
Because that means... that means I had to accept at an early age...
that life was never going to be easy for me.

After all, I've been through a lot.
A hell of a lot.
Even as a 28 year old;
I have been through a lot.
I have stories enough for many centennials to share.
But I would never want them to have to have them.

No matter how hard my life has been...
if the only thing I can EVER say is...
I am grateful it happened to me...
because somehow, no matter how hard it is or has been,
I know I can get through...
and I'm not sure how many others could. 
So thank you G-d for trusting me,
that I could handle it,
even when it hurts.
Even when it takes everything in me to somehow...
to somehow get through.
Thank you for choosing me, 
because I won't give up...
Not on me, and not on You.

And somehow despite the hardness, 
YOU believed in ME.
And you blessed me with people,
that even when I thought I had no one,
reminded me I did have someone.
Many someones.
I just merely had to swallow selfish pride,
and ask.

Just like with G-d,
Every.
Single.
Day.