29 July, 2011

I want nothing more than to be simple.

I like it simple.

I don't want riches, or glory, or fame. I don't want or need designer 'things', a fancysmancy car or house. I don't crave  much, have inklings for many, or have a soul that thirsts for 'more'. In fact, my soul relishes in less, in the mere gifts of life.

I desire only to live a life that is built on happiness, peace, and good. I want to leave this world with hands dirty, hair a mess, feet that have walked - knowing that I was a good friend, a diligent worker, a loving mother, a truly caring person.

I want to live like those before me, who weren't afraid to give it all up - knowing that they would only gain by giving.

I want to be fearless - knowing that my life is one of heart and momento that if I were to pass at any moment, I would feel as though I completed my souls' purpose.

And that's why I have to do what is so essential, that now - more than ever - I dedicate myself and my life to it's purpose, and not bestowing it to the desires and wishes of others.

I must evenhandedly live as one, with one purpose, on my own journey, in my own ways, creating my own path.

With all the quirks, silliness, laughter, hope, dreams, passions, and people I crave to be among the path with me.

26 July, 2011

“No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, 
[God] will never desert us. 
He never has, and He never will.”
George Q. Cannon

I was going to write a post... but the quote seemed to more deeply remind and show what my words would fail to explain, my heart not express. 

This too shall pass...

21 July, 2011

True religion is the life we lead, not the creed we profess. - Louis Nizer

I will never be the person to tell someone else that if they don't believe as I do; they are doomed.  Not that my faith teaches that - but more so, because I have very strong and personal convictions that feels that's not accurate. We're all here on this earth, with different paths... different trials, struggles, ease's, joys, tribulations, etc. Every individual deserves the right to be thoughtful and mindful to whether or not they chose to believe or accept one thing vs another - each thing.

Religion, personally speaking, to me is a very huge thing for one to outwardly accept. While I consider myself a true believing member of the LDS church; I also know that there are error's in mans ways...

What matters most to me, is that in my heart of hearts, I know that I have a loving father in heaven, who understands my struggles, who knows me individually, and who truly intervenes in my life. I aim to live a good, moral life, not because my religion tells me to - but because I want to please my father in heaven, and because I want to be a person who stands as grounded in good.

I think that every individual deserves the right to run after their dreams, and find their personal beliefs & morals; not be brainwashed by a society, a culture, family or friends, religion or threats. I have seen people of all different walks and paths of life find a greater purpose in meaning, living lives of beauty and true good. Atheists, Mormons, Holy Rolly Christians, Muslims, JDubs, UU's, etc.

I wish that each person that I knew could feel the love and peace that I have as a member of the LDS church; however I know that people find peace and G-d in their own ways - some choose to call G-d by another name, some choose to look in the mirror and be grateful for their own personal intervening power. And I'm okay with that... and I will always be okay with that. My  love will never end for someone because our path's aren't identical. It's a matter of being on a journey to finding what you believe; and knowing that journey should never cease. You may get comfortable, but don't ever stop being open.

20 July, 2011

Your life is your life gotta live like it's your life

Well he used to be somebody 

And now he's someone else
Took apart his old life
Left it on the shelf
Sick of being someone
He did not admire
Took up all his old things
Set em all on fire

He's gonna change
Gonna change his ways 
Gonna change
Gonna change his ways

And it feels like his new life can start
And it feels like heaven

Left his house at midnight
Resolute and young
In search of something greater
Than the person he'd become
Threw his bags on to the back 
Of his run down eighties car
Headed out to god knows where
The distance is too far

He's gonna change
Gonna change his ways 
Gonna change
Gonna change his ways

And it feels like his new life can start
And it feels like heaven
And it feels like his new life can start
And it feels like heaven

(Your life is your life gotta live like it's your life)

And it feels like his new life can start
And it feels like heaven
And it feels like his new life can start
And it feels like heaven 

18 July, 2011

“No. I didn’t stop to think. I just jumped. It was an instinct.. I needed to save her.”

This is a homeless guy who lives on a bridge in Dublin City. Last week his rabbit was grabbed from him and thrown into the river below.. the River Liffey. Which is one of the most horrible rivers in Ireland. The currents are really strong and it’s filthy.. Anyway, as soon as the rabbit hit the water this guy was already hurdling off the bridge and towards the freezing river to save her. After hitting the water and successfully locating her, he proceeding to pump air back into her, making her regain consciousness and basically come back to life. I was talking to him today along with another woman and she asked “Why in the name of God did you jump into the water? Did you not think about it?!” and straight away he replied with “No. I didn’t stop to think. I just jumped. It was an instinct.. I needed to save her.”

12 July, 2011

A loving father in heaven

I am grateful that I have the desires to grow and do good, even when I feel as though those things aren't actually happening. That when I'm low and emo, that I have desires for better things - that instead of sulking in my misery, I crave the better thus motivating myself to do what is right so that I can achieve those things.

It's so easy to get trapped in to the insecurities of this world: not pretty enough, not thin enough, don't make enough money, failed marriage, failed womanly roles, blah blah blah etc etc... but I know that I have a greater purpose, even if it doesn't always make sense. I have a hope and desire to continually strive to reach that greater purpose.

 When I am in a low place, I'm not too ashamed to ask in prayer that I can be moved beyond this spot. Instead of struggling, I turn to my scriptures and every time am inspired and encouraged; I am uplifted and loved. I get down on my knees and admit my struggles, I admit in great honesty that which I am feeling and wish I could feel; and though there's not always an immediate 'change', the spirit greatly scoops me up, and says it will be okay. And that small reassurance provides hope enough to make it through the day's trials and tribulations.

I'm not perfect; I won't ever be perfect. I have my own struggles, temptations, and weaknesses. But by choosing to do what is right, and returning to the path again and again when I've fallen off; I have been and am being blessed greatly. There is not a doubt in my mind that I am on the right path; nor is there a doubt that I don't have a father in heaven who loves and supports me.

Dad, I miss you. 
I can't believe it's been nearly 8 years since you left us. 
Happy Birthday.

09 July, 2011

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but the rising every time we fall.
-Nelson Mandela

08 July, 2011

I'm looking through you
Where did you go
I thought I knew you
What did I know
You don't look different
But you have changed
I'm looking through you
You're not the same

Your lips are moving
I cannot hear
You voice is soothing
But the words aren't clear
You don't sound different
I've learned the game
I'm looking through you
You're not the same

Why, tell me why
Did you not treat me right
Love has a nasty habit
Of disappearing overnight

You're thinking of me
The same old way
You were above me
But not today
The only difference
Is you're down there
I'm looking though you
And you're nowhere

Why, tell me why
Did you not treat me right
Love has a nasty habit
Of disappearing overnight

I'm looking through you
Where did you go
I thought I knew you
What did I know
You don't look different
But you have changed
I'm looking through you
You're not the same
Yeah, Oh, baby you've changed
Aah, I'm looking through you
Yeah, I'm looking through you
You've changed, you've changed
You've changed, you've changed

06 July, 2011

Punching the heck outta fear...

When I was 15 (nearly 11 years ago), I was trying to open nail polish and instead it busted open, the glass cutting my hand very deeply, and scaring it pretty bad. This morning as I was driving to work, I looked down and noticed the scar on my hand... It's big, people often ask what it is. I foolishly sometimes hate that people see it/ask about it/etc, because I feel as though they assume it's the same reasons for 'those scars' which it's not.

Anyhow, it made me think (because I have an awesomely random thought process) about how to this day I'm scared to try and open nail polish, how if I have to 'force' a little bit I am too scared and will have someone else open it for me... It made me then think about how what other things I am potentially doing with my life because of a bad experience I've had in the past... a failed attempt... What am I preventing myself from becoming, amounting to, overcoming?

I have to not be scared of something, fearful that I will fail, because I once failed... because the glass once broke... because I once was not perfect. Things that have held me back in fear... something as stupid as breaking nail polish open... for 11+ years.

We must be strong, accept our defeats, but learn that we can overcome and do more. We have the power to create anything we want, should we only chose to accept it and run for it.

"We are still masters of our fate. We are still captains of our souls. "
– Winston Churchill

04 July, 2011

Baptism Blar Style

"And as far as I am aware... the pool didn't burst into flames. And after 8 years (which a friend of mine so kindly pointed out to me turned over actually represents eternity, so this time my commitment to the church will be eternal) on Saturday I was baptized and confirmed a member of this beautiful church, into this beautiful gospel. I can't wait for July 2012 when I can prepare to goto temple, and in the mean time to do baptisms. I thank each of you in your own way for showing your kind compassion during my journey; most of you had no idea what journey I was on, or what challenges I have faced with family and health struggles in my life and yet you've still managed to show such loving kindness to me every Sunday. Thank you. "

(part of my testimony I bore during fast & testimony meeting, yesterday).

02 July, 2011

You know... in less than 12 hours (more like 11 hours and 17 minutes, eek!) I will be doing something that everyone who reads my blog is going to be WTF about.
I didn't tell a soul on this journey (except the soulfriend). I didn't write about it (at all), not even in mysterious manners until just recently. I didn't hint towards it on my facebook, I didn't cleverly leave quotes about it like I do on many 'dear' subjects.

I wanted, with every ounce of my being, to make sure that I knew what I was doing. That I was making an informed, PERSONAL decision, and one that was guided by nothing more than my belief in something. In fact, quite honestly in the process, I made a lot of mistakes. I struggled, I would fall to only be uplifted, I was given signs, I was given promptings, I ignored them and yet still somewhere within me that still small voice spoke.

I moved to Frederick on May 15th. Every Sunday since then I've actively gone to church - something missionary after missionary for years and years and so many (too many) Elder companions have attempted to get me to do. Once a year maybe I'd give in, and show up for sacrament... but that was it. And showing up for sacrament was more of a 'doing the missionaries a nice gesture', not something I was excited about.

But every week I can't wait for Sunday, it's this breath of fresh air that helps push me through the week(s) of hell I'm facing, and will have to face.

I've prayed, I've prayed a hell of a freaking lot. I've read the scriptures, I've spent time studying, pondering, meditating and  searching - I knew that whatever my choice would be, I didn't want to make the same mistake I did 'the first time'. 

I had this stupid approach to life that I thought I was going to make since separating from my husband... that I was going to go out and live like he had; and screw a bunch of people, and drink , and enjoy being single - so that I could at least have 'tasted' my experience. And that one day I could calm down and settle down, and do it knowing I got my 'fun bad side out'. But what this really was amounting to , was my misunderstanding that I had to experience bad before I could experience good... before I could be blessed.

I've made my share of mistakes. I am not perfect; and I will continue to make my share of mistakes, because I will never be perfect. I am merely me; whatever that entails. But I know within the gospel I have found great peace and humility, I Have come to a deeper compassion for the world around me... I have gained a more genuine love and patience. I find comfort and peace in circumstances, though I may not always understand them. The gospel has given me hope, especially in these hard times. I know that I have a father in heaven who truly loves me, and understands the trials that I am going through - and cares.

I could expand further on my 'testimony', I could expand further on the details that have lead me to this decision; but they are personal. They are so dear to me, and I'm so blessed to have experienced them. So with that, I've outed myself... and a "relief" has been lifted. Here's to that pool not turning into flames in the next 12 hours :).

  "The trouble with you is you want to see the end from the beginning...You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you." - Boyd K. Packer

I love this version! ♥

01 July, 2011


But out of the darkness, I came the farthest,
Among the hardest survival.
Learn from these streets, it can be bleak,
Accept no defeat, surrender retreat,

So we struggling, fighting to eat and
We wondering when we'll be free,
So we patiently wait, for that fateful day,
It's not far away, so for now we say

When I get older, I will be stronger,
They'll call me freedom, just like a Waving Flag,
And then it goes back, and then it goes back,
And then it goes back