14 February, 2012

And I truly believe, that I am capable of being the mightiest.

On Sunday I went to church specifically at a location, merely because I knew the priest was once Mormon. To be honest – and quite frank – at one point in my life, I may have found this man ‘obnoxious’. And as abrupt as that may seem – in reality, it merely means he hits the truths and realities that so many ministers/pastors/priests/whatever’s fear to touch on – and in a really, well…candid way. He does things because of love – not because others may see it as right or not. In conversing with him – I felt like I was talking to an ‘older’ male version of myself – and that alone got me thinking about how I present myself, ha! But really – he was straight forward, unashamed and much grounded in what he thought and felt was right and what was wrong. And who am I to knock one for being so assertive in sharing what they feel as 100% truth?

But then he gave his ‘sermon’ (or whatever the equivalent term is in the Episcopal Church). And holy macro – way to speak to my gut.

I’d be a big fat liar if I didn’t admit that I have been struggling – woah big time – to ‘finding’ that one time relationship with God I once had. As a teenager – it was overwhelmingly ‘there’. When I was baptized LDS – it was ‘overwhelmingly’ there. When I prayed so boldly and openly on my knees the night before I left the LDS church to make sure what I was doing/where I was going/ the direction I was headed/ the places I were about to enter – were right… and I not only got an immediate answer (which I have yet to have again, nor had I had but once prior in my life) – but then I was given answers in less immediate but absolute related ways so then there after on the next very day.

And yet, no matter how much I have craved that desire. No matter the fact that I begin and end my day with a devotion, prayer, meditation, thought and examination -  no matter how much I plead, or attempt to trust, or submerse myself into the cultures and rituals and people – I’m so much farther lost than I have ever been. But yet my heart, not believing – having an honest, absolute ‘no’ faith – knows, that it craves to believe. It craves that one on one relationship with Christ that I once had – it craves that desire, and passion, and ‘candle’ – to be light again. And yet – it’s not. And it’s been so tempting to just stop – and give up – and say well, if it was real I’d ‘feel’ it by now – if a god was out there, why the hell would all the stuff going on in my life be happening (how selfish, right?), etc.

The sermon mentioned how Mother Theresa as a teenager had this great, ‘aha’, conversion experience – and she spent the rest of her life pleading with God  to have another moment of that closeness and assurance – and she didn’t. And yet, look at how she lived her life: With such kindness, compassion, true sincere love & affection for the world – that she was named a Saint. He (the priest) than talked about a friend of his who lives in a holy community – where their entirety is devoted to the faith – all waking moments of the day – and how this friend had contacted him and said “I don’t believe”. But she was still there – continuing with the rituals and rights of each and every day that took place in this community – with no desire to leave. He (priest) said how often it is that even those we are sitting next to at church, in our community, at work, etc. – how many of them may not ‘be believing’ but desire to – so they continue on… and how it’s our job as fellow believers in Christ – to allow them to grab hold of our faith – that we be strong enough in our faith that we can  let others who desire to believe, cling to us until they are strong enough to find that once so passionate fire on their own.

Just now writing this-made me think of the notion in the LDS church, which so many ‘anti Mormons’ look down on – but in reality, it’s something greatly admirable about the members of that church. So often you hear that members of the LDS church don’t have ‘their own testimony’ but rely on the testimony of their family/spouses/parents/friends/community etc. – and it’s looked down on because people think that if something is so real or true you should be able to have your own testimony – but look at Mother Theresa – look at Paul who wanted so desperately to share the gospel with the Jews and was shot down over and over, and who became near hopeless and began to question his own prayers to God (until of course he realized what was being gained because of that ‘unanswered prayer’).

Not that any of this gave me an actual discourse of “well I now can say I 100% without a doubt believe” –but it relight the spark enough to keep my heart searching. And sometimes that spark of search, as little as it may be, is what keeps me going – it’s what allows me to keep climbing the mountains of life that the peaks only seem to get further and further away – even though as much as I am climbing, they should be getting closer.  

I’m grateful – that no matter how much sorrow may be consuming my life lately – how much my heart aches, how often the tears consume my physical, the aching consuming my spiritual and emotional… that somehow, I am given the strength to wake up another morning. It’s become a daily battle to not want to jump off a damned bridge – but I don’t. Because of that one small spark – that is enough to give me hope.

I get ‘embarrassed’ to write the reality of my emotions in my blog – because I want to portray myself as the ever so cheerful Blair who endures things sure, but keeps going with a smile. But I think it’s important that I show the raw reality which I’m facing lately, too. So hang in there with me – it’s another battle of this same war of my life – but as history proves, the mightier always win, even if they are less prepared, less in number, and even sometimes weaker. And I truly believe, that I am capable of being the mightiest.