30 June, 2011

A letter to the future me's

I wrote this letter two days before I turned 18, about feelings I had felt about the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints, that I had been baptized into on August 23,2003.

Every day, of every year, not a day has passed that I didn't somewhere, somehow bring up the topic of 'mormons' or religion. Whether in hate, despite, love, or any other plethora of emotions.
I share with you a nearly 8 year old letter... that ironically holds great beauty and truth still today.

Future, whether you be my great grandchild, or my 2nd cousins nieces daughters boyfriend, or whether you are my own children or husband. I pray that you know the truth. That you know of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, that you are an active member, an that you not only believe these things, but LIVE them. If you have read this whole journal, you know how disgusting my past has been, and this is only a small portion of it. However, Faith in Jesus, the Christ, changes everyone, it changed me. I still sin, I am human therefore I will always sin, however I am drawn closer to the Lord, and have the Holy Spirit with me now. On August 23,2003 I was baptized, and on the 24th confirmed a member of the church and received the gift of the Holy Spirit. If you ever run into any LDS members with the last names Allen or Jackson, thank them, with your everything because it is because of there ancestors that I am able to write to you of these things, an bare my testimony.
I know that this church is the only true church today, and it is is because of Joseph Smith that we have been able to have the book of Mormon, and other scriptures. I know that acceptance of Jesus Christ, and living & striving to be like Him, truly changes people. I know that we need to read the scriptures daily, and pray constantly to have the Holy Spirit with us. I Know that harder we work at these things, the more we will please our Heavenly Father. And I know in the end, there will be no end! We will be given the chance to live forever with our Heavenly Father, his Son, and the spirit, and most importantly our families. I know that we must go amongst our nations, of all them, and teach these things, so they too can be given the opportunity , that I myself have been given. That we should find our family genealogy, so those who were before us and didn't receive this truly wonderful gift, can.
I know that each day we are to be our own missionaries, not just for 2 years. We are to do this by reading the scriptures, and speaking of our faith to non members, and to draw those nonmembers in. We have been given the wonderful gift of Jesus Christ, and we must share it with all the world!!
I pray with all my heart that you know these things, and that you are able to have wonderful people in your life who help to strengthen you, like I have. I know that your fellow ward members, truly are your brothers & sisters, and you should do all you can to help them when they are in need.
I hope that you are able to go on missions, must more importantly that you live your life as a missionary, not just for 2 years. I pray that you have a loving family, and spend time with them and become close with them. I pray that you are able to make this decision on your own, even if it maybe not be at 8, but before you leave this earth. I pray that you take the time to help those who are less fortunate, and with a loving heart, not because you have to. I pray that you have the Holy Spirit among you at all times, but more importantly when you are the weakest. And When you feel tempted to sin, or fall short of Christ's glory, I pray that you repent, even if you don't do it, and that you ask for his guidance at all times.. Ask and you shall receive
Jesus Christ is our brother, as well as Lucifer, but I pray that you are not tempted by Satan's ways, or blinded by his unholiness.
Life will always work out, even when it seems it won't, as long as you keep your faith. Faith will guide you the rest of your earthly life, and I pray that you are able to accept that. I hope you have WONDERFUL Christ like friends, who are there for you always, and that you are able to share this truth with children of your own, and be G-dly parents unto them.
I pray that your faith will be doubtless, but if tested, always becoming stronger in the end. I Hope that you are talented, and have hobbies and interests. Whether it be with music, or sports, or collecting stamps! Whatever it may be, I pray that you know our Heavenly Father gives us all of our talents and interests, and we should be eternally grateful. That for as much time you spend doing the things you love, you spend double doing things of G-d, for our Heavenly Father give up his love & first born son, Jesus Christ, for us and we must sacrifice for Him as well. I hope that your heart be continuously desiring to know more & more about Christ, and our eternal Father. I pray so many things for you! I DO say these things are true, that Jesus Christ is the son of G-d, given to us so we can be forgiven of our sins, that Joseph Smith was once a prophet and a man of G-d, and that this church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints, is the only true church of Jesus. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, the son of G-d, Amen.

Blair Pettrey

26 June, 2011

I think life,
aka the (wo)Man/en
aka the universe
aka my self
laughs at me.

Okay, really I think it laughs at me a heck of a lot.

Because 'it' throws me signs.

The BAMB! in front of your face type of signs.

And silly me,
I of course am stubborn.

Hard Headed.
Ridiculous, perhaps?
Okay, really,
I admit it.
I'm ridiculous.
and I ignore it.

And then continue to beg for
these signs.
And make plea's and offer's and
cry tear's that could flood the desert Sahara.

All the while if I just opened,
my damn
I'd have what I wanted needed
right in front

I think life sometimes laughs at me;
Okay, I admit it.
I think life laughs at me a lot.
Life, Universe, The (wo)Man/en up stairs.
Ya know...
The signs I get,
the messages I'm given.
The obvious, blatant, 
BANG! in front of your face reminders.
They laugh, because it takes me a 'gajillion' of the reminders,

no matter how big or how small
til I finally go "Oooooooooooh, THAT's WHAT YOU MEAN!".

22 June, 2011

The Peace Pilgrim

What if we all were a little bit more like Mildred Norman? I’m not proclaiming everyone in the world set out to walk 25,000 miles (though I’m sure it would do many of us a lot of good… ). That being said however, what a beautiful example of following our hearts and proclaiming our beliefs in a positive, healthy way.

If you’re not sure who Mildred Norman is, she was a woman who set on a journey to walk for peace. “She vowed to "remain a wanderer until mankind has learned the way of peace, walking until given shelter and fasting until given food." In the course of her 28 year pilgrimage she touched the hearts, minds, and lives of thousands of individuals all across North America. Her message was both simple and profound. It continues to inspire people all over the world.”

I think about all that I want to accomplish; the simple, the big – and how much I simply want to teach others that peace is possible; love is here for us to accept; we can live a life of true health and true awareness.

I am committed to giving myself to a life of peace: in my work, in my associations, in my play. A life of abundance gained by simplicity, a heart full by giving of myself.
“One little person, giving all of her time to peace, makes news. Many people, giving some of their time, can make history.”

- Mildred Lisette Norman

19 June, 2011

18 June, 2011

Guys, I'm (beyond) obviously not perfect. 
In fact, I seem to be a fancy mirage of mistake after mistake.
Throw in a couple life lessons learned through the mistakes,
but then perhaps repeating mistakes because of stupid life habits we seem to make so easily;
and you seem to have the imperfect Blair me.

But truly, this is who i am.
Going through struggles.
Feeling like I'm alone.
(but knowing I'm actually not).
I'm emo. I'm uppity.
I go back and forth.
I can't make conclusions,
I'm massively indecisive.
I don't know why people are fascinated by me.
Because fuck it, I don't even know who me is right now.
But a handful of people in this world,
To  Get  It.
To Get Me.
And I'm Grateful
Because it reminds me, I am truly fucking incredible.
Somewhere within me
lies the person that sometimes
I so rarely allow myself to 
open up to others
and allow them to see.

And though I may write of my sorrow,
or my hardships,
or whatever bullshit thing I figure out to complain about,
I know that I have a heart full of love,
that's overwhemlingly wanting to be shared.
That one day will be accepted.
I know that I want to do great things,
not to make a name for myself,
but for the sanctity that others deserve great things.
I deserve great things too.
Everyone deserves to be loved,
to be cared about,
to have a friend to run to,
a lover to love abundantly,
a journey to aim for,
a destiny to believe in.
This just happens to mine,
and as a friend once told me,
life's not just about the sunshine,
it's about the rain.
It's about finding the meaning in the good,
and the bad,
The Easy
and the

And for some reason, this song
really really makes me want to dance
and give hugs :

15 June, 2011

Living Life List (Of hopefully many, many more to come...)

1. Fall in love with my soulmate. True, deep, passionate love that encompasses my soul and everbeing; and their soul too. ♥

2. Missions' trip to somewhere in Africa.

3. Travel to Ireland.

4. Take my kids to Disney World (again) and teach them the importance of believing in the magic in our hearts.

5. Forgive - myself.

6. Forgive - my father.

7. Move on.

8. Become a 'hugger'.

9. Plant a tree in every city I've lived, as a way to show my growth and leave my peace.

10. Run a half marathon.

11. Run a marathon.

12.  Acheive my ideal weight.

13. Love & Accept my outter appearence.

14. Perform (music) in public.

15. Dance in the rain.

16. Write a letter of gratitude to all those who have taught, helped, or impacted my life.

17. Send flowers to someone unexpectidly; for no reason at all.

18. Give up pop; forever.

19. Host a dance party! :)

20. MBA

21. Have a soul jubilee.

22. Publish 'that' book.

23. Hike the top of the Blue Ridge's, jig.

24. Sponser someone/something - that I'm a believer in/for/etc.

25. Take a picture of myself with each of those I treasure most; create a friendship/love wall.

26. Create my inspirational room.

27.  Dance with someone.

28. Fall asleep on grassy plains

29. Start a wellness movement in my community. (Mental/Physical/Spiritual)

30. Break down all my walls.

31. Allow those who desire to be so; in.

32. Get over my fear of smiling.

33. Love. Love. Love. Let the love that's in my heart; overflow into the world I am apart of.

34. Get my family photos done.

35. Wear White.

36. Hug A Monkey

37. See Andrea Gibson Perform.

38. Pass the oh so needed hug I received; on.

39. Go Raw for a month.

40. Speak to 1,000 people.

41. Be Heard by at least 1.

42. Go Stargazing with my best friend.

43. Be in two places at once.

44. Discover my true life's passion.

45. Follow it every step of the way.

46. Eat s'mores around a campfire with a group of people I cherish.

47. Take a cooking class.

48. Learn how to take a compliment well.

49. Save someone's life

50. Try something I'm afraid to do.

51. Fall asleep in someone's arms

52. Be Passionately Kissed in the Rain

53. Be Debt Free.

54. Own a Piano.

55. Send a message in a bottle.

56. Get a tattoo with a friend.

57. Walk through Central Park in NYC, holding hands with someone I love.

58. Give someone a 1,000 orgami crains that I folded myself.

59. Watch 10 Classic films from the 1900's.

60. Own my own business (that is successful).

61. Be personally successful.

62. Keep a gratitude journal for 30 days.

63. Overcome dis-ease.

64. Share my story.

65. Grow a Flower Garden

66. Sew a t-shirt quilt.

67. Donate Blood (?)

68. Volunteer 1000 Hours.

69. Volunteer 5,000 Hours.

70. Participate/Have a free hug campagin.

71. Do my peace photo shoot.

72. Build a tree fort with all the accessories.

73. Have a watergun fight.

74. Swim in the ocean.

75. Eat a meal good enough to be my last.

76. Memorize a poem and pass it on.

77. Provide the chance that I missed: for someone else.

78. Go on a roadtrip with no predetermined destination.

79. Do Karaoke.

80. Make meditation a habit.

81. Yoga. City Square.

82. Eat Fried Green Tomatoes.

83. Get my palms ready.

84. Jump into a pool fully clothed.

85. Get a massage.

86. Throw someone a surprise party.

87. Say the phrase "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

88.  Learn to play pool.

89. Read all of Eve Bunting and Neil Gailman's books.

90. Photography an amazing self-portrait.

91.  Join a kickball league.

92. Become a better listener.

93. Ride in a hot air balloon.

94. Graffiti Art: leave my mark.

95. Confess my sins.

96. Take an African Safarri.

97.  Ask a stranger for a date.

98. Have a fun bet.

 99. Face my biggest fear.

100. Know my true self.

101. Change The World.

14 June, 2011

Ya'll, I know this world is far from perfect.
I am not the type to mistake a streetlight for the moon.
I know our wounds are deep as the Atlantic.
But every ocean has a shoreline
and every shoreline has a tide
that is constantly returning
to wake the songbirds in our hands,
to wake the music in our bones,
to place one fearless kiss on the mouth of that brave river
that has to run through the center of our hearts
to find its way home.

13 June, 2011

The Strong Facade

Never been so scared... Never been so alone.
Never wanted to avoid reality as much as I do right now.
Never have I wanted to run so far away, so fast;
and never look back.

The thoughts haunting me, the fears overwhelming me.
But 'I am Blair', so the facade shows well.
A glass covering of happiness, and strength.

Scared of possibilities. Scared of statistics. Scared of actualities. Scared of symptoms. 
Angry at the reality. Angry at my body. Angry at myself.
Broken self trust. Broken belief systems. Broken hopes.

I am a walking hypocrite;
for what I claimed was true,
presented before me,
so evidently not true.
My body failed me. 

Anxiety thinking of the what if's.
Fearful of the unknowns.
Selfishly wishing this wasn't me.
That this battle wasn't mine.
Especially not alone.

Courage escapes me.
Timidness defines me.
Heart broken.
Soul crushed.

Which will kill me first?
A battle of my body,
or the battle of my lonely heart.

12 June, 2011

Being Lost only has meaning when contrasted with knowing where you are.

Lost and Found
by David Hollies

The first few times
Being lost was frightening
Stark, pregnant
With the drama of change
Then, I didn't know
That everywhere is nowhere
Like the feeling when a ocean wave
Boils you in the sand
But as time goes by
Each occurrence of lostness is quieter
Falling from notice
Like the sound of trains
When you live near the tracks
Until one day
When a friend asks
"How often do you get lost?"
And I strain to recall a single instance
It was then that I realized
Being lost only has meaning
When contrasted with
Knowing where you are
A presumption that slipped out of my life
As quietly as smoke up a chimney
For now I live in a less anchored place
Where being lost is irrelevant
For now, only when there is a need
Do I discover where I am
No alarm, no fear
Just an unconscious check-in
Like glancing in the rear-view mirror.

Mumford and Sons

Thursday was a hyped up day for many, many months. One I was deeply looking forward to, and more so needing for the uplifting of my soul. Of course, everything under the sun then had to go wrong. 2 days prior to the concert a friend that was supposed to be coming with tells me they don't want to go.... okay.....  Then, my cell phone is my alarm clock; and apparently in the midst of the night sometime I unplugged my phone, so it died, so my alarm didn't go off. Overslept? Check. I wake up in -just- the amount of time to get ready and rush out the door to a doctors appointment that's 75 minutes away from my house. Stop and go traffic insanity on route 29, car accident because I Freaking Sneezed going 7-10mph? Check! Hitting a freaking porche? Check! I get to the doctor's appointment do some basic testings, hear some awful f'ing news incredibly too fast because of the incredibly too drastic realities. Oh well, boo hoo, a bad appointment - I will suffice (at least I will mope starting tomorrow, nothing will destroy my day!) Then I get the pharmacy, and leave and realize after leaving 15 minutes away that they only give me 6 of 60 pills. Fug. Too late now, I think to myself I will have to pick up later. I wasn't supposed to be going into work that day, but the gal's position I took over... in a matter of words... left me in a huge mess to pick up and clean, and taking off just wasn't an option. I thought I would go in for a few hours to get shit done. But I realize that I forgot my tickets at home (75 minutes away), so I have to drive all the way home to get said tickets to drive back to work (only 50 minutes thankfully). I get to work at determined to leave by 4. 6:30 roll's around, and Lindsey is stuck in insane traffic because the Baltimore harbor tunnel was closed down to one way traffic.  We FINALLY get to the damn concert by 7ish; grab a drink sit down relax for split moment when it not just rains, it freaking POURS and painful stabbing rain... no wait, that's HAIL. Yeah, talk about sucktastic!

But even among it all, I had such an amazing incredible time and am so grateful! It was the night (eventually) that I needed and my soul craved so badly; especially after the heartbreaking news in the morning. Lawn seats? For the freaking win! Scoring free drinks from hot guys? Win. Dancing and talking with soooo many people? Awesomely for the freaking win! Eating gross fried foods at 2am? For the win. Having to wake up at 6AM after getting only 3 hours of sleep? Even freaking better!

Oh Linds, How I love thee. The last time we went to a show together was Atari's/Warped tour, 9 years ago!!! Here's to many, many more . :)

After the freaking hailstorm of the century.
 2 AM food run to Denny's.

 Creepy Girl with a hotdog...
Lovely Bff.

(p.s. video was going to be included, but I apparently said something entirely (read: woahhhh) inappropriate in every single one, so....)
(p.p.s. Lindsey, I'm sorry for spraining your knee....)

06 June, 2011

I am going to try my hardest to convey my point; but I warn all upfront that I am going to struggle with conveying my point...

That being said:

You know that group of kids in high school - whoever they may be. The kind-of nerdy, but 'wished they were cool' but never actually 'fit' into the 'cool kid group'. That then grow up, and still are the 'kind of nerdy' but now have degrees or life experiences under their belt that though they would never actually 'brag' about persay; they allow it to make themselves think more highly of themselves than others. But truly they are the same people they once were (aren't we all?) - "Nerdy Posers".

And yet somehow,  we found ourselves on the outside of this group - or any group: the jocks, the punks, the hippies, the preps (And all the other million labels we can impose on individuals)... and we wish terribly that we could just be accepted INTO the group. But really, we don't want to be accepted into the group; we just want acceptance.

I am finding myself in that place.. the place where truly I do not care or desire these people. In fact there's plenty I dislike about the individuals in the group; and yet I, Blair, am finding myself wanting to do things to please the 'cool kid group' so that I can be 'accepted'.

This is really unlike myself. I've always been the one who got along with everyone, but never fit into any one circle nor did I have the desire to. Though I had short spikey blue hair and wore spikes and plaid, I was heavily involved with student government, tried out for cheer-leading, played in the orchestra, hung out with the punkrockers on Friday nights, went to church ministries on Saturday nights, and on Sunday's you would find me volunteering at a nursing home or with hospice. It's just always been my character to be myself and though I may have not always known who I was: I knew that I was worth loving.

So why in the world now am I suddenly wanting so badly to be accepted? Perhaps it's the lack of social navigation I have going on currently, the lack of friendships I have developed in years past when normally I would have a dozen of close friends, and a million more strong acquittance's at my 'disposal'. Why do I desire so badly to be liked by people that I feel are cold, bitter and entirely fake? Of course my perception could be entirely wrong, but at the same time it's my perception and if that's how I see one, then that's reality for me.

On this note, I would like to thank those individuals in my life who accepted me into their circles, even if I wasn't the perfect member. I have a rocking soulfriend and really fetching-ly awesome co-workers who have been my rock and support the past few weeks, often without even knowing it.

05 June, 2011

Fell in love with this song over 5 years ago, and somehow it means even more to my heart today than the meaning it once had..

"You know how I did it? This is how I did it, Anton: 
I never saved anything for the swim back..."

Today, as I went for my 'Sunday long run' (which actually seems to be progressively getting shorter...) I was scared of trailing from that which I know very much, because on Friday's run I ended up very very lost in 'my town' and ended up expelling way too much energy in the beginning not realizing I was going to be running so far, and at the end, was crying in miserable knee pain.

As I went on this road called Shookstown Rd, that seems needlessly un-ending; and even more so, it's an unending uphill battle towards a 'mountain'. I guess I didn't realize this when running it, because I was full of adrenaline, but when I finally turned around because I knew that I didn't want to be running 5 miles uphill, to have to only turn around and run 5 more (even if downhill)... well, when I turned around I realized "oh wow, I'm on a 'mountain', oh wow there's a valley in Frederick..." etc etc - it for a split moment reminded me of Utah, and looking down on the valley from the top of Capitol Hill where I used to live; or from the UofU's campus, or from the many places where you could hike/walk/drive/etc to see atop mountains to see the valley's below. I got homesick for Utah for a split second; but I then had this 'a HA!' moment - which I seem to have all too often, and yet not often enough - where I decided I was going to swim, without saving anything for the swim back.

I was going to swim, into my 'new life', into the Valley of Frederick, Md. I was going to exert all my energies into becoming the person I crave so much to be, that I don't have any energy left to look back on who I once was and regret. That I have no energy left to wish for my broken heart to be healed by past love. I was going to exert all my energies into my life yet to be... 

And here, I stand swimming. The race just begun; with no ending in sight.