30 May, 2011

A Gift

You tell me I'm a walking contradiction,
that my body defers me from the thoughts of my mind.
My mouth is just a bowl full of lies.
But here, in this moment, if I promised the truth
would you really stop to hear the words of my youth?

Cause realities aren't easily apprehended
And I promise you this is one of them
That in the very moment I saw you, the earth stood.
Everything left me, no longer knowing the meaning of heartache.
Life's detriments buried deep in the wake.

Are you listening my friend?
Do you hear the words that soar from my lips?
Like the dove that once knew how to fly
gracefully, like a child staring up into the sky
That then got shot down by the man with a gun
and never thought she'd reach above.

You came into my world, unknowingly a tornado.
Destroying all that was built upon these false halos.
Leaving nothing but an empty dark tunnel,
but with promises I’d never have to crawl through it alone.
Suddenly okaying all the windblown.

How can something so extraordinary be so wrong
Where was I when you walked along.
Take my awkward words and silence them
Trust my heart that it's been widened.
Open for the moment that you would've allowed me to hide in.

Unbeknownst that I could never have this,
oh the sorrows that I crave to be measureless
The dove gaining her pride and strength again
learning to soar through the sky, no longer a freshman
not afraid of the man or his frightful deathblow
but trusting in hope for a strengthened tomorrow.

This is where I say my afflicting goodbyes
and thank you for all the beautiful moonrise
A beauty that I feared would never be known
Anxiously awaiting my deaths deep silenced tone
yet now with a heart opened, allowing to be shown.

A suffering filled with great anguish,
wishing to tell you, you deserve only to be cherished,
and repay you for all the madness reverted
with words that are easier typed then sown.
A voice once warned ridden, grown.

An inclination known for the best
that I must give to you, my heart's lovely guest.
Not easily awakened, with hopes of conceiving.
The ending to the novelette so well acquainted.
A gift of avoidance; the scandal blighted.

29 May, 2011

“The universe is wider than our views of it." - Thoreau

Tonight something I've pleaded to feel for the past several years; overcame me. There was great beauty in knowing that I wasn't forgotten. In making right choices and allowing myself to feel the absolute however; when choosing to go down the wrong path - the awareness is much, MUCH stronger and more real than when your whole path is destructive.

Because of poor decisions that I consciously chose to make - a heavy, near unbearable, burden of guilt and heartache overcame me. Something so strong, so deep rooted of the adversary, my mind began to soar... tears fell like puddles from my eyes - something I haven't been able to do, in a long while. I was broken, temporarily, to be reminded of the beauty in what I have gained recently.

Amidst that temporary pain and sorrow that was so great - my mind immediately began to race... trying to find these coping mechanisms that I had claimed to have learned so that I would not revert to poor behaviors from my past. But I couldn't. I searched high and low through the empty hallways of my brain. All I could think about was the said destructive behaviors... I craved so baldy to give in. To feel the pain on the outside to reflect the inner turmoil I was feeling inside.

But then I remembered a beautiful, uplifting promise that I have been given. And that though there was heartache because of decisions I chose to make, something greater had been given and revealed to me amidst all this sorrow. And with tears streaming down my face, on my floor - in my apartment alone... no friend or family to help me; merely me against the world -

I accepted the promise.

I wish I could hug each of these kids - and say I was once there... and though life is never going to be easy; it does get easier. We find purpose and meaning - and I can promise you that through the struggles; there is a reason to stay strong and hang on.

I knew what I was meant to do since I was 15 - and I know what I 'm meant to do still today... but I've avoided it, because I wanted so desperately (and yet ignorant and foolishly so) hoped that kids today didn't feel the pain that I once dealt with as a teenager.

As pathetic or as justified the reasoning behind it; the pain is true and detrimental for those facing it.

I don't often write specific facts about myself/my life (especially when referring to my past) because they are so ridiculous and drama filled that I avoid it. But I think it's absolutely essential that for whoever may one day read my blog; that they know - I once too suffered. Hell, I suffer today. Life never gets easy, life is never perfect. But we find reasons to hang on - friends, family, music, sports, running, being active, my children, to share my compassion with others, etc etc etc - there's a million reasons that I could list on and on that suffice the pain that sometimes overwhelmingly consumes my soul. There are periods of joy, and there are periods of great sorrow and in between I assure you theres a lot of orange and gray - but the orange and grays have purpose and meaning that I never thought they would.

Depression sucks. Being a teenager aint all that it's cracked up to be - (though I wish I would have lived it up at the time, but hindsight is 20/20).

When I was in 8th grade I decided that I hated being the fat kid; and as I've mentioned I took control of my body and began exercising and eating healthier - unfortunately I went overboard and began an unhealthy obsession and eventually struggled with for several years an eating disorder. When I was a freshman in high school - at a brand new school where no one knew me or my past - I thrived my first semester. But for whatever reason, something clicked by the second semester and all of my pain and anguish consumed me, and then began my true awareness of my depression. I'm sure I had it prior - but at this point , the symptoms  were so damn obvious; the dis-ease was there.

Having no coping mechanisms

28 May, 2011

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

It’s so easy when things aren’t in your face, to ignore realities and remember only the good. It’s that whole part of me that heroize’s people and situations, when really while I don’t need to demonize people or situations – there is good and bad to individuals, and I need to remember that. More than that, there is good and bad that can be brought out in people when they are placed amongst specific people, in specific circumstances, etc.

I was speaking with a friend the other day, and something they said just lit up my whole heart – because it’s something I ‘crave’ to believe, to feel – and yet I (foolishly) felt jealous… why did this person get to feel such a thing for the world. We were discussing people that we found attractive and I made some off comment about a type of person that normally one may not find ‘attractive’; and my friend brought up how they actually thought all people had some type of beauty in them.

It’s not that my friend didn’t deserve to think this – of course this is an attribute I wish all COULD have. But I was jealous that in the deep of their everbeing; they truly meant it. And while I aim to look for that beauty in all, I sometimes (often) fall short. I struggle with emotions blinding me – experience blinding me – physical and/or mental attributes blinding me.

Where the beginning of my entry and the middle correlate – is that amongst the good and bad in people; the beautiful and the ugly, the pride and humble – my friend finds beauty. And that in and of it’s self; is quite beautiful.  

19 May, 2011

You decide to see.... equals


Your enemies = your teachers.
Your failure = your wisdom.
Your mistakes = your lucky discoveries.
Your conflicts = your growth opportunities.
Your undesired endings = your desirable beginnings.
Your grapes of wrath = your raisons d’etre.
Your painful feelings = your proud proof that you are dealing with your feelings—head on!

17 May, 2011

"Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow." - Dan Rather

Let me tell you; I could write the bible of fear right now.
Yet, I look forward to one day being able to write the book on how I survived.

Though perhaps defaming (though I don’t mean for it to be) one of my favorite things about myself – is that whilst I may question my strength; my strength always out proves my thoughts. The shield I wear is always stronger than I think it to be.
I somehow bear the pain, the disappointment, the sorrows, etc: because somewhere within me I know that the joy, love, and truth always prevail in the end.

Remember when our songs were just like prayer

Like gospel hymns that you called in the air

Come down, come down sweet reverence

Unto my simple house and ring... and ring



Ring like silver, ring like gold

Ring out those ghosts on the Ohio

Ring like clear day wedding bells

Were we the belly of the beast, or the sword that fell?

We'll never tell



Come to me, clear and cold

On some sea

Watch the world spinning waves

Like that machine



Now I've been crazy, couldn't you tell?

I threw stones at the stars, but the whole sky fell

Now I'm covered up in straw, belly up on the table

Well I drank and sang, and I passed in the stable



That tall grass grows high and brown

Well I dragged you straight in the muddy ground

And you sent me back to where I roam

Well I cursed and I cried, but now I know

Now I know



And I ran back to that hollow again

The moon was just a sliver back then

And I ached for my heart like some tin man

When it came, oh it beat and it boiled and it rang

Oh, it's ringing



Ring like crazy, ring like hell

Turn me back into that wild haired gale

Ring like silver, ring like gold

Turn these diamonds straight back into coal

Turn these diamonds straight back into coal

13 May, 2011

Bliss: Perfect happiness; great joy.

When I was in Utah, I looked for places to move online. I found a reasonably placed neighborhood, that appeared 'cute' in the photos we saw. I had mentioned the area to my mother, and immediately she said "OH GOSH I HOPE IT's NOT PIONEER CITY ALL MY STUDENTS WOULD ALWAYS TALK ABOUT THE GANGS AND WHATNOT"... Great, mom.


got here; and it was good ol' Pioneer City. Where theres cops strolling the streets every 5minutes at least, usually parked waiting for drama to go down. There's hoodlums who roam the street, too many kids with parents who don't watch them (hello neighbor mom Blair), etc. And even still - I found bliss. I found bliss!


I've gotten close to MANY of my neighbors; most of whom I probably thought I would never have interacted with. They come from many different backgrounds - multitudes of stories, multitudes of hardships, multitudes of good and bad, etc.


I've moved from Maryland to Utah, from city to city whilst in Utah, and then from Utah to Maryland. And for the first time I'm so torn over moving. I'm excited to move to a new place, to meet new people, to be a-fresh, to start a-new (not that I really have anything to start a-new with other than the obvious).  To be in a place I've never known, (not that I knew Severn, but I grew up in this county). I'm still near my family and close enough to my past 'friends'; and yet I'm going to an entirely new kicking ground !


What I'm getting at however, is how amazingly heartbroken I am to leave my neighbors. They weren't just my neighbors, they became my friends. People I would run outside when I saw them, so that I could talk to them. I would 'check my mail' just hoping they would stop me and start chatting. Neighbors I would bake for every holiday, just to give them something to smile and laugh at. Neighbors who would jokingly call me 'Snowflake' and teach (Destroy!) me things I never thought I would learn (or need to know ha!). 


     And then there's the beautiful lady across the way, who quickly became one of my bestfriends whether she knew it or not. The type of gal who I never thought as an "atheist, treehugging, hippie, sun-yoga worshiping, liberal, loud and obnoxious" would befriend. She being the 'conservative, Jesus loving Christian, calm shy and reserved woman of virtue!". One who I grew close and comfortable with, like a friend I've craved for so long. We laughed at our insecurities, we shared our sorrows. And never once did I feel her judging me. She always had something positive to say to me, about me - about my downfalls or trials. A family who entrusted me - and believed in me; and wanted nothing but the absolute best for me! I'll terribly miss seeing her every day, and her beautiful family, the absolute mostest. 


Here's to moving on with my life, my future. Allowing good to overflow me and surround myself with new opportunity for success and love. But not without a softened heart and deep gratitude for those I met whilst living in  good ol' Pioneer City!


"The connections we make in the course of a life--maybe that's what heaven is."
— Fred Rogers

Reject...

I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection.
Billy Joel

11 May, 2011

Remember when our songs were just like prayer
Like gospel hymns that you called in the air
Come down, come down sweet reverence
Unto my simple house and ring... and ring

Ring like silver, ring like gold
Ring out those ghosts on the Ohio
Ring like clear day wedding bells
Were we the belly of the beast, or the sword that fell?
We'll never tell

Come to me, clear and cold
On some sea
Watch the world spinning waves
Like that machine

Now I've been crazy, couldn't you tell?
I threw stones at the stars, but the whole sky fell
Now I'm covered up in straw, belly up on the table
Well I drank and sang, and I passed in the stable

That tall grass grows high and brown
Well I dragged you straight in the muddy ground
And you sent me back to where I roam
Well I cursed and I cried, but now I know
Now I know

And I ran back to that hollow again
The moon was just a sliver back then
And I ached for my heart like some tin man
When it came, oh it beat and it boiled and it rang
Oh, it's ringing

Ring like crazy, ring like hell
Turn me back into that wild haired gale
Ring like silver, ring like gold
Turn these diamonds straight back into coal
Turn these diamonds straight back into coal

Remember when our songs were just like prayer
Like gospel hymns that you called in the air
Come down, come down sweet reverence
Unto my simple house and ring... and ring

Ring like silver, ring like gold
Ring out those ghosts on the Ohio
Ring like clear day wedding bells
Were we the belly of the beast, or the sword that fell?
We'll never tell

Come to me, clear and cold
On some sea
Watch the world spinning waves
Like that machine

Now I've been crazy, couldn't you tell?
I threw stones at the stars, but the whole sky fell
Now I'm covered up in straw, belly up on the table
Well I drank and sang, and I passed in the stable

That tall grass grows high and brown
Well I dragged you straight in the muddy ground
And you sent me back to where I roam
Well I cursed and I cried, but now I know
Now I know

And I ran back to that hollow again
The moon was just a sliver back then
And I ached for my heart like some tin man
When it came, oh it beat and it boiled and it rang
Oh, it's ringing

Ring like crazy, ring like hell
Turn me back into that wild haired gale
Ring like silver, ring like gold
Turn these diamonds straight back into coal
Turn these diamonds straight back into coal

09 May, 2011

Hell yes I'm a firework (And so are you!)

(Driving down the road, feelings of happiness, content, and trust overflowing my heart.)

I have been blessed with a great heart, great goals for myself, great passions and desires, great hopes for my future, great belief in my strength for today. Great friendships, great family, great clients, great neighbors (though I'm about to move..., I trust I'll have great neighbors again!).

When we put our entire truth and faith into the universe - wonderful things happen, the best being that the universe will put it's trust in you - and  bless you tremendously with opportunity, overflowing love to surround and uplift you, blessings that surpass any expectations you could have ever set or hoped for.

I am so humbly gracious for the amazing power of communication - it's amazing what an 'a ha!' moment can do for my esteem, my confidence, my assurance - and more than that, an overwhelmingly beautiful awakening to the world that was waiting for me -
I was just too shy to accept.


08 May, 2011

"Et tu, Brute?"

I was foolish to ever think that you wouldn't stab me in the back as well.

05 May, 2011

On being a bad you.


I've really been hurting a friend, whose done nothing but try to be supportive and encouraging of me. I've hurt them for my selfish desire. What an awful thing to do to someone - and yet they still stand beside me, and I don't understand. I sit and think of what I've ACTUALLY done, I ponder what's ACTUALLY occurring - I remove the rose colored glasses and wake the hell up, and realize.... And the guilt pours over me. The beauty of this friend is that they don't blame me, though they easily could. 

The reality is, I don't like the person I am right now. I always say how I have no idea who I am - well I do know that I don't like who I am being, and that needs change, NOW. I have to remove the 'mindful subluxations', the things that are destroying me mentally as well as physically - so that I can achieve and become the optimum person I am intended to be.

I'm so fucking ready, I'm READY. It's not talk, it's not glistening, it's not ignoring the reality of my circumstances or beautifying something ugly - I'm talking real, powerful, CHANGE for me. For my life. For the sake of myself. For the sake of my family. For the sake of my friends. For the sake of the world I live in. Because I know that I am here for a purpose, and at 25 I say hell yes I'm ready to serve that purpose.

I am on fire with power and truth, and am ready to share that with the world.

04 May, 2011

03 May, 2011

02 May, 2011

It's hard living in a world that doesn't care, and is not willing to listen or accept a new message. That we as a society are so brainwashed to think a specific way, that we won't even open our ears to hear a thought (whether we agree with the new thought or not!). American medicine has done such a great job on convincing the people here that sickcare is the way. Reading an article titled "8 drugs not even your doctor would take" - and yet these drugs are being prescribed by the million's - well I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

It truly, brings tears to my eyes and breaks my heart to know that people are okay with just giving in - they are okay with magical pills, magical symptom maskers,magical surgeries, magical anything - as long as it means they don't have to give any effort towards it. And yet when the alternative could save their life, could add years to their life, can give them energy, remove pain, and heck : save them a gallon of money....All you have to do is believe in your own body; love & take care of your own body: well that means work, and suddenly people aren't interested!

Why is it that we're okay with sitting on our fat asses all day, over consuming everything in all aspects? Too much food, too much thought, too much stress, too much driving, too much anger, too much everything: the only thing people don't seem to have enough of is time.

I am not perfect, I'm far from perfect. I eat things I shouldn't, theres times where I'm not as active as I need to be, etc. But every day I try to motivate myself to try a little harder, to be a litter better (ha, thanks gHink!). But truthfully, that's what I do - and the results have been 'magical'. I have seen slowly through changing my diet, my movement, and seeing a chiropractor that my energy is through the roof, I'm more motivated, I'm 100x happier & more outgoing; and I know that these things will only increase as I do better and better.

Society see's me sharing an alternative as trying to sell something. Well, folks what about the fact that you have been 'sold' by the pharmacy & medicinal doctors from the moment you were born... and you bought it.
Knowing that you're not experiecing life & health that you could be, why continue to buy into that predicant.
All I'm trying to convince you of, is that your body's capable of more.

"It is our duty as men and women to proceed as though the limits to our abilities do not exist."- Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

I read this great notion about growth vs feeling good...  And how sometimes we have to choose between the two; do we want to grow, or do we want to feel good? Because often times growing doesn't feel good, and feeling good doesn't lead to growth.

It  reminded me and gave me courage to trust in myself, to know that I'm ready to grow.

Not just feel good.

Because truthfully (and obviously) I don't feel good. I feel miserable standing in a place I don't belong, merely because it's what I know. 

And sometimes (or moreso, oftentimes for myself) I confuse comfort and experience with feeling good.

I truly am scared, I don't think I've ever been so fearful of something in my entire life. What if I fail? What if this is the biggest regret of my life? What if I stumble and can't find my way back up?

And yet, that little ounce of hope that was once planted deep within my soul shouts, though the sound is so soft, and I hear it. I trust it. I grasp it. And I tell it, "I'm ready."