13 November, 2009


Stream of Life
The same stream of life that runs through my veins night and day
runs through the world and dances in rhythmic measures.
It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth
in numberless blades of grass
and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers.
It is the same life that is rocked in the ocean-cradle of birth
and of death, in ebb and in flow.
I feel my limbs are made glorious by the touch of this world of life.
And my pride is from the life-throb of ages dancing in my blood this moment.

One of the hardest things I've ever learned, and yet one of {if not the} great things I've ever learned - is that everyone has their own personal reason to be here - we each have our own destiny, our own journey.It might take a lifetime to discover our journey - our reason and purpose - but there is one. It may be something profound or it might be something delicately simple - but there is meaning & purpose to each individual being.

The reason this discovery was so hard, because for me I spent my life trying to find my meaning within the walls of religion. Many people find their meaning within the definition of religion - but for me, mine was outside.
I've shared my basic religious outline - I was baptised as an infant in the Episcopal church - spent every Sunday their until 13 when I started to attend a "holy roller" church. (Where I attended for 4 years - and every Sunday I was asked if I was a visitor, Brittny can vouch for me. The only reason they ever figured out that I was not a 'visitor' was because Brittny started getting really active there after my departure and they heard that I converted to mormonism). So yes, then at 17 I converted to mormonism & moved to "Zion". On my own, at 17, I packed my tiny honda civic and drove 2200 miles across the country. I was active less than 6 months. I was at the library in December of that year, just after my dad had barely passed and I found a flier for "The Rock Church" (A pretty hip church still). For the next 5 years I went to a mixture of Holy Roller churches - trying desperately to fill this empty hole that all of them promised me their God would give me.

I don't know what 'hit' me. I don't know what one day changed me from desperately 'searching' for "God" to searching for ME - but it was the greatest thing that ever happened. (And no, I am not comparing myself to your "God"). What I am saying is - that all the time over the years that I have spent devoting myself to Churches, Religion "NonReligion" (as The Rock and many other holy roller churches like to embrace it as) - basically desperately trying to find a 'God' who could give me guidance and answers - and neglecting my own reality. My own truth. My own reality.

Now - before I continue, I am not here to convert ye to the way of atheism - rather, I do not even consider myself 'atheist'. More so, I do not judge ye for whatever religious beliefs ye may have. My bestest is mormon. My inlaws are mormon. My mom is Methodist. My (other)Mom is Catholic. I have friends who are believers and non believers in all sorts of religions, fatihs, nonreligions, etc. I am merely (as always) trying to share my beliefs and views. I love and respect the world for it's differences, and am beyond thankful I live in a place that allows that. (Oh, and UUofColumbia, I love you for letting me feel at home in a 'spiritual' environment even though I am not a practicer of any specific faith.)

Moving on... As a teenager I didn't understand why a "God" would let me feel so unloved when all I was being taught was about his love. I didn't understand why a 'God" would have made me suffer all that I had ( I had a pretty craptastic childhood...). I didn't understand why a "God" would 'kill' my father before I was given the opportunity for forgiveness, healing, and even a possible relationship with him. I didn't understand why a "God" wouldn't answer my prayers. I didn't understand why a lot of things that I was being taught and heard and etc - weren't happening for me. In religion they say - all in Gods time - but I didn't want Gods time, I wanted it now. Greedy or what you may call it (as you read this thinking of ways to convert me) - I stopped. And before I began my own spirtuality journey - I struggled. Being an 'atheist' in this world is a hard thing (at least for me it was...). All those 'things' that I had "God" for - prayer, anger, love, "God-Feelings" - etc... Well what not? I can't have them as an "atheist".

There's a lot more to be said that I am of course not sharing - but what is to be shared, is that my journey has a rainbow. There has been a hell of a lot of rain. There's going to be a hell of a lot more. But I've got rainbows as reminders - that I am here for my purpose. I've struggled with every hard thing I have - for a reason. I've gone through every trial for to learn. And when my time comes - I will have completed what I have needed to.

I have a 'spiritual' belief that is personal, meaningful, and truth for me. And whether your are Hindu, Mormon, Baptist, Humanist, Atheist, etc - it's so important that your beliefs are personal and meaningful for you - not because you were raised as such, not because of the culture, not because of fear.

With that, I encourage you to read the beautiful poem that has molded my life in many ways that I put at the beginning of this entry.