29 September, 2011

Playlist for Sept 26-30

I haven't posted a weekly playlist in forever... ok really, it's been at least 2 years? I know I was living in Utah since I last did it - but I totally get into specific songs for a week, so I'm going to bring it back!
Here's what I'm loving this week! ♥



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27 September, 2011

It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing. And there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it, right? And this bag was just... dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. That's the day I realized that there was this entire life behind things, and this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid. Ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... I need to remember...Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world feel like I can't take it... and my heart is going to cave in...I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.


25 September, 2011

q


(There seems to be a very prevalent amount of Lindsey and Missinoaries in my life... I'm a-Okay with both )

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.
-- Albert Schweitzer

24 September, 2011



With enough courage, you don't need a reputation.
- Rhett Butler

Have I told you lately that I don't do giving up?

in·ac·tive/inˈaktiv/ : Not working; inoperative

Oh no no no... you say inactive and you think that means I'll give up? Tisk Tisk Tisk.
Nope. Not gonna work honey, not on THIS 'sister'.
It just means you NEED ME, That. Much. More.
It means you need a sister to reach out,
to grab your hand and say,
Girlfriend-I understand.
To tell you, heck yeah I've been there.
I've been done that road.
I've struggled too.
I aint perfect, no-sir-ee.
Ain't ever gonna be perfect, either.
I get the Utah mormon.
Molly's my worst enemy.
And of course there's a dozen in every ward.
Only to be matched, with perfect Peter Priesthood.
But, seriously.
My poor, poor visiting teaching people....
cause I think they thought I would just give up.
HA.
Ha.
HA.
(Cause truth is, more than you need me, I needed you.
To re-light the flame in my heart
that is so passionate about sharing
the gospel with people
like
you!)

Why do you live...? Because I have something worth living for ♥

I love music that speaks to my soul. A song will hit me - speak to me - and over and over for a day, a week, a month (however long) I will listen to that song on repeat. Totally happening with this song right now.



Instead of wasting efforts trying to explain about the misfortunes and regrets of my past - I simply state, how grateful that I have today to live for.

20 September, 2011

siempre con cariño ♥

McFly
BEC!!
PEDERSON
WARD!
KIRBY McFly Spock Pederson Ward IdahoPotatoWatts BEC! Kennard
Kirby McFly Spock Pederson IdahoPotatoWatts Ward BEC! Blair
Kirby McFly Spock Pederson IdahoPotatoWatts Ward BEC! Blair
Saying goodbye to BEC! :(
This was me trying to decide who to stand next to... the missionary who stole my soul, or the missionary who stole my heart! ;) ♥



Still trying to decide...

19 September, 2011

Dear BEC,
 I kinda love your guts. You were an incredible rock in my life, without even knowing.
 I will pretend I won't be sad without you here,
 but really...dang it.

BEC is leaving Wednesday. BEC2.0 will replace him. Sike (I just said sike?), BEC can't be replaced.
BEC2.0 will attempt to be half the BEC, BEC was. So perhaps I shall name BEC2.0; halfBEC.
McFly2.0 (?) no...

This is me attempting to be vague as possible and to be haha funny
so no one secretly knows
that BEC leaving, kills me! :(

I will go non-cry now.

18 September, 2011

Boohoo, Blair.

This weekend was stake conference at my ward (or in my stake rather...). And quite honestly, I dreaded it. I was hoping I could find an excuse to not go. But I begrudgingly went. (And really, only because I was in Chicago last weekend, and so I missed church, and that was the first time in the 4 months since moving to Frederick, I had missed church and I hated it!).

Prior to it beggining, there was a special gathering for the new members - where a few new members bore their testimony, and then the Maryland mission president spoke.

One of the members who spoke, spoke about how he thought once he got baptized, life would suddenly get easier - and how it's actually the opposite - and how the devil's been strong. And my heart melted. Because that's exactly how I have been feeling since I got baptized. And while I know the gospel is true, it's not easy - and to know that I'm not alone in feeling that way... it just helped lift my spirits so much.

I felt guilty for being in that room though - that room of 'new members'. I forget that I'm a technical 'new member'. And I feel like I am not a new member, I'm an old member who was only active a few short months, and then walked away for 8 years - and now I'm back. But that's not the case. (At least the whole of it). Satan knows that I struggle with feelings of worthiness - he knows my temptations, and throws them at me. And then he knows that he can really get at me by making me feel an enormous sensation of guilt, that I simply can not let go of. I feel guilty for being a 'technical' new member.I feel guilty for the stupid coping mechasms (or lack there of) I have. I feel guilty for being sick. I feel guilty for wanting more from my ward. I feel guilty that I want a bishop I can go to and feel like he hears me. I feel guilty that I feel so lost in my ward. I feel guilty that if I struggle. I feel guilty that I'm not a better friend, a better example of our church, a better example of the truth that I know.  And then I get terribly, emotionally upset. And while I still go to church weekly, it takes everything in me. And then I get home and immediately 'turn it off' so that I don't have to sit and think of the guilt. And while I may pray and read my scriptures daily; there's a very real, distinct disconnect that has separated me from the spirit that I should feel whilst doing those things - because of the guilt I carry.

I struggle with knowing that I walked into my bishop's office and begged for a calling, so that I could have a reason to attend church on Sunday's - because I'm at 'that' point, where I give up - and stop going - and yet I'm not given one. I hate feeling judged, while I'm sitting watching amazing people give even more amazing talks during stake conference - because that's merely how my ward makes me feel. I want to scream profane things at people that I don't know saying "WAKE UP" - you're not being a good example, you're a hypocrite, you're blahblahblah - but really, then how would I be any different! I'm sick of trying to strike up conversations with people - because I know otherwise, in my ward, I will sit there, by myself, with no one acknowledging my presence. Honestly - had I not had such an amazing foundation laid before me - and years, and years of studying, pondering, praying, non-praying, non-pondering, etc - if it was merely based on an experience from my ward - I would have run like hell and never looked back. And then I feel guilty for feeling that.

I asked for a calling, twice. I asked for a patriarchal blessing so that I could have some type of purpose, and meaning. And I feel guilty that I think I deserve either of those things. That obviously they aren't in store for me, so why do I keep asking.

At what point, even though I know the gospel is true without a doubt, do I stop. At what point do I give up and stop wasting my time - because I know that it's not going to change. And then when do I stop caring in general - stop reading my scriptures, and stop praying, and stop keeping covenants.

I started writing this, purely so I could share a couple awesome quotes from conference today... share some uplifting scriptures & reminders that were spoken. And I trailed off... my heart began speaking for me. But for an uplifting thought or two - because I do believe in the beauty of the gospel, though I struggle as a human - I will share some killer things! :)

"I am positive in my mind that the Lord has planned our destiny. Sometime we will fully understand. And when we see back from the vantage point of the future, we shall be satisfied with many of the happenings of this life that are so difficult for us to comprehend"  - President Spencer W. Kimbell
Peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.
DC 121:7
"In serving we are blessed and in giving we receive!" 
A rising tide lifts all boats
 Death does not stop salivation.
Psalm 27:4 One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.
 Psalm 57 - All of it, but especially - While the pure in heart, and the wise, and the noble, and the virtuous, shall seek acounsel, and authority, and blessings constantly from under thy hand.
And thy apeople shall never be turned against thee by the testimony of traitors.
DC 122 - Again, all of it, but especially .."Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever." ♥

17 September, 2011

A picture speaks a thousand words:







It took me 26 years - but I found 'it'. It took a hell of a LOT of mistakes.
 Mistakes I Never.Thought.I.Would.Make.
It took regret, and nights sobbing, losing things I loved and cared for deeply. It took losing everything.
But I found happiness.
I found truth.
I found who I am,
and what I am.

A loved, blessed, daughter of my father in heaven.
Who is far from perfect.
But has a strong understanding of the gospel.

I know that I have a father in heaven, that every time I fail - every time I stumble home, picks me up in his arms and takes me in - because even though I am not perfect - he is. And He understands, and cares for me.

I've never known what I've discovered tonight.
And I'd take the 26 years of pain and devastation,
of mistakes, regrets, losses...
just to know,
what I so deeply know.

I'm a member of the lord's church.
I've made mistakes.
I will never be perfect.
But I know, now, more than ever, that what I want is to do all I can to return to my loving father in Heaven.



This is part of a series of how _ changed my life.
How mormonism changed my life.
How true friendship changed my life.

15 September, 2011

Can You Imagine?

I have never understood the importance of having children memorize battle dates. It seems like such a waste of mental energy. Instead, we could teach them important subjects such as How the Mind Works, How to Handle Finances, How to Invest Money for Financial Security, How to be a Parent, How to Create Good Relationships, and How to Create and Maintain Self-Esteem and Self-Worth. Can you imagine what a whole generation of adults would be like if they had been taught these subjects in school along with their regular curriculum?
Louise L. Hay

13 September, 2011

I want every day of my life to be one that was worth living.

For my birthday, freaking 26, I got myself a lil bit closer to out of debt.... and a gym membership.

Because let's be honest - with health issues & a new(well really, it's no longer new, so that's a bad excuse) job (that does occupy a heck of a lot of my time), I have been a huge slacker on the exercise thing - and it's no good. I am not only healthier and better looking when I work out - I'm much happier. Since I work ridiculous hours unfortunately I didn't join the gym with the group classes which I thrive in - so I'll have to learn to thrive without groups, dancing in my head, to the possibilities of Planet Fitness's 24 hour awesomeness.

I can't believe in less than 24 hours I will be 26 years old. Will I wake up at 5am crying like every year since 18?

I hope not. I hope I wake up thinking "Yep, bitch's - watch out, Blair's here - I've dealt with the shit, so I'm ready to rock out with my cock out".

And yes I just said all of that on my blog. Aint no denying, Mormon or not, Blair uses curse words to define life ;).

Seriously. Life excites me. It could end at any moment, now, today, tomorrow, a year from now, or magically 100 years from now. Who knows - there's no certainties, but there's no use in stressing or being sorrowful.

 I want every day of my life to be one that was worth living.

So, with that - my final message on my final day of 25? Blair, you're awesome. You learned a heck of a lot about yourself this year. You jumped through loops you didn't think were possible, dealt with things you never dreamed of having to do. You're a strong woman, and just as much as 2 years ago when you began this blog as now - hear yourself ROAR!

08 September, 2011

Whilst packing (which really, I shoullllld be doing right now) I discovered an old journal that I had only written in 3 or so times. It was actually a group of 'letters' that I never intended to give to the person, but was writing to them.

In November 2010, I wrote

"What is keeping me back? I know what is keeping me back... But am I ready to lose my husband? Obviously my husband does not love me, so I don't know why I would continue to let his impression matter, yet I do. And more so, what's the risk? A divorce... but eternity with truth, in heaven... or continue in pain, and acknowledge nothing simply so I don't have to wake up alone."

I never thought when I moved to Frederick I would re-join the church. But the Lord did.
He knew exactly what was going to happen, he placed me exactly where I needed to be, and he held my hand along the path.

Being separated/getting divorced is not easy. I love(d) my ex very, much. But I know that love was not mutual, and too many nights were spent wondering where he was, who he was with. In response to my hurt, I became very bitter and angry. I can absolutely say without a doubt my ex brings out the worse in me... he knows how to hit those buttons, and will do so purposefully.

There's been nights of crying, days full of shouting. But truly - the lord has given me something I never thought possible - love enough for myself, that I can know I deserve more.. I deserve better. I have standards I would never settle for now, not in a million years. I know that if I should ever re-marry (ha!), it would be a marriage built upon the foundation of the gospel, with a worthy husband who can give me blessings, who will pray with me, who will be active in the church with our family, etc. I want a "BEC" (2.0)

6 days til 26.
I'm excited.
I'm following through on things I 'secretly' didn't think I would have the courage to do, ever.
(and in all actuality, I didn't... I needed the Lord's hand to guide me!)

07 September, 2011

Last night I met with the bishop.


In better, more positive uplifting news - I then got to go with the missionaries to sit in on a lesson they were teaching an investigator - I have never been on 'that side'. I've always been the investigator - and it was beautiful, and the spirit was so, so strong - and I loved every moment (That went by terribly too fast!).

Because of the bishop not being well - just because I'm Blair and I have my own trials and my own strengths - I felt very discouraged this morning. But I rememebered how one of the elders last night said before his mission he struggled with daily scripture reading,but he made his first goal just to read one verse a day. This morning that stood out -  so even though I was running behind, I kneeled in prayer, and then 'randomly' flipped to a page in the book of mormon...

And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and ahappy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are bblessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it.

I wouldn't have the complete knowledge or faith I have with out the book of mormon. It doesn't add or take away from the bible, but it completes the heart, strengthens the spirit, and testifies of the same beautiful promises that the bible does, that we can return to be with our father in heaven should we live so worthily. ♥

And if your homesick, give me your hand and i'll hold it

I'm not so sure what I did to deserve her.
And sometimes I think she wants to slap me - and sometimes I even offer up cheek (though I always draw back in fear!)
But I'm so, SO eternally grateful for this gal (& her hubby!) Seriously, Family. Defined.

(the fact that this is a horrendous picture of myself is besides the awkward-faced-point!)


Just days prior to meeting her, I was sobbing - wondering where in the universe she was. My soul knew her, my heart longed for her - and when we finally "met", my heart filled up, and within moments I knew she was the one I was so desperately longing for - my soul sister I kicked out of heaven 2 years in advanced! :)

03 September, 2011

Please just save me from this darkness


And I don't know where to look
                                                              My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness
Please just save me from this darkness 

01 September, 2011


I look hopeful.
I look passionate.
I seem encouraged.
I have perfected a fakeness.

♥ Loving on ME! ♥

I skip instead of walking... life's too short,
I may not have my body and health forever -
why plainly walk when
 I can skip, hop, jump, twist, dance, or boogie.
 Bonus Perk? Making others smile
 along the way.
I get excited by wearing solid colors -
 like a ninja, I love to wear all black -
 and then break it up with some
 (read: lots)
 of funky, outloud, crazy
 pieces of jewelry
 that don't match each other.
I secretly desire to go to clown school.
I dance in the rain,
sing in the car with my windows down,
jump on my bed with my kids,
have pillow fights with friends,
curse when talking about positive things,
get overly excited,
like to hold hands with friends,
and to hug complete strangers.
I adore johnny cash♥
ella fitzgerald, frank sinatra,
the archies, and hanson.
i'll take a smoothie over ice cream,
paper & pen over a laptop.
I see art in the every day,
and remember the forgotten.
I love that every day of the week,
ends with a Y.
I believe in possibilities,
the gift of healing,
the ambition of change.
I thrive being outdoors,
and being around others.
My heart longs for communication,
conversation between souls.
I connect easily,
 I fall too fast.
I honestly do hug trees,
but I also don't press any of my beliefs.
I am a cowgirl at heart,
but desperately afraid of horses.
But damn do I look killer in a cowboy hat and boots ♥
I set my mind to something: and I do it.
And I unrealistically expect the same from others.
I like action takers, not talk makers.
I know who I am,
I know what I want,
I know where I want to go,
and I'm doing it.
Step
By
Step.
I won't change for anyone,
I won't ever stop being me.
At the last breath,
at the final hour,
at the final moment,
I want my hands used up,
my body wrinkled up,
knowing I gave my all,
doing my best - striving for good.
(Don't forget at the party that will be
ultimate fun and uplifting,
that some mistakenly title
'funeral', to wear the crazy
ribbons and pieces of flare!)