i am blair.

ADHD Madness 101

2012-01-24T06:57:00.001-05:00

My 16 year old self is kicking my 26 year old self’s ass. Because of who I have ‘become’, of interactions & choices in life that I have made – and the consequences I have and will face because of doing such.

But mostly because lil miss xXpunkXrawkXx is far from being that person I was then… and yet I am in this weird state of ‘label’ limbo. I have absolutely no fashion sense, nor do I really care to – I’m plain jane, and probably always will be. And yet part of me is female and craves fashion knowhow, and then part of me is still secretly punkrock and wants sleeves and my Monroe piercing back.

And my 16 year old self had knowledge of direction and ambitions I craved. I knew what I wanted to do – and knew what it took to get there. Yet now floater me, is lost – because I have floated for the past 8 years, and now have fallen and have to stop. Wings Chopped, baby.

Women should not be allowed to look at pictures of their romantic partner’s ex-girlfriends. Nor should we be allowed to look at pictures of our ex-romantic interests current love interests. Further, we should instead remember our own beauty and exemplary gifts to the world. We (and I) have so much to offer and yet We (and I) sell ourselves so damn short by constantly comparing ourselves to blonde haired, size 2, catholic sorority plastic chicks. That just ain’t me, and honestly – even as lost and unaware of who I am as I may presently be – I know enough, to know that won’t ever be me.

In the meantime I’ll continue to be one who at 26 wears chucks, pearls and braids in the same moment. I will forever love hemp necklaces, birkenstocks and outdoor festivals. I will continue to hug trees and feel closest to g-d in nature (I believe in g-d, only I spell it n-a-t-u-r-e – Frank Lloyd Wright). My soul craves bon fires with my anam cara and closest of friends. I will forever want to be married with my most intimate friends & relatives under a big, forest gump style, oak tree on a perfect late summer evening, bare foot. I want to help others realize that their past does not define them, and the future is theirs to conquer. I want to help 16 year old girls learn the importance of self-esteem, and not have to struggle with body dysmorphia/eating disorders. I want to help inspire those who thought life was cut short by tragic mistakes they’ve made – that there is still hope. I will never believe nor accept the idea that government is of any use or benefit to any human being except those who want to control and monopolize those beneath them. I will forever want to engulf myself into every culture and society – to learn more and never stop learning. I hope I am never content with the knowledge I have and always crave to obtain more. I want to accept that ‘courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway’ – even if John Wayne was a draft dodger. I want to teach my children true, true love in the most simple of ways. I want to be better – always striving to be kinder, more loving, more uplifting, more devoted, more passionate, more simple ha. I secretly want to sell all my possessions and run away from this stupid country – and in the same breath give my deepest and most sincere gratitude to the men and women who have helped fight to give me the rights I have to bitch about this stupid country. Hockey moms should simply be that – great moms not presidents. I want to be content with what I have – not want more. I want to be grateful for what I have, and desire to have less and give more. I want to make art – beautiful art – that inspires, encourages, that changes the world. Even if it only changes me. “It's no big deal. What's thirty? Just, you know, the end of youth. Goddamn it, I am looking forward to it!”- ♥Jonathan Larson, I want to write music. I want to sit down right now at my piano and write a song that people will listen to and remember, and do the same thing every morning for the rest of my life. ♥…..and before I go overboard (which I probably already have) I’ll stop my ADHD-madness here.

Don't you understand?I’m never changing who I am!

2012-01-23T20:53:00.001-05:00

So this is what you meant
When you said that you were spent
And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit, right to the top
Don't hold back
Packing my bags and giving the Academy a rain check

I don't ever want to let you down
I don't ever want to leave this town
Cuz after all
This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am

So this is where you fell
And I am left to sell
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell right to the top
Don't look back
Turning to rags and giving the commodities a rain check

I don't ever want to let you down
I don't ever want to leave this town
Cuz after all
This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am

This road never looked so lonely
This house doesn't burn down slowly
To ashes
To ashes

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am

2012-01-22T18:27:00.000-05:00

I keep hearing that it's better that my grandmother be out of pain - that she wanted to go, she was ready, she lived 89 years, she was tired, etc...

But oh selfish me, I am lost. I fake the days pass, just hoping I can go long enough to not cry in public - to try and avoid the topic by any and all costs -

My entire life I've stayed strong - endured, because I believed that if only - I had the strength and never ending support and love of my grandmother. When I felt like my entire family and all of my friends turned their back, that my world was caving in and I was sinking fast - I never once questioned the love of my grandmother. She was my absolute rock - she was my fountain of never ending love & wisdom, she was my perfect example of Christ, she was my absolute Hero.

I miss her so.. so... so... much. I regret every minute I didn't sit with her. I regret every story I didn't pay attention to.I regret any time that wasn't given to her. I regret not holding her longer. I regret not laying by her hands longer. I regret not kissing her goodbye. I regret so much - and I was the one who always said I didn't believe in regrets... and here I am, overcome with them.

And she's gone. And I can't get over it.

(my dad's grave)

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

2012-01-22T13:55:00.000-05:00

Blah!

2012-01-17T21:23:00.000-05:00

My hero entered the kingdom of heaven on Friday.

Her funeral was today - and as hard as I thought it would be - and really, as hard as it is - my heart rejoices in the assurance I have gained to know, of where she is going.

Not because of the great woman she was, not because of the countless great deeds she did, nor the numerous things she gave & taught & shared with her family, community & friends - but because she had faith in Christ as her savior.

And that's all she had to do - to accept Him - to gain that entrance. To gain entrance into the kingdom of Heaven, where her body is beautiful & perfect - where she is with her beloved mother and father, her husband, her many siblings and family & friends, who have passed on before her that accepted that same gift.

I could write a thousand pages of the beauty and amazingness of my dear, dear grandmother. I've tried in the past to explain in the smallest of ways the deep amount of joy she brought to my life - the strength she gave and taught to me - the amazing ways in which she was my beautiful, hero. But I don't feel in the moment I could begin to express anything but the sorrow my heart feels for her earthly departure...

Departing the doves...

2012-01-08T16:28:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I get very insecure that my boyfriend is 1000x more attractive than I. It leads my brain to rushing thoughts, and I can't get out of them.

Being in something good, I think, scares me, because I've never seen or experienced good. Which is pyshco, and leads to the fact that yes, I Blair, am clearly looney tunes.

The sermon at church today was about epiphanies aka "aha moments" (plus the other 2 definitions) and it cleary spoke to me, as I contantly feel that I need those HUGE 'aha moments' to define anything I believe or feel, otherwise it's certainly impossible to be true.

I also shouldn't post blogs when my adrenaline is through the roof.

♥♥Love; it will not betray you

2012-01-08T08:55:00.000-05:00

I know I've shared this prior, but I still just simply adore this cover!♥

(it won't let me embed it, so you'll have to go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYIxTj0MO-M to hear the loveliness!)

Love; it will not betray you

Dismay or enslave you,

it will set you free

Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry

Of my heart to see,

The beauty of love as it was made to be

Hello 2012!

2012-01-05T12:20:00.002-05:00

Yes, it’s 5 days after New Years… NewYears eve I had a plan to write all this ‘stuff’ about 2011 and the happenings,my growing, my fears & hopes, blah blah blah… but I didn’t, and alas Idon’t think I will.

2012 marked 3 years sincebeginning this ‘blog’. I created it in 2009 with few hopes – to go out moreoften(since I never, ever went out…), reach my goal weight (not there…), andget a boob job. I’m glad I wasn’t vain or anything J

2010 I’m sure included somemore fitness/health related goals, as well as 2011 – but quite frankly, the endof 2010/beginning of 2011 didn’t go exactly as how I had ever planned (thankgosh), so I think for the past year I basically was living in survival mode –numbing mode – and fear mode.

But, now – 2012 – Theysay 85% of people give up on their resolutions 2 weeks into them. Well, I’m notstarting til day 5, so here’s hoping I’m part of that 15%.

Mom – First and foremost, I need to stack my priorities overmy desires – and that’s my babes that I have neglected and not been a fairmother to for the past year.(Deleted unnecessary drama details that explain whyI was perhaps not a great mother). But what matters is, Mitch – I forgive you. And because of the love that surpasses all understanding – I have been able to forgiveyou. I hope that we can co-parent our children to the best of our capabilitiesso that they grow up always knowing that they are loved and supported.

Health & Fitness – I’m 40 pounds away from my ‘ideal’weight – give or take 5 pounds. Last winter I lost more weight than everbecause I was at the gym at least 3 hours a day – which is not feasible now. Infact my time is really non-existent. But my goal, or my priority rather is toat least make it to the gym (the gym membership that I’ve yet to use) 3x aweek. That is not impossible considering they are open 24 hours. Ideally I willfinish this year in better health and a more personally attractive body.

Money & Debt – since moving to Frederick in May, andsince the end of last year – as I mentioned I was living in that survival &fear mode. Basically I destroyed my credit that I had just spent 2 years tryingto rebuild. Then in November when I crashed my car – that through my financesout the window. Of course I have spent a lot on things that I shouldn’t have –but my goal for 2012 (which I think might top my health & fitness desires)is to create a budget – and STICK TO IT. And start snowballing my debt again. 5years from now I will be grateful, 10 years from now I will be ecstatic, and 25years from now I will be joyful that I can actually retire because in 2012 Igot financially smart.

All the rest of the things I would hopefully like to do at leastonce in 2012: ● DAVIS :-) ●volunteer●apply for graduate school ●attend a class (whether graduate, communitycollege, community, anything). ●surpass my personal work goals. ●ink hattie●find a church home ●run a half marathon ●run a marathon ●mermaid hair ●frugalfashion ●thrifty home ●true friendship ●better track of updating blogs ●loveunconditionally.

This is what we call "Blair Attempting to Be Nice"

2012-01-03T19:53:00.000-05:00

Worship

2012-01-03T14:35:00.000-05:00

is when you walk away and all you can think about is Him and your relationship with Him. You are not thinking about the band or the music or whether or not they did your favourite song. Your simply lost in your thoughts of Him; you are remembering what the Holy Spirit told you and taught you; you are relishing in the satisfaction of your soul because your needs have been heard and met. You have been given love and have received love; moreover, your affection has not been rejected and you are at peace. You are stirred to continue to be obedient to all He has commanded, not out of duty or obligation, but because you are in love with your Creator Who loves you like no one can.True worship results in change of your heart, of your actions, of your mind. Otherwise, we have simply sung a bunch of songs over and over like choir practice. So, either I am a singer and I go away a bit hoarse or I am a worshipper and go away different.

- Jami Smith

Questions & Sureties

2011-12-31T14:47:00.000-05:00

On August 20, 2003 - 3 days prior to my original baptism into the LDS church, I wrote in my 'spiritual' blog (which is really just a couple random musings of my religious journey when I was younger) the following:

dear heavenly father; i come to you with tears in my eyes. tears of last minute confusion. Heavenly Father; is what I'm doing wrong... is what I am doing agaisnt you.. your word? Father it all makes so much sense, everything. You showed me truth, multiple times in many many different ways. you gave me the exact verses that I prayed, and I know that it was from you ... because I don't know the book of mormon, you just knew where I had to read. You gave me complete love of a church, where I thought I would hate because it was the exact opposite of what I was used to; of what I thought I truly loved & adored.. but you made it clear that church was for you, and you alone. Heavenly father, would i be this nervous? I know I am happy too; but theres still so much not doubt, but.. I'm just so scared, because what if I am doing is not for you, and I'm joining something wrong. Will you condemn me father? I love you so much Father, and I'm so thankful for your son Jesus christ, and I only want to live for you.. and teach the world everything You were able to teach us.. but father, am I teaching the wrong things? I wish I could goto someone at Vineyard, and just ask for help... and make sure what i was doing wasn't wrong.. but it's to late, I'm getting baptized saturday.. and here I am in tears, because I'm so lost and confuzed, when I thought i was 110% positive.. God please make it right on saturday, please make this fear go away... and please send someone to help me.. - your daughter, Whitney

I was going through old journal's and blogs I've kept over the years wanting to find an entry or something so that I could say - here I was January 1, 2001 vs 2005 vs 2009 vs 2012... but alas. In it's own way, finding that was comforting... to know that even then, even over 8 years ago, I questioned my judgement and characters.

Oh, and God totally sent someone to help me by the way, it just took a couple... years! :)

Love.

2011-12-31T14:25:00.003-05:00

"Modern Girls Approximately"

as the night's fallin' down like a queen without a crown

she falls fast she falls deep she counts her lies and her sheep

it's gonna be alright

she's gonna make it out somehow

modern girls at their best hide their love in a chest

buried far beneath the sea there ain't a reason without a key

you chase 'em far you chase 'em wide then they run and they hide

like a mother to a child you hold them down, they grow wild

it's gonna be alright

she's gonna make it out somehow

they try you on like a shoe never used only new

paintin' clouds in the sky modern girls and their lies.

2011-12-28T18:52:00.000-05:00

“Love is a commitment that will be tested in the most vulnerable areas of spirituality, a commitment that will force you to make some very difficult choices. It is a commitment that demands that you deal with your lust, your greed, your pride, your power, your desire to control, your temper, your patience, and every area of temptation that the Bible clearly talks about. It demands the quality of commitment that Jesus demonstrates in His relationship to us.”

― Ravi Zacharias,

‎"As churches we are at our best when we throw away titles like contemporary or traditional and just be a church that knows its strengths and uses them to create a meaningful, worshipful community." ♥

2011-12-23T07:52:00.001-05:00

I’m not a fan of denominations. I see the need for them – people worship God in different ways, come to know him from different paths of life, etc. Some people dig traditional styles of worship, others a more contemporary approach. I love that people out there are creating new ways of helping people in all walks find and know God, to accept Christ as their savior.

But in all that glory and splendor – we forget, too often, the bigger reality. It does not matter where you worship on Sunday. It does not matter if you wave your arms in worshipy-acoustic splendor, or do the ritual “kneel & stand” workouts on Sundays. What matters is the answer you’re personally convicted of – what you hold to be true. As Christians, we must remember that we the people, are the physical body of Christ – our presence where we gather together, whether in an open field, a brick stone church, or in the home of another – that is the Church of Christ.

Romans 10:13 "Scripture reassures us, "No one who trusts God like this—heart and soul—will ever regret it." It's exactly the same no matter what a person's religious background may be: the same God for all of us, acting the same incredibly generous way to everyone who calls out for help. "Everyone who calls, 'Help, God!' gets help."

2011-12-22T21:38:00.002-05:00

So apparently God woke up one morning (because, quite obviously, God sleeps.... (and I'm kidding)... and thought to Himself "Blair, today's your lucky day, because while you think you're underserving - I'm going to bless the heck out of you, and we will name that blessing Alex". Though the specifics of this are debatable, as some may claim I met Alex late in the evening, while others could say that I received that blessing at 2AM on a Saturday Morning after driving a ridiculous amount for a ontheflybutmygutfeelsright visit.

Regardless, holy snap. Holy. Freaking. Snap. If Thanksgiving was amazing, I don't know how to describe what I got to home to for Christmas!

It only takes a minute amount of yeast, you know, to permeate an entire loaf of bread.

2011-12-15T03:36:00.001-05:00

Galatians 4:9-10The Message (MSG) 8-11 Earlier, before you knew God personally, you were enslaved to so-called gods that had nothing of the divine about them. But now that you know the real God—or rather since God knows you—how can you possibly subject yourselves again to those paper tigers? For that is exactly what you do when you are intimidated into scrupulously observing all the traditions, taboos, and superstitions associated with special days and seasons and years. I am afraid that all my hard work among you has gone up in a puff of smoke!

This evening (well, last evening since it's now 3:27 AM) I was asked in all seriousness - if I was in the right mental mindset, "free from mental illnesses" because I sat and told a man that I did not believe in his religion. I tried to re-iterate with great tact, yet still with great assurance, that I 100% did not have any mental illnesses that would currently prevent or hinder my judgement over the statements I had generated. Though, I couldn't help but laugh when asked - and apparently it stuck out long enough that I now feel compelled to write about...

In my 26 years of life - I have found God & turned my back on God way, way too many times. But what's so beautifuly amazing about the true gospel of Christ - is that it is one that gave us a gift - through blood atonement - that should we accept it, no matter our faults or errors - we are forgiven and given entrance into eternity. Heck, freaking, yes?!

Deuteronomy 31:6The Message (MSG) 6 "Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you." Hebrews 13:5New Living Translation (NLT) 5 ... be satisfied with what you have. For God has said,“I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.”[a]

No matter how many times I have turned my back on God, He always remains, arms wide open, willing to accept me back. Just a nice reminder for myself!

Return to me so I can return to you, says God.

So, SO in love.

2011-12-14T21:55:00.000-05:00

Song of Solomon 7:10-12The Message (MSG) my love's kisses flow from his lips to mine.I am my lover's. I'm all he wants. I'm all the world to him!Come, dear lover— let's tramp through the countryside.Let's sleep at some wayside inn, then rise early and listen to bird-song.Let's look for wildflowers in bloom, blackberry bushes blossoming white,Fruit trees festooned with cascading flowers.And there I'll give myself to you, my love to your love!

“All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen”- Ralph Waldo Emerson

2011-12-06T10:33:00.001-05:00

Our entire lives we never… well, I never… expected ‘it’ to happen. “It” being that unexplainable good that fills your heart and life. And it’s not that ‘it’ is perfect – because as we all know too well, nothing in life beyond our Savior is perfect. But ‘it’ gets pretty dang close. When your heart is so overflowing with love and gratitude that your prayers are just continuous thank you’s over and over and over.

As anyone who reads my blog knows – I’m a big lover of ‘aha’ moments. And this weekend, I had a huge ‘aha’ moment. And ‘it’ clicked, and the amount of gratitude that I was able to unleash overcame me. I was no longer a general of an army in metal walled wars – but rather a soldier in the march for love and righteousness, proclaiming truth in ways that I never thought could be possible, and in ways that I never thought I would findagain.

God is so ridiculously gracious and good to us, to me, an individual. I can not thank Him enough. I could begin and end my day in a prayer of gratitude, and still would never come close to expressing my gratitude for all that he has done and provided me with. There has been heart ache, pain, suffering, turmoil, confusion, wrong paths – but still Christ is there with open arms to accept me back.

Since music always seems to say what I wish I could formulate in my head; I'll leave you with a great song.

Lyrics:

You run, you hide

As tears fall from your eyes

They fall like snow

From a wounded soul

You hold inside

The hurt of great divide

The hole is starting to get old

So come back to the light

To the love, you will find

It’s been here all along

So come back to the start

And you’ll find in your heart

That you always belonged

To me

Just take the rope

I won’t let it go

Give in

We can start again

I’m life, I’m hope

And I’m ready to explode

With how bad I want you back home

You’re my daughter, you’re my son

You’re the one I long to love

And you’ve heard I chose to die

Do you know you’re the reason why?

Grace Rightly Applied Changes Everything

2011-11-26T01:56:00.001-05:00

Who knew a period of time could be the best to ever happen to you - and yet the most hurtful, painful, and heartbreaking as well.

It's included learning everlasting & truthful, unfading love - and yet the realization that those we love so much, can unexpectedly turn their backs and hurt us with such ease.

My heart is filled to the brim with gratitude - un-explainable, and unending gratitude - for what has been recently given & restored to my life. I never thought I would get these things - and more so, get so many of them back after so long. But G-d proves that he is greater, stronger, and more devout to us, his followers, than any question or doubt we may ever have or face. I so strongly face the days ahead of me, each with it's own beauty and worth.

As far as events - last Friday I was in a car wreck, and totaled my car. Total Bummer. My amazing boyfriend found coverage for his work, and immediately came down to be with me. He left Sunday night, and on Tuesday when I got home from work I was surprised with a thanksgiving festive decorated apartment & candle lit dinner . Hello, swoon! The following night I managed to make a fool out of myself (who, ME!?) but also accomplished things that were laying so heavily upon my heart that I'm not sure I would have ever done otherwise.

Apparently during that 'make a fool of myself' phase, I had concurred to sending a letter (an email rather) that I then the next morning didn't recall. I flipped. I flipped. I FLIPPED. Fear overcame me - I couldn't believe I had "allowed" it to happen, I couldn't believe "the person" had done it & trusted me in my state, etc. After a worse tempter tantrum than most 3 year old's give - one that expelled many, many awful hurtful things to someone who has done nothing but shown great honesty & love to me - I realized, that it was something that needed to happen. It was a letter I would have never had the courage to do so on my own, and it was important that it be done. Funny that if we simply stop to truly think - rather than just immediately act - how different our actions and thought processes will be.

Thursday morning Mr Amazing and I ventured down to Virginia, where I thought was a great thanksgiving - first with Mr Amazing's (AMAZING family) & then with my own. OF course, that would be too good to be true with my family, so the night and next day ended up being some of the most embarrassing, painful, and ridiculously pathetic events I've dealt with in a long time. But amongst the immaturity and cruelty, (I no innocent bystander of course), good came through in other areas - to which I give G-d the glory.

In a town next to my mom's (Staunton) they do a light show, and local organizations/churches/etc put up themed light exhibits for viewers to drive through the park and see... the LDS church in the area has a model of the Washington DC temple - how could I pass that moment up? :)

2011-11-20T19:47:00.001-05:00

“Things need not have happened to be true. Tales and adventures are the shadow truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes and forgotten”

-Neil Gaiman

Le freaking SIGH!

2011-11-17T20:43:00.001-05:00

Today at work, shortly after 3pm, I hear a woman come to the front desk (my office is ~~kitty~~ "~~Katty~~" "Caddy" corner to the reception area) and she tells our front office gal "I have flowers for Blair" and I'm like... what, did I Just hear that right? So I run out of my office and oh my heck she has floooowwwers for ME!!! I was so red, but so so excited! I've never gotten flowers at work, and hello - my freaking favorite flower ever - white daisy's!
Oh Swoon! I seriously am head over heels for the most amazing guy in the world, hands down. It's so amazing to be treated and respected - vs what I spent years in. I'm so grateful for everything that has lead me to exactly where I am in my life - no regrets. But hands down, I'm smitten... heck I'm beyond smitten!

2011-11-15T22:10:00.001-05:00

"When you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this: you haven't."~thomas edison

2011-11-10T00:31:00.001-05:00

He will probably kill me for doing this - but I simply can't resist..
You know what's AWESOME about having a boyfriend who loves the Lord as much as you?

Getting to do devotionals with him every night on skype! :):):):)

I happen to "loike" Mr Charming a lot, so much I might happen to chose him.

The Lord is with me, what can mortals do against me?

2011-11-08T09:01:00.002-05:00

When I was 13, I ‘found’ Jesus. Meaning – I went from knowing who Jesus was, to truly accepting him as my personal savior. It wasn’t the ‘cool’ thing to do – I got mocked a lot in school for my devout compassion & commitment to my Lord – because I went from ‘trying’ to fit in, to just being who the Lord had created me to be – and not being ashamed of that.

Come high school – I had grown a deeper and ever-continuously developing love and knowledge of the Lord. I went to youth group 3x a week – at 3 different churches (denominations), because I, even at such a young age – knew that the body of Christ was the church – not a physical building or denominational title. But even in all my strength – eventually a darkness overcame me, and I became a completely different person.

But the summer I was 17, I went to this amazing camp called centrifuge, which was ‘Baptist’ but very similar to the ‘non-denominational’ worshipy church I had been going to since 13. It consumed me, and my heart was deeply reminded of the faith and commitments I had once given to the Lord years prior. When I got home, however – even amidst my entire ‘spiritual’ high- in my weakness – I realized that I needed some ‘excuse’ to change. The LDS church gave me permission to walk away from the ‘bad influences’, the party lifestyle, the wrong path I was headed down – because I was too weak to simply say “Jesus carry me through this”.

Obviously since that time – since 17, my journey with Christ has been one that has had it’s ups, downs, & then somes. I’ve climbed walls with his strength & then so soon there after, I’ve turned my back on him. I’ve felt his presence in my searching – but then omitted him from my ever-being. In my marriage I craved so deeply to have a husband who would be my spiritual equal. I soul searched, I faked it hoping I could make it – etc… all hoping that eventually, somewhere, the man I claimed to love would match me – and even though in 7 years that never happened – I never stopped hoping it would.

When I was 13, I knew that was what I wanted more than anything – someone to pray with at night, and the morning. Someone who knew in their heart of hearts, that their savior was their everything. And I think that is so deeply what drew me to the Mormon church – because I saw these young guys giving undividedly to their personal faiths’ and that was so deeply what I craved. Of course, I craved that from one whose beliefs would match mine – and so eventually I “caved” in. I didn’t know when I got baptized the 2^nd time if the church was any more true than I had ever prior to that. In all honesty, I probably knew that I didn’t believe in the church, more than ever. But that age old saying of “fake it til ya make it” constantly floated in my mind, and I figured that if I just kept going – if I just prayed more earnestly, read my scriptures more devotedly, etc – that eventually, something would click and I would believe. I thought that by getting my patriarchal blessing & going to the temple – I would finally have that breakthrough ‘aha’ moment of belief. Which is why when ‘that’ happened, happened, I was most heartbroken… because I had put such faith into this ‘thing’ (PB&temple) giving me my faith, rather than having faith to get me there, and then I felt that my opportunity for having faith was taken from me in an instant.

Through my entire ‘re-Mormon’ journey, I had to keep myself from reading the bible – I never actually consciously thought of it – but in reality, as I was talking with a friend, I realized it had happened – and more so, WHY it had happened…because I knew what truths the bible contained, but I didn’t want to believe those – I wanted to believe in the LDS church.

I loved that by ‘re-joining’ the LDS church, the people who had stopped talking to me for years – were suddenly so happy for me and wanting to be a part of my journey. I was so happy with the attention, and excitement – just as I was at 17 when I joined originally. Even with 8 years, I was willing to give up eternal happiness for a fiction novel that made me temporarily happy. And just as it was 8 years ago – the timing was perfect (for them to ‘get’ me). 8 years ago I was needing that ‘excuse’ for change, I was facing hard times with a deathly ill father whom I had no relationship with, confused about my lifepath, etc. In May (though I had been meeting with missionaries for over a year prior with never an intention to join the church), when I moved to Frederick – I was a single woman going through a divorce, who lost her family, and just moved to a town where I knew not a single person but the married man I was sleeping with…. Yeah you could say I was looking for that ‘excuse’ to change, yet again.

For the first time in 13 years I went to an Episcopal church on Sunday. And instantly, from the moment I walked into the building – my heart was full, my soul felt at home. I had been searching for that feeling for so long – and (not so) ironically, it was exactly where I had left it 13 years ago. I walked in to a building, where the first person I run into is a clergy member – a woman. I was reminded of the amazement and admiration I had so deeply for my old priestess. How much I respected that a woman could stand next to a man, that a woman could potentially stand above a man, and speak the word of God.

From the time I accepted Christ, until I joined the LDS church – I knew, without a doubt, that I wanted to be a youth pastor. I had been planning to attend a college-prep program in Texas called the Honor’s Academy, where you spend a year prior to college fully learning the word, and how to be a witness of & for the faith. I then planned to attend Trinity Bible College where I would take that calling I had so deep within me, to become a youth pastor. I remember telling my admissions counselor at both the Honor’s academy & Trinity, that I wouldn’t be coming – they were crushed… but when I told them why, they were devastated. I didn’t get it at the time – I didn’t understand why they weren’t happy that I was joining the LDS church, but I of course realize now, 8 years later.

Well Sunday, that calling overwhelmingly came back to me, merely sitting in church listening to the messages shared. For 8 years I’ve been confused, I’ve felt lost because I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. And Sunday, I felt that compassionate reminder from my savior to youth ministry. Perhaps not in the pastoral role – but in some component – so that I can help share my message, and give others hope – that with the strength of Christ, we can overcome.

What happened on October 2^nd, was the greatest gift I could have ever received – through all the pain and confusion that honestly consumed & overwhelmed me for an entire month post that event, was worth it – because it allowed my heart and mind to be open to truth, and to accepting what I already knew was true. It allowed me to remember what my faith is in, who my savior is and was, and where I’m going when I leave this world.

I can not express to you enough, that Jesus came into this world to save it – not to condemn it. You don’t have to live every day feeling guilty for mistakes or ‘sins’ you may have made. You don’t have to worry about if you are doing enough good, or doubt that when you pass whether if you’ll make it to God’s kingdom or not.- I had fooled myself that because of my transgressions, I was not good enough to fit into God’s kingdom, and had accepted that I was a “telestial” bound member of the LDS faith – when really, I’m a heaven bound member of God’s faith.

When I said that I would never turn my back on my savior a few months back – I had no idea the depth of that statement, or how sincerely I would mean it – I thought it just meant I would continue to actively go to mormon church, hoping that one day I got that ‘aha’ moment, and that would be that. I remember praying a week before I was supposed to get my patriarch blessing – (I was originally supposed to get my pb that day this occurred, and yet “magically” the patriarch had to reschedule). But, at 2 in the freaking morning, I got on my knees, and in tears that poured, a soul that begged, I said Lord – please, please tell me you are real, Please let me know that this church is true, let me know that I am doing what you want me to do. And instantly, an answer was given to me “Whitney Blair Pettrey, you are loved by your savior & that is all you’ll ever need to know”. I had never, ever, in all my years – had anything, like that happen. I had no idea what it meant in that moment – I was rather upset that ‘the spirit’ would tell me that Jesus loves me, but not that the church is true, or that I’m on the right path, or answer to those deep questions I had been begging & pleading for in devout prayer & tears.

But it was so monumental and preparatory for what would soon come to pass. My ‘testimony’ of the church may have waivered (though really what testimony did I have) when the ‘event’ took place on October 2^nd – but my devout love for my father in Heaven, for my savior, for the Lord Christ himself- has never, ever waivered nor would it. I may have questioned how God would allow what happened to happen – but I knew that even with the questioning, it was for a reason – and like God always amazingly does, it was a reason that was so personal and deeply a reminder for his love me, Blair Pettrey, PERSONALLY. That Jesus Christ truly loves and knows ME. That the Lord is real, that the Lord reminded me in my prayer that of the love of the savior, but purposefully did not mention the ‘church’ or other things.

I expect none of you to be in shock over what I am saying in this. Most of you questioned how long it would be til ‘this’ happened yet again – which makes me think now, looking back, that maybe each of you knew better than I that my heart was for the Lord, not for a man’s church. I am not sorry for those of you in my Frederick ward if this comes shocking or disappointing to you – I do not wish you any harm or discontent, but truly I am on the path of the Lord and I can not apologize for that. To ‘Kirby & Kennard’, the lies you spoke that thus lead to this event – were actually a gift, and I can not thank you enough. Bishop Vandre – I thank you beyond words for the gift you unknowingly bestowed upon me. I honestly never thought that I would get such spiritual gain from the insincerity and haste you showed to me that day. Please don’t feel the need to ‘pray for me’, to contact me. There’s no need to show up at my doorstep, to call or text me, to send the missionaries hunting after me, etc.

Psalm 118:6 “The Lord is with me;I am not afraid; for what can mortals do against me?” 13I was hard pressed and falling, but the Lord came to my help. 14The Lord, my strength and might, came to me as savior.”

Everybody has a secret world inside of them...

2011-11-02T15:45:00.000-04:00

Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people of the world, I mean everybody. No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they've all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe.

-Neil Gaiman

3 Weeks

2011-10-30T17:47:00.001-04:00

Turns out 3 weeks comes & goes (until a friend reminds ya) pretty easily when the toilet's been your best friend for a week.

True Statements..

2011-10-29T15:45:00.003-04:00

I listen to bagpipes while doing dishes.

Reveille goes off on my phone at 7am; taps at 9pm.

I'd rather listen to the Archies, Bing Crosby, Ella Fitzgerald, & Lester young than any of the BS crap on the radio today.

Oh, and those bagpipes? They make me cry up, every time, no matter what song - so I do dishes whilst crying.

Your life may be the only Bible some people read.

2011-10-24T22:16:00.002-04:00

Having something that you have so engulfed yourself into - taken away from you, without notice, without warning - is incredibly hard. Like a relationship - that you think is going so well, so strong - and shockingly the other person ends it. It's hard. It's hard to go from being so used to having that comfort, that commitment, those activities & rituals that become so dang routine to you and your life and surroundings - gone. And yet, in all it's ironic splendor, it's amazing how fast habits that once were ceremonial to your every single day and being, can end.

At first, I was angry - because my integrity and character were questioned - when I was the one there every single week, above and beyond, even before making any actual commitment. I was the one giving not only of myself, but of my income. I was the one who at the drop of a hat, would have done anything asked of me - even if it meant doing it begrudgingly - I would without a doubt, do that of which I was asked. And yet, the complete opposite of me was trusted and my months and months of character sharing were thrown out like they meant nothing..

I spoke of my anger to anyone would dare listen - because I wasn't just angry, I was devastated. My entire rock (or what I thought was my rock) had been literally taken out from under me, and I had nothing left but that eternal fall. Some told me to question why I would believe in something to have it judge and hurt me the way it did, to read things that would disprove what had happened. Other's tried to help me remember who I was - who I am - and who I've always been - and how 'title' or not, I would and have never been -that-, so to have my character questioned... well some gave me right in my anger. Some (more, the many) have no idea.

It's funny, to those who don't really matter - to those who are just passer-by's in my every-day life, I will openly tell them what occurred - but I hide from those who I thought actually cared - because I'm shocked, I'm appalled, I'm embarrassed - I've questioned my own self, because obviously if "they" think that, it must somehow be true... but I know in the very pit of my soul, it's not. And so I hide further. And yet once again, I find myself, wondering alone.

The day after 'it' occurred, I had to text my co-worker to take all the pictures/items that represented 'it' from my office, so that I wouldn't be reminded of it. She hid them, so I couldn't destroy them in rash anger, nor could I stare at them in unnecessary regrets. And sitting at my desk right now, staring at a photo from the day of the official 'beginning', I am empty. There's a dozen emotions soaring through me - by just looking at a photo - and yet, the emotions are so exhausted, the feelings so overwhelmingly already played.

I gave my all ... every single last breath of energy, life and commitment to this thing - to have it blown up and thrown in my face.

I don't think, that if there was a g-d, this would be representative of what it would want - assuming it is involved in our personal lives. And I have to trust that - I have to trust my own instinct, my own self. Because I am apparently the only one who will ever trust me, I am the only one who will know what is and what is not - and I can't be bitter that other's (however right or wrong) believe differently. It's merely the reality that man is merely man, far from perfect. No matter the position or title an individual carries, they are still merely a being on this earth that is full of mistakes and unfortunate regrets, whether they accept & admit them - whether they see the reality - and whether they adhere to doing good daily, or not.

This was just merely a stumbling block into the path of finding my true self. It was a gift given to me, before I got too 'caught up'. However "deep" I thought I was in, the pain would have only been worse after certain events took place - so in it's own way, the timing was a gift. A gift from preventing me from thinking something's real, that's not. A gift of seeing the reality, rather than being carried away by the mistaken beauty of something.

I feel foolish for getting so entangled into it, for thinking somehow this time could be different - but then again, so many of us don't learn lessons the first time we make mistakes. Sometimes it takes mistake, after mistake, after mistake. It takes failure after failure after failure - til we realize, that old saying of "if we want different results, we must make different choices". And alas, I learned.

A midst the shame, the embarrassment, the error, and that heart-wrenching pain; I learned. I learned my truth. I learned to never question my own integrity just because someone else does. I was reminded that I am good - and I don't need fiction novels to tell me how. That it's okay to long for that feeling of community and acceptance - but to give up our true selves to get there - will only lead to devastation and painful confusion in the end.

With or without it,

I am who I am...

I am Blair.

2011-10-22T17:50:00.000-04:00

For what we love determines what we seek.

What we seek determines what we think and do.

What we think and do determines who we are—and who we will become.

-- DIETER F. UCHTDORF
(read or hear the rest here)

Perfection.

2011-10-21T16:59:00.002-04:00

[And because I love covers, I'm including an incredible (maybe even better than the original?) cover!]

Week 1

2011-10-16T22:01:00.000-04:00

It take's 3 weeks to become the statistic.
It's kind of weird being forced into the situation than doing it by choice.

Today I slept in, woke up with two snuggle bugs to each side of me, and soaked in the beautiful sunlight.

I could get used to this..

blahblahblabhlabhalhbablahblabhlabhalblahblabhlabhalblahblabhlabhalblahblabhlabhalblahblabhlabhalblahblabhlabhalblahblabhlabhalblahblabhlabhalblahblabhlabhalblahblabhlabhalblahblabhlabhalblahblabhlabhalblahblabhlabhalblahblabhlablah

:(

2011-10-09T21:19:00.000-04:00

Lighthouses are more helpful then churches.
- Benjamin Franklin

2011-10-08T16:00:00.000-04:00

That bottom ring? That was given to me, by my mother, 8 years ago when I was dunked 1.0... She actually came to my baptism - and she spoke things I wish I would have never taken for granted, and shared things I wish I remembered verbatim - because now they have drizzled, and she believes me not that she once spoke them. Nor did she attend 2.0... nor would she. Her only reference to my church is to ask if I'm "still going" - (which come on folks, I don't blame her, nor any of you, for asking that - but I've lived in Frederick 5 months - in 5 months I've missed church -once- because I was in Chicago for work. I am not perfect - but I realize that's why I NEED the gospel - and so even admit my trials & struggles, I will never -never- walk away from my the hand of my Savior, again.)

When we need something the most - we tend to run away from it. I'm trying to break that habit, I'm trying to cling to it.

I've never clung this hard to the gospel. I've never been so faithful and diligent to - really probably, anything.. I begin every morning with some type of scripture study and prayer - and I end the day the same. If I get time to read extra, I read - talks from past conferences, the ensign, the standard works, scriptures, gospel-centered books, etc etc etc. I am in most need of the gospel - and I, knowing that, am making sure to give myself to that.

Blah...

2011-10-07T21:21:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry all I write about is church church, gospel, church - but truly that is what my life centers around. It is the focus of my every day - something that keeps me encouraged when times are hard, and yet keeps me mindful & humble when things could go to my head. I'm getting my patriarch blessing this Sunday! I am kind of freaking? Kind of not. I feel really 'prepared'. I feel emotionally 'ready', I feel spiritually 'hungry' for it. And yet, I don't understand the huge meaning in it - because everyone is 'so excited' for me and I'm like "..." But truly I know that it's a beautiful gift that our loving Father in Heaven gives to us - and so I am grateful that the Bishop worked with me in getting it done!

Kirby & I broke up - meaning our friendship ended... Cest' la vie. And with that - I (re)began my exercise addiction - I've run and/or walked every night this week - and I am loving it. Still yet to use that gym membership... but it's there when I'm too cold to go outside, in the mean time I'll soak in every night run I can while I still can! I was supposed to have my 'weight' gone by my 26th birthday. I was also supposed to have it gone by July. Obviously neither of those happened - but truly I am back in the habit of working on myself, and working towards progression. Life is a constant state of progression, is it not? Why not make it worth while!

I am going to the temple on Wednesday to do baptisms. At least I'm supposed to. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. I want to - and yet I don't. I mean of course I want to, but rather, am I ready? Am I truly worthy? I'm trying to really realize the worthiness of my soul in all things... but it's hard. I'm reading "Beliving Christ" and it's helping, a lot, but still... I was emailing with a guy that is going Wednesday and his only advice was to "remember that I will be entering the house of the Lord" and all of a sudden I freaked - and thought OH I'M NOT WORTHY, I'M NOT READY! THIS KID CAN TELL! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

One step at a time... Even if it's not Wednesday, I know that I have that goal in mind - I know there's no greater place I'll feel the strength of the spirit. But, even if 'just' for baptisms, I don't want to go when I'm not ready - but then the other part of me thinks when will I ever 'be ready' - I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be, and is this Satan just playing a game of tug-of-war and winning, big? Blahk!

It's hard to believe this photo was taken over a year ago. At the temple. It's hard to believe I was "never going to be LDS again but it's a beautiful thought" in this picture. It's hard to think of who I was then vs. who I am now - that alone, is proof that life is a constant journey, a journey of progression, both personally & spiritually. I've come a long way - I have yet to go, a long way - and this is where I'm at.

Hole?I miss your face. I miss you so, so terribly much. I don't think there is a person on this earth right this very moment that my heart aches to see and be with as much as you. I love you. Thank you for never giving up on me, in me, or with me. Thank you for dealing with my ups & my downs. Thank you for letting me ramble - and thanks for letting me not ramble most the time because I'd rather avoid reality. I love you big! ♥ Who knew that I may get to watch you be sealed one day!? As I told you in the draper temple 2 years ago (yeah, the day I called it ugly) - I will be here one day. Watching you. I had no idea what that meant - because I was "hardcore atheist" then - and I wrote an entire post (here) about how "Ugly" the Draper Temple was. But I knew, in that moment, that I would one day be there - I didn't know HOW, or WHY, but I knew - you knew. Our souls knew! Anam Cara! ♥

The Book of Miracles, The Plan of Happiness, A Gospel of Truthfulness

2011-10-02T21:49:00.001-04:00

I know that I struggle. I know that I have my own personal trials and that I am not always the best example, but if for some reason my life were to end tonight - I would want each of you that reads this blog - to know my true and everlasting understanding of the gospel of Christ. In the few short months since I re-joined the church;, in the many years that I investigated the church - my heart felt, my heart filled, and my spirit knew.

If we live righteously, we can be blessed in amazing ways. And righteously does not mean perfect - for if we were perfect, there would be no need for our savior, no need for this gospel, and no need for this church.

If you haven't, I would encourage each of you to just meet with the missionaries in your area. Just hear what these young men, who for 2 years selflessly gave up their lives (and paid for it themselves), to serve their Lord - to share with you the gospel of Christ. You can go here to have local missionaries in your area come speak to you. I'm not saying get baptized, I'm not saying go and accept the gospel - I'm saying-rather, I'm asking that you just seek out the potential truth that this church, this gospel may have for you, in your life.

Pray - if you don't have a book of mormon, let me know and I will get you one. Read it. Whether you read it as a history-fiction novel, or for perhaps more than that - just read it. It has changed my life - it's not just the book of mormon, but a book of miracles.

Through any trial, any struggle, any confusion - I know without a doubt that I have a loving father in heaven, who is mindful and knows me, individually. I leave with you one of my favorite verses in the book of Mormon.

37 Now my brethren, we see that God is ^amindful of every^bpeople, whatsoever land they may be in; yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth. Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever. Amen.

www.lds.org

www.mormon.com

The hills that come after the mountain...

2011-10-02T16:01:00.000-04:00

When you've tackled mountains - mountains that stand tall.
High above the rest of the world.

That overlook all the many great obstacles

and challenges that were required of you to get to the top....

When you've done that,
you would think conquering the hills would be easy.

But what you don't understand,

is that when you've conquered a ferocious mountain,

it takes a lot from you.

Emotionally.

Physically.

Spiritually.

You arrive at the top.

You feel strong - because you got there - but you're exhausted.

You're not ready to even set foot to go back down the mountain -

but you're strong enough to sit and rest a while on that mountain.

But then the hill's come. Hill. after Hill. after Hill.

And you weren't ready.

Are we ever ready?

But you were exhausted.

And you've no energy left to fight.

You've no energy to take the few easy steps up to the top of the hills.

... then what happens?

Playlist for Sept 26-30

2011-09-29T12:07:00.001-04:00

I haven't posted a weekly playlist in forever... ok really, it's been at least 2 years? I know I was living in Utah since I last did it - but I totally get into specific songs for a week, so I'm going to bring it back!

Here's what I'm loving this week! ♥

I have a feeling this is where I do that running thing...

2011-09-27T22:30:00.001-04:00

Knowing what you're supposed to do ... and then doing it - is really damned hard.
But not as hard as knowing what you're supposed to do.

2011-09-27T11:30:00.000-04:00

It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing. And there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it, right? And this bag was just... dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. That's the day I realized that there was this entire life behind things, and this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid. Ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... I need to remember...Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world feel like I can't take it... and my heart is going to cave in...I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.

2011-09-24T17:40:00.000-04:00

With enough courage, you don't need a reputation.

- Rhett Butler

Have I told you lately that I don't do giving up?

2011-09-24T07:02:00.003-04:00

in·ac·tive/inˈaktiv/ : Not working; inoperative

Oh no no no... you say inactive and you think that means I'll give up? Tisk Tisk Tisk.

Nope. Not gonna work honey, not on THIS 'sister'.

It just means you NEED ME, That. Much. More.

It means you need a sister to reach out,

to grab your hand and say,

Girlfriend-I understand.

To tell you, heck yeah I've been there.

I've been done that road.

I've struggled too.

I aint perfect, no-sir-ee.

Ain't ever gonna be perfect, either.

I get the Utah mormon.

Molly's my worst enemy.

And of course there's a dozen in every ward.

Only to be matched, with perfect Peter Priesthood.

But, seriously.

My poor, poor visiting teaching people....

cause I think they thought I would just give up.

HA.

Ha.

HA.
(Cause truth is, more than you need me, I needed you.
To re-light the flame in my heart
that is so passionate about sharing
the gospel with people
like
you!)

Why do you live...? Because I have something worth living for ♥

2011-09-24T03:09:00.000-04:00

I love music that speaks to my soul. A song will hit me - speak to me - and over and over for a day, a week, a month (however long) I will listen to that song on repeat. Totally happening with this song right now.

Instead of wasting efforts trying to explain about the misfortunes and regrets of my past - I simply state, how grateful that I have today to live for.

siempre con cariño ♥

2011-09-20T23:41:00.004-04:00

McFly

BEC!!

PEDERSON

WARD!

KIRBY McFly Spock Pederson Ward IdahoPotatoWatts BEC! Kennard

Kirby McFly Spock Pederson IdahoPotatoWatts Ward BEC! Blair

Saying goodbye to BEC! :(

This was me trying to decide who to stand next to... the missionary who stole my soul, or the missionary who stole my heart! ;) ♥

Still trying to decide...

2011-09-20T12:27:00.002-04:00

Boohoo, Blair.

2011-09-18T18:21:00.001-04:00

This weekend was stake conference at my ward (or in my stake rather...). And quite honestly, I dreaded it. I was hoping I could find an excuse to not go. But I begrudgingly went. (And really, only because I was in Chicago last weekend, and so I missed church, and that was the first time in the 4 months since moving to Frederick, I had missed church and I hated it!).

Prior to it beggining, there was a special gathering for the new members - where a few new members bore their testimony, and then the Maryland mission president spoke.

One of the members who spoke, spoke about how he thought once he got baptized, life would suddenly get easier - and how it's actually the opposite - and how the devil's been strong. And my heart melted. Because that's exactly how I have been feeling since I got baptized. And while I know the gospel is true, it's not easy - and to know that I'm not alone in feeling that way... it just helped lift my spirits so much.

I felt guilty for being in that room though - that room of 'new members'. I forget that I'm a technical 'new member'. And I feel like I am not a new member, I'm an old member who was only active a few short months, and then walked away for 8 years - and now I'm back. But that's not the case. (At least the whole of it). Satan knows that I struggle with feelings of worthiness - he knows my temptations, and throws them at me. And then he knows that he can really get at me by making me feel an enormous sensation of guilt, that I simply can not let go of. I feel guilty for being a 'technical' new member.I feel guilty for the stupid coping mechasms (or lack there of) I have. I feel guilty for being sick. I feel guilty for wanting more from my ward. I feel guilty that I want a bishop I can go to and feel like he hears me. I feel guilty that I feel so lost in my ward. I feel guilty that if I struggle. I feel guilty that I'm not a better friend, a better example of our church, a better example of the truth that I know. And then I get terribly, emotionally upset. And while I still go to church weekly, it takes everything in me. And then I get home and immediately 'turn it off' so that I don't have to sit and think of the guilt. And while I may pray and read my scriptures daily; there's a very real, distinct disconnect that has separated me from the spirit that I should feel whilst doing those things - because of the guilt I carry.

I struggle with knowing that I walked into my bishop's office and begged for a calling, so that I could have a reason to attend church on Sunday's - because I'm at 'that' point, where I give up - and stop going - and yet I'm not given one. I hate feeling judged, while I'm sitting watching amazing people give even more amazing talks during stake conference - because that's merely how my ward makes me feel. I want to scream profane things at people that I don't know saying "WAKE UP" - you're not being a good example, you're a hypocrite, you're blahblahblah - but really, then how would I be any different! I'm sick of trying to strike up conversations with people - because I know otherwise, in my ward, I will sit there, by myself, with no one acknowledging my presence. Honestly - had I not had such an amazing foundation laid before me - and years, and years of studying, pondering, praying, non-praying, non-pondering, etc - if it was merely based on an experience from my ward - I would have run like hell and never looked back. And then I feel guilty for feeling that.

I asked for a calling, twice. I asked for a patriarchal blessing so that I could have some type of purpose, and meaning. And I feel guilty that I think I deserve either of those things. That obviously they aren't in store for me, so why do I keep asking.

At what point, even though I know the gospel is true without a doubt, do I stop. At what point do I give up and stop wasting my time - because I know that it's not going to change. And then when do I stop caring in general - stop reading my scriptures, and stop praying, and stop keeping covenants.

I started writing this, purely so I could share a couple awesome quotes from conference today... share some uplifting scriptures & reminders that were spoken. And I trailed off... my heart began speaking for me. But for an uplifting thought or two - because I do believe in the beauty of the gospel, though I struggle as a human - I will share some killer things! :)

"I am positive in my mind that the Lord has planned our destiny. Sometime we will fully understand. And when we see back from the vantage point of the future, we shall be satisfied with many of the happenings of this life that are so difficult for us to comprehend" - President Spencer W. Kimbell

Peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.
DC 121:7

"In serving we are blessed and in giving we receive!"

A rising tide lifts all boats

Death does not stop salivation.

Psalm 27:4 One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.

Psalm 57 - All of it, but especially - While the pure in heart, and the wise, and the noble, and the virtuous, shall seek acounsel, and authority, and blessings constantly from under thy hand.
And thy apeople shall never be turned against thee by the testimony of traitors.

DC 122 - Again, all of it, but especially .."Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever." ♥

2011-09-17T11:34:00.001-04:00

A picture speaks a thousand words:

2011-09-17T00:34:00.003-04:00

It took me 26 years - but I found 'it'. It took a hell of a LOT of mistakes.
Mistakes I Never.Thought.I.Would.Make.

It took regret, and nights sobbing, losing things I loved and cared for deeply. It took losing everything.

But I found happiness.

I found truth.

I found who I am,

and what I am.

A loved, blessed, daughter of my father in heaven.

Who is far from perfect.

But has a strong understanding of the gospel.

I know that I have a father in heaven, that every time I fail - every time I stumble home, picks me up in his arms and takes me in - because even though I am not perfect - he is. And He understands, and cares for me.

I've never known what I've discovered tonight.

And I'd take the 26 years of pain and devastation,

of mistakes, regrets, losses...

just to know,

what I so deeply know.

I'm a member of the lord's church.

I've made mistakes.

I will never be perfect.

But I know, now, more than ever, that what I want is to do all I can to return to my loving father in Heaven.

This is part of a series of how _ changed my life.

How mormonism changed my life.

How true friendship changed my life.

Can You Imagine?

2011-09-15T10:08:00.001-04:00

I have never understood the importance of having children memorize battle dates. It seems like such a waste of mental energy. Instead, we could teach them important subjects such as How the Mind Works, How to Handle Finances, How to Invest Money for Financial Security, How to be a Parent, How to Create Good Relationships, and How to Create and Maintain Self-Esteem and Self-Worth. Can you imagine what a whole generation of adults would be like if they had been taught these subjects in school along with their regular curriculum?

—

Louise L. Hay

I want every day of my life to be one that was worth living.

2011-09-13T13:00:00.002-04:00

For my birthday, freaking 26, I got myself a lil bit closer to out of debt.... and a gym membership.

Because let's be honest - with health issues & a new(well really, it's no longer new, so that's a bad excuse) job (that does occupy a heck of a lot of my time), I have been a huge slacker on the exercise thing - and it's no good. I am not only healthier and better looking when I work out - I'm much happier. Since I work ridiculous hours unfortunately I didn't join the gym with the group classes which I thrive in - so I'll have to learn to thrive without groups, dancing in my head, to the possibilities of Planet Fitness's 24 hour awesomeness.

I can't believe in less than 24 hours I will be 26 years old. Will I wake up at 5am crying like every year since 18?

I hope not. I hope I wake up thinking "Yep, bitch's - watch out, Blair's here - I've dealt with the shit, so I'm ready to rock out with my cock out".

And yes I just said all of that on my blog. Aint no denying, Mormon or not, Blair uses curse words to define life ;).

Seriously. Life excites me. It could end at any moment, now, today, tomorrow, a year from now, or magically 100 years from now. Who knows - there's no certainties, but there's no use in stressing or being sorrowful.

I want every day of my life to be one that was worth living.

So, with that - my final message on my final day of 25? Blair, you're awesome. You learned a heck of a lot about yourself this year. You jumped through loops you didn't think were possible, dealt with things you never dreamed of having to do. You're a strong woman, and just as much as 2 years ago when you began this blog as now - hear yourself ROAR!

2011-09-07T22:28:00.000-04:00

Last night I met with the bishop.

In better, more positive uplifting news - I then got to go with the missionaries to sit in on a lesson they were teaching an investigator - I have never been on 'that side'. I've always been the investigator - and it was beautiful, and the spirit was so, so strong - and I loved every moment (That went by terribly too fast!).

Because of the bishop not being well - just because I'm Blair and I have my own trials and my own strengths - I felt very discouraged this morning. But I rememebered how one of the elders last night said before his mission he struggled with daily scripture reading,but he made his first goal just to read one verse a day. This morning that stood out - so even though I was running behind, I kneeled in prayer, and then 'randomly' flipped to a page in the book of mormon...

And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and ahappy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are bblessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it.

I wouldn't have the complete knowledge or faith I have with out the book of mormon. It doesn't add or take away from the bible, but it completes the heart, strengthens the spirit, and testifies of the same beautiful promises that the bible does, that we can return to be with our father in heaven should we live so worthily. ♥

And if your homesick, give me your hand and i'll hold it

2011-09-07T22:22:00.001-04:00

I'm not so sure what I did to deserve her.

And sometimes I think she wants to slap me - and sometimes I even offer up cheek (though I always draw back in fear!)

But I'm so, SO eternally grateful for this gal (& her hubby!) Seriously, Family. Defined.

(the fact that this is a horrendous picture of myself is besides the awkward-faced-point!)

Just days prior to meeting her, I was sobbing - wondering where in the universe she was. My soul knew her, my heart longed for her - and when we finally "met", my heart filled up, and within moments I knew she was the one I was so desperately longing for - my soul sister I kicked out of heaven 2 years in advanced! :)

Please just save me from this darkness

2011-09-03T11:04:00.000-04:00

And I don't know where to look

My words just break and melt

Please just save me from this darkness

2011-09-01T21:07:00.000-04:00

I look hopeful.

I look passionate.

I seem encouraged.

I have perfected a fakeness.

♥ Loving on ME! ♥

2011-09-01T12:34:00.002-04:00

I skip instead of walking... life's too short,
I may not have my body and health forever -
why plainly walk when
I can skip, hop, jump, twist, dance, or boogie.
Bonus Perk? Making others smile
along the way.
I get excited by wearing solid colors -
like a ninja, I love to wear all black -
and then break it up with some
(read: lots)
of funky, outloud, crazy
pieces of jewelry
that don't match each other.
I secretly desire to go to clown school.
I dance in the rain,
sing in the car with my windows down,
jump on my bed with my kids,
have pillow fights with friends,
curse when talking about positive things,
get overly excited,
like to hold hands with friends,
and to hug complete strangers.
I adore johnny cash♥
ella fitzgerald, frank sinatra,
the archies, and hanson.
i'll take a smoothie over ice cream,
paper & pen over a laptop.
I see art in the every day,
and remember the forgotten.
I love that every day of the week,
ends with a Y.
I believe in possibilities,
the gift of healing,
the ambition of change.
I thrive being outdoors,
and being around others.
My heart longs for communication,
conversation between souls.
I connect easily,
I fall too fast.
I honestly do hug trees,
but I also don't press any of my beliefs.
I am a cowgirl at heart,
but desperately afraid of horses.
But damn do I look killer in a cowboy hat and boots ♥
I set my mind to something: and I do it.
And I unrealistically expect the same from others.
I like action takers, not talk makers.
I know who I am,
I know what I want,
I know where I want to go,
and I'm doing it.
Step
By
Step.
I won't change for anyone,
I won't ever stop being me.
At the last breath,
at the final hour,
at the final moment,
I want my hands used up,
my body wrinkled up,
knowing I gave my all,
doing my best - striving for good.
(Don't forget at the party that will be
ultimate fun and uplifting,
that some mistakenly title
'funeral', to wear the crazy
ribbons and pieces of flare!)

The purpose in Gethsemane.

2011-08-26T11:37:00.002-04:00

In golden youth when seems the earth

A Summer-land of singing mirth,

When souls are glad and hearts are light,

And not a shadow lurks in sight,

We do not know it, but there lies

Somewhere veiled under evening skies

A garden which we all must see—

The garden of Gethsemane.

With joyous steps we go our ways,

Love lends a halo to our days;

Light sorrows sail like clouds afar,

We laugh, and say how strong we are.

We hurry on; and hurrying, go

Close to the border-land of woe,

That waits for you, and waits for me—

Forever waits Gethsemane.

Down shadowy lanes, across strange streams,

Bridged over by our broken dreams;

Behind the misty caps of years,

Beyond the great salt fount of tears,

The garden lies. Strive as you may,

You cannot miss it in your way.

All paths that have been, or shall be,

Pass somewhere through Gethsemane.

All those who journey, soon or late,

Must pass within the garden’s gate;

Must kneel alone in darkness there,

And battle with some fierce despair

God pity those who can not say,

“Not mine but thine,” who only pray,

“Let this cup pass,” and cannot see

The purpose in Gethsemane.

- Ella Wheeler Wilcox

2011-08-24T22:58:00.002-04:00

We all want to know, how it ends.

Oh, happily ever after, wouldn’t you know, wouldn’t you know.

Oh, skip to the ending, who’d like to know, I’d like to know.

Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?

We all have a story to tell.
Whether we whisper or yell.
.... do I end up happy?

2011-08-21T23:11:00.000-04:00

The other night I was reading my scriptures, when I came across D&C 6:22 & 23; which say:

22 Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might aknow concerning the truth of these things.
23 Did I not speak a peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater bwitness can you have than from God?

It spoke to my soul in such a 'hardcore' manner - because I am constantly one who looks for that 'big boom' - the big, in your face reminders of faith, beliefs, truthfulness - the ones that startle you in your way.

Since being baptized, I have struggled - extensively, with whether or not I made the right choice to choose the church, whether or not I made the decision too fast ( because 8 years was not enough time to study/ponder/pray?) And somewhere within me, something says if you knew without a doubt the church was true -would you even be struggiling with this?

Since joining the church I feel like the second I went under in the baptismal font and then released out - I lost the spirit. That I have revealed and aimed to become a different person - and in any way possible that is as far from who I truly desire to be, as possible.

I struggle with my past, I struggle with mistakes I've done. I struggle with not being where I want to be, thus I struggle with not progressing because I relish in mistakes I've made in the past. I met with the bishop soon after being baptized, and after the meeting I swore allegiance to never speak to him in any 'serious' manner, to avoid any callings/offerings/ideas/or anything else of that matter affiliated with him or church - because of something he said to me... I wanted so desperately to not take this man seriously; because of his lack of experience, because of his young age, blahblahblah - but the reality was, he knew what Heavenly Father wanted him to know - and I didn't want to accept that. I still go to church, but rarely to all the meetings, I've given way to temptations, avoided anything extracurricular relating to church outside of that Sunday morning 3 hour block.

The bishop, my bishop, looked at me and told me that he felt compelled to share with me, that I have been forgiven - and that I need to know that with my baptism, I was forgiven for the transgressions of my past, so I need to forgive myself.

How could this 'young', 'inexperienced', man know anything about me or my past - and more than that, why would he know what was my biggest trial & struggle? The one that wants to eat my inner most core- that wants to see me struggle and trial and not reap the blessings that Heavenly Father has intended for me.

I sometimes forget, in my over-excitement of the moment I'm in - whatever type of moment that may be (Good, bad, mundane, etc) - that there is a greater meaning and purpose to what that moment means. And that when I struggle; it's usually only a preparation for something greater to come. With every tribulation I have faced in my life - I have come out, stronger & more "Blair" like. And when looking back, I know that with each struggle, I have also been blessed. In fact, my biggest struggles in this life have always been preparatory for my greatest blessings.

Tonight I received confirmation, yet again, that the church is true. A reminder to restore my faith in the gospel, in my church, in where I've chosen to plant my feet. And it wasn't anything big, or great, or in-your-face. It wasn't one specific moment, thought, word spoken, prayer answered... but a collaboration of accepting the trials that have been placed before me ; being grateful for all that I currently have ; finding hope in what is in store for my future ; being reminded that there is something more than just 'this'; accepting that I can't just half-assed - put one foot in, but one foot out - and expect to be fully blessed. Accepting and fully understanding, that I must with my entirety give up of myself, relinquish what held me to my past, and fully feet-cemented-in, give of my self and my life - to receive the many blessings I have been promised.

And quietly in those collective moments, I re-gave myself to what I did on July 2nd, to what I did 8 years ago. Fully comprehending what choices I was making, and understanding what would have to change and become of me to fully give myself to the choice I was making. And with an understanding that the spirit doesn't always yell, shout, or shake us - but it's sometimes that 'still, small voice' that we have to be open to accepting, quiet enough to hear - I gave myself. I give myself.

Conversion... something we all have to do.

"You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life."

— Joel Osteen

Take from me my disbelief

2011-08-16T09:13:00.001-04:00

I made my slow way home

Limpin' on broken bones

Out of the thickest pine

Onto the county lines

Onto your wooden stairs

I know you can repair

I know you've seen the light

I know you'll get me right

Right

I own a sinner's heart

I know the rain falls hard

I know the currency

I know the things you'll need

I hope He hears my prayers

I see you cut your hair

I know the saving type

I know you get me right

Right

Oh Jesus, I've fallen

I don't mind the rain if

I meet my maker, I meet my maker clean,

but Jesus, the truth is

i've struggled so hard to believe

i'll meet my maker, i need my maker

To cure me of my doubting blood

And drain me of the sins i love

Take from me my disbelief

I know it should come easily

But it remains inside of me

It battles and devours me

It cuddles up beside of me

In whispers, it convinces me

I'm

Right

2011-08-11T09:35:00.000-04:00

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.

—

Louise Erdrich

from The Painted Drum

2011-08-07T22:08:00.000-04:00

Brightly beams is by far my favorite hymn, for many reasons...

And making missionaries sing hymns is one of my favorite things to do.

Thus, it only makes sense that prior to departure, I beg them to sing it to me!

2011-08-02T10:24:00.007-04:00

'Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune--without the words,

And never stops at all...'

Even if they want to take it all away...

even if life wants to throw tunnels to cave through,

mountains to climb,

and seemingly un-ending oceans to swim across...

I will not give up.

I will not stop hoping.

I am stronger.

I am not finished,

I am bound for more.

2011-08-01T07:43:00.003-04:00

Don’t worry about what the world needs.
Ask what makes you come alive and do that.
Because what the world needs are people
who have come alive.

– Howard Thurman

I want nothing more than to be simple.

2011-07-29T20:49:00.004-04:00

I like it simple.

I don't want riches, or glory, or fame. I don't want or need designer 'things', a fancysmancy car or house. I don't crave much, have inklings for many, or have a soul that thirsts for 'more'. In fact, my soul relishes in less, in the mere gifts of life.

I desire only to live a life that is built on happiness, peace, and good. I want to leave this world with hands dirty, hair a mess, feet that have walked - knowing that I was a good friend, a diligent worker, a loving mother, a truly caring person.

I want to live like those before me, who weren't afraid to give it all up - knowing that they would only gain by giving.

I want to be fearless - knowing that my life is one of heart and momento that if I were to pass at any moment, I would feel as though I completed my souls' purpose.

And that's why I have to do what is so essential, that now - more than ever - I dedicate myself and my life to it's purpose, and not bestowing it to the desires and wishes of others.

I must evenhandedly live as one, with one purpose, on my own journey, in my own ways, creating my own path.

With all the quirks, silliness, laughter, hope, dreams, passions, and people I crave to be among the path with me.

2011-07-26T09:50:00.002-04:00

“No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction,
[God] will never desert us.

He never has, and He never will.”

George Q. Cannon

I was going to write a post... but the quote seemed to more deeply remind and show what my words would fail to explain, my heart not express.

This too shall pass...

True religion is the life we lead, not the creed we profess. - Louis Nizer

2011-07-21T08:22:00.001-04:00

I will never be the person to tell someone else that if they don't believe as I do; they are doomed. Not that my faith teaches that - but more so, because I have very strong and personal convictions that feels that's not accurate. We're all here on this earth, with different paths... different trials, struggles, ease's, joys, tribulations, etc. Every individual deserves the right to be thoughtful and mindful to whether or not they chose to believe or accept one thing vs another - each thing.

Religion, personally speaking, to me is a very huge thing for one to outwardly accept. While I consider myself a true believing member of the LDS church; I also know that there are error's in mans ways...

What matters most to me, is that in my heart of hearts, I know that I have a loving father in heaven, who understands my struggles, who knows me individually, and who truly intervenes in my life. I aim to live a good, moral life, not because my religion tells me to - but because I want to please my father in heaven, and because I want to be a person who stands as grounded in good.

I think that every individual deserves the right to run after their dreams, and find their personal beliefs & morals; not be brainwashed by a society, a culture, family or friends, religion or threats. I have seen people of all different walks and paths of life find a greater purpose in meaning, living lives of beauty and true good. Atheists, Mormons, Holy Rolly Christians, Muslims, JDubs, UU's, etc.

I wish that each person that I knew could feel the love and peace that I have as a member of the LDS church; however I know that people find peace and G-d in their own ways - some choose to call G-d by another name, some choose to look in the mirror and be grateful for their own personal intervening power. And I'm okay with that... and I will always be okay with that. My love will never end for someone because our path's aren't identical. It's a matter of being on a journey to finding what you believe; and knowing that journey should never cease. You may get comfortable, but don't ever stop being open.

Your life is your life gotta live like it's your life

2011-07-20T17:39:00.000-04:00

Well he used to be somebody

And now he's someone else

Took apart his old life

Left it on the shelf

Sick of being someone

He did not admire

Took up all his old things

Set em all on fire

He's gonna change

Gonna change his ways

Gonna change

Gonna change his ways

And it feels like his new life can start

And it feels like heaven

Left his house at midnight

Resolute and young

In search of something greater

Than the person he'd become

Threw his bags on to the back

Of his run down eighties car

Headed out to god knows where

The distance is too far

He's gonna change

Gonna change his ways

Gonna change

Gonna change his ways

And it feels like his new life can start

And it feels like heaven

And it feels like his new life can start

And it feels like heaven

(Your life is your life gotta live like it's your life)

And it feels like his new life can start

And it feels like heaven

And it feels like his new life can start

And it feels like heaven

“No. I didn’t stop to think. I just jumped. It was an instinct.. I needed to save her.”

2011-07-18T16:47:00.002-04:00

This is a homeless guy who lives on a bridge in Dublin City. Last week his rabbit was grabbed from him and thrown into the river below.. the River Liffey. Which is one of the most horrible rivers in Ireland. The currents are really strong and it’s filthy.. Anyway, as soon as the rabbit hit the water this guy was already hurdling off the bridge and towards the freezing river to save her. After hitting the water and successfully locating her, he proceeding to pump air back into her, making her regain consciousness and basically come back to life. I was talking to him today along with another woman and she asked “Why in the name of God did you jump into the water? Did you not think about it?!” and straight away he replied with “No. I didn’t stop to think. I just jumped. It was an instinct.. I needed to save her.”

A loving father in heaven

2011-07-12T07:36:00.003-04:00

I am grateful that I have the desires to grow and do good, even when I feel as though those things aren't actually happening. That when I'm low and emo, that I have desires for better things - that instead of sulking in my misery, I crave the better thus motivating myself to do what is right so that I can achieve those things.

It's so easy to get trapped in to the insecurities of this world: not pretty enough, not thin enough, don't make enough money, failed marriage, failed womanly roles, blah blah blah etc etc... but I know that I have a greater purpose, even if it doesn't always make sense. I have a hope and desire to continually strive to reach that greater purpose.

When I am in a low place, I'm not too ashamed to ask in prayer that I can be moved beyond this spot. Instead of struggling, I turn to my scriptures and every time am inspired and encouraged; I am uplifted and loved. I get down on my knees and admit my struggles, I admit in great honesty that which I am feeling and wish I could feel; and though there's not always an immediate 'change', the spirit greatly scoops me up, and says it will be okay. And that small reassurance provides hope enough to make it through the day's trials and tribulations.

I'm not perfect; I won't ever be perfect. I have my own struggles, temptations, and weaknesses. But by choosing to do what is right, and returning to the path again and again when I've fallen off; I have been and am being blessed greatly. There is not a doubt in my mind that I am on the right path; nor is there a doubt that I don't have a father in heaven who loves and supports me.

Dad, I miss you.

I can't believe it's been nearly 8 years since you left us.

Happy Birthday.

2011-07-09T09:59:00.000-04:00

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but the rising every time we fall.

-Nelson Mandela

2011-07-08T00:43:00.001-04:00

I'm looking through you

Where did you go

I thought I knew you

What did I know

You don't look different

But you have changed

I'm looking through you

You're not the same

Your lips are moving

I cannot hear

You voice is soothing

But the words aren't clear

You don't sound different

I've learned the game

I'm looking through you

You're not the same

Why, tell me why

Did you not treat me right

Love has a nasty habit

Of disappearing overnight

You're thinking of me

The same old way

You were above me

But not today

The only difference

Is you're down there

I'm looking though you

And you're nowhere

Why, tell me why

Did you not treat me right

Love has a nasty habit

Of disappearing overnight

I'm looking through you

Where did you go

I thought I knew you

What did I know

You don't look different

But you have changed

I'm looking through you

You're not the same

Yeah, Oh, baby you've changed

Aah, I'm looking through you

Yeah, I'm looking through you

You've changed, you've changed

Punching the heck outta fear...

2011-07-06T22:18:00.000-04:00

When I was 15 (nearly 11 years ago), I was trying to open nail polish and instead it busted open, the glass cutting my hand very deeply, and scaring it pretty bad. This morning as I was driving to work, I looked down and noticed the scar on my hand... It's big, people often ask what it is. I foolishly sometimes hate that people see it/ask about it/etc, because I feel as though they assume it's the same reasons for 'those scars' which it's not.

Anyhow, it made me think (because I have an awesomely random thought process) about how to this day I'm scared to try and open nail polish, how if I have to 'force' a little bit I am too scared and will have someone else open it for me... It made me then think about how what other things I am potentially doing with my life because of a bad experience I've had in the past... a failed attempt... What am I preventing myself from becoming, amounting to, overcoming?

I have to not be scared of something, fearful that I will fail, because I once failed... because the glass once broke... because I once was not perfect. Things that have held me back in fear... something as stupid as breaking nail polish open... for 11+ years.

We must be strong, accept our defeats, but learn that we can overcome and do more. We have the power to create anything we want, should we only chose to accept it and run for it.

"We are still masters of our fate. We are still captains of our souls. "

– Winston Churchill

Baptism Blar Style

2011-07-04T12:36:00.000-04:00

"And as far as I am aware... the pool didn't burst into flames. And after 8 years (which a friend of mine so kindly pointed out to me turned over actually represents eternity, so this time my commitment to the church will be eternal) on Saturday I was baptized and confirmed a member of this beautiful church, into this beautiful gospel. I can't wait for July 2012 when I can prepare to goto temple, and in the mean time to do baptisms. I thank each of you in your own way for showing your kind compassion during my journey; most of you had no idea what journey I was on, or what challenges I have faced with family and health struggles in my life and yet you've still managed to show such loving kindness to me every Sunday. Thank you. "

(part of my testimony I bore during fast & testimony meeting, yesterday).

2011-07-01T17:36:00.000-04:00

.

But out of the darkness, I came the farthest,
Among the hardest survival.
Learn from these streets, it can be bleak,
Accept no defeat, surrender retreat,

So we struggling, fighting to eat and
We wondering when we'll be free,
So we patiently wait, for that fateful day,
It's not far away, so for now we say

When I get older, I will be stronger,
They'll call me freedom, just like a Waving Flag,
And then it goes back, and then it goes back,
And then it goes back

A letter to the future me's

2011-06-30T21:44:00.000-04:00

I wrote this letter two days before I turned 18, about feelings I had felt about the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints, that I had been baptized into on August 23,2003.

Every day, of every year, not a day has passed that I didn't somewhere, somehow bring up the topic of 'mormons' or religion. Whether in hate, despite, love, or any other plethora of emotions.
I share with you a nearly 8 year old letter... that ironically holds great beauty and truth still today.

Future, whether you be my great grandchild, or my 2nd cousins nieces daughters boyfriend, or whether you are my own children or husband. I pray that you know the truth. That you know of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, that you are an active member, an that you not only believe these things, but LIVE them. If you have read this whole journal, you know how disgusting my past has been, and this is only a small portion of it. However, Faith in Jesus, the Christ, changes everyone, it changed me. I still sin, I am human therefore I will always sin, however I am drawn closer to the Lord, and have the Holy Spirit with me now. On August 23,2003 I was baptized, and on the 24th confirmed a member of the church and received the gift of the Holy Spirit. If you ever run into any LDS members with the last names Allen or Jackson, thank them, with your everything because it is because of there ancestors that I am able to write to you of these things, an bare my testimony.
I know that this church is the only true church today, and it is is because of Joseph Smith that we have been able to have the book of Mormon, and other scriptures. I know that acceptance of Jesus Christ, and living & striving to be like Him, truly changes people. I know that we need to read the scriptures daily, and pray constantly to have the Holy Spirit with us. I Know that harder we work at these things, the more we will please our Heavenly Father. And I know in the end, there will be no end! We will be given the chance to live forever with our Heavenly Father, his Son, and the spirit, and most importantly our families. I know that we must go amongst our nations, of all them, and teach these things, so they too can be given the opportunity , that I myself have been given. That we should find our family genealogy, so those who were before us and didn't receive this truly wonderful gift, can.
I know that each day we are to be our own missionaries, not just for 2 years. We are to do this by reading the scriptures, and speaking of our faith to non members, and to draw those nonmembers in. We have been given the wonderful gift of Jesus Christ, and we must share it with all the world!!
I pray with all my heart that you know these things, and that you are able to have wonderful people in your life who help to strengthen you, like I have. I know that your fellow ward members, truly are your brothers & sisters, and you should do all you can to help them when they are in need.
I hope that you are able to go on missions, must more importantly that you live your life as a missionary, not just for 2 years. I pray that you have a loving family, and spend time with them and become close with them. I pray that you are able to make this decision on your own, even if it maybe not be at 8, but before you leave this earth. I pray that you take the time to help those who are less fortunate, and with a loving heart, not because you have to. I pray that you have the Holy Spirit among you at all times, but more importantly when you are the weakest. And When you feel tempted to sin, or fall short of Christ's glory, I pray that you repent, even if you don't do it, and that you ask for his guidance at all times.. Ask and you shall receive
Jesus Christ is our brother, as well as Lucifer, but I pray that you are not tempted by Satan's ways, or blinded by his unholiness.
Life will always work out, even when it seems it won't, as long as you keep your faith. Faith will guide you the rest of your earthly life, and I pray that you are able to accept that. I hope you have WONDERFUL Christ like friends, who are there for you always, and that you are able to share this truth with children of your own, and be G-dly parents unto them.
I pray that your faith will be doubtless, but if tested, always becoming stronger in the end. I Hope that you are talented, and have hobbies and interests. Whether it be with music, or sports, or collecting stamps! Whatever it may be, I pray that you know our Heavenly Father gives us all of our talents and interests, and we should be eternally grateful. That for as much time you spend doing the things you love, you spend double doing things of G-d, for our Heavenly Father give up his love & first born son, Jesus Christ, for us and we must sacrifice for Him as well. I hope that your heart be continuously desiring to know more & more about Christ, and our eternal Father. I pray so many things for you! I DO say these things are true, that Jesus Christ is the son of G-d, given to us so we can be forgiven of our sins, that Joseph Smith was once a prophet and a man of G-d, and that this church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints, is the only true church of Jesus. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, the son of G-d, Amen.

Blair Pettrey

2011-06-26T22:16:00.004-04:00

I think life,
aka the (wo)Man/en
aka the universe
aka my self
laughs at me.

Okay, really I think it laughs at me a heck of a lot.

Because 'it' throws me signs.
OVER.
AND.
OVER.

Big
and
SMALL.
The BAMB! in front of your face type of signs.

And silly me,
I of course am stubborn.

Hard Headed.
Ridiculous, perhaps?
Okay, really,
I admit it.
I'm ridiculous.
and I ignore it.

And then continue to beg for
these signs.
And make plea's and offer's and
cry tear's that could flood the desert Sahara.

All the while if I just opened,
my damn
eyes
I'd have what I ~~wanted~~ needed
right in front
of
me.

The Peace Pilgrim

2011-06-22T18:39:00.003-04:00

What if we all were a little bit more like Mildred Norman? I’m not proclaiming everyone in the world set out to walk 25,000 miles (though I’m sure it would do many of us a lot of good… ). That being said however, what a beautiful example of following our hearts and proclaiming our beliefs in a positive, healthy way.

If you’re not sure who Mildred Norman is, she was a woman who set on a journey to walk for peace. “She vowed to "remain a wanderer until mankind has learned the way of peace, walking until given shelter and fasting until given food." In the course of her 28 year pilgrimage she touched the hearts, minds, and lives of thousands of individuals all across North America. Her message was both simple and profound. It continues to inspire people all over the world.”

I think about all that I want to accomplish; the simple, the big – and how much I simply want to teach others that peace is possible; love is here for us to accept; we can live a life of true health and true awareness.

I am committed to giving myself to a life of peace: in my work, in my associations, in my play. A life of abundance gained by simplicity, a heart full by giving of myself.

“One little person, giving all of her time to peace, makes news. Many people, giving some of their time, can make history.”

- Mildred Lisette Norman

2011-06-19T23:54:00.000-04:00

2011-06-18T22:50:00.004-04:00

Guys, I'm (beyond) obviously not perfect.

In fact, I seem to be a fancy mirage of mistake after mistake.

Throw in a couple life lessons learned through the mistakes,

but then perhaps repeating mistakes because of stupid life habits we seem to make so easily;

and you seem to have the imperfect ~~Blair~~ me.

But truly, this is who i am.

Imperfect.

Going through struggles.

Feeling like I'm alone.

(but knowing I'm actually not).

I'm emo. I'm uppity.

I go back and forth.

I can't make conclusions,

I'm massively indecisive.

I don't know why people are fascinated by me.

Because fuck it, I don't even know who me is right now.

But a handful of people in this world,

stop.

To Get It.

To Get Me.

And I'm Grateful
Because it reminds me, I am truly fucking incredible.

Somewhere within me

lies the person that sometimes

I so rarely allow myself to

open up to others

and allow them to see.

And though I may write of my sorrow,

or my hardships,

or whatever bullshit thing I figure out to complain about,

I know that I have a heart full of love,

that's overwhemlingly wanting to be shared.

That one day will be accepted.

I know that I want to do great things,

not to make a name for myself,

but for the sanctity that others deserve great things.

I deserve great things too.

Everyone deserves to be loved,

to be cared about,

to have a friend to run to,

a lover to love abundantly,

a journey to aim for,

a destiny to believe in.

This just happens to mine,

and as a friend once told me,

life's not just about the sunshine,

it's about the rain.

It's about finding the meaning in the good,

and the bad,

The Easy

and the

hard.

And for some reason, this song
really really makes me want to dance
and give hugs :

2011-06-15T09:31:00.000-04:00

2011-06-14T11:26:00.000-04:00

Ya'll, I know this world is far from perfect.

I am not the type to mistake a streetlight for the moon.

I know our wounds are deep as the Atlantic.

But every ocean has a shoreline

and every shoreline has a tide

that is constantly returning

to wake the songbirds in our hands,

to wake the music in our bones,

to place one fearless kiss on the mouth of that brave river

that has to run through the center of our hearts

to find its way home.

2011-06-13T23:24:00.000-04:00

The Strong Facade

2011-06-13T23:21:00.003-04:00

Never been so scared... Never been so alone.

Never wanted to avoid reality as much as I do right now.

Never have I wanted to run so far away, so fast;

and never look back.

The thoughts haunting me, the fears overwhelming me.

But 'I am Blair', so the facade shows well.

A glass covering of happiness, and strength.

Scared of possibilities. Scared of statistics. Scared of actualities. Scared of symptoms.

Angry at the reality. Angry at my body. Angry at myself.

Broken self trust. Broken belief systems. Broken hopes.

I am a walking hypocrite;

for what I claimed was true,

presented before me,

so evidently not true.

My body failed me.

Anxiety thinking of the what if's.

Fearful of the unknowns.

Selfishly wishing this wasn't me.

That this battle wasn't mine.

Especially not alone.

Courage escapes me.

Timidness defines me.

Heart broken.

Soul crushed.

Which will kill me first?

A battle of my body,

or the battle of my lonely heart.

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

2011-06-12T23:20:00.002-04:00

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

Leo Buscaglia

Thank You.

Being Lost only has meaning when contrasted with knowing where you are.

2011-06-12T21:01:00.000-04:00

Lost and Found

by David Hollies

The first few times

Being lost was frightening

Stark, pregnant

With the drama of change

Then, I didn't know

That everywhere is nowhere

Like the feeling when a ocean wave

Boils you in the sand

But as time goes by

Each occurrence of lostness is quieter

Falling from notice

Like the sound of trains

When you live near the tracks

Until one day

When a friend asks

"How often do you get lost?"

And I strain to recall a single instance

It was then that I realized

Being lost only has meaning

When contrasted with

Knowing where you are

A presumption that slipped out of my life

As quietly as smoke up a chimney

For now I live in a less anchored place

Where being lost is irrelevant

For now, only when there is a need

Do I discover where I am

No alarm, no fear

Just an unconscious check-in

Like glancing in the rear-view mirror.

Mumford and Sons

2011-06-12T05:41:00.000-04:00

Thursday was a hyped up day for many, many months. One I was deeply looking forward to, and more so needing for the uplifting of my soul. Of course, everything under the sun then had to go wrong. 2 days prior to the concert a friend that was supposed to be coming with tells me they don't want to go.... okay..... Then, my cell phone is my alarm clock; and apparently in the midst of the night sometime I unplugged my phone, so it died, so my alarm didn't go off. Overslept? Check. I wake up in -just- the amount of time to get ready and rush out the door to a doctors appointment that's 75 minutes away from my house. Stop and go traffic insanity on route 29, car accident because I Freaking Sneezed going 7-10mph? Check! Hitting a freaking porche? Check! I get to the doctor's appointment do some basic testings, hear some awful f'ing news incredibly too fast because of the incredibly too drastic realities. Oh well, boo hoo, a bad appointment - I will suffice (at least I will mope starting tomorrow, nothing will destroy my day!) Then I get the pharmacy, and leave and realize after leaving 15 minutes away that they only give me 6 of 60 pills. Fug. Too late now, I think to myself I will have to pick up later. I wasn't supposed to be going into work that day, but the gal's position I took over... in a matter of words... left me in a huge mess to pick up and clean, and taking off just wasn't an option. I thought I would go in for a few hours to get shit done. But I realize that I forgot my tickets at home (75 minutes away), so I have to drive all the way home to get said tickets to drive back to work (only 50 minutes thankfully). I get to work at determined to leave by 4. 6:30 roll's around, and Lindsey is stuck in insane traffic because the Baltimore harbor tunnel was closed down to one way traffic. We FINALLY get to the damn concert by 7ish; grab a drink sit down relax for split moment when it not just rains, it freaking POURS and painful stabbing rain... no wait, that's HAIL. Yeah, talk about sucktastic!

But even among it all, I had such an amazing incredible time and am so grateful! It was the night (eventually) that I needed and my soul craved so badly; especially after the heartbreaking news in the morning. Lawn seats? For the freaking win! Scoring free drinks from hot guys? Win. Dancing and talking with soooo many people? Awesomely for the freaking win! Eating gross fried foods at 2am? For the win. Having to wake up at 6AM after getting only 3 hours of sleep? Even freaking better!

Oh Linds, How I love thee. The last time we went to a show together was Atari's/Warped tour, 9 years ago!!! Here's to many, many more . :)

After the freaking hailstorm of the century.

2 AM food run to Denny's.

Creepy Girl with a hotdog...

Lovely Bff.

(p.s. video was going to be included, but I apparently said something entirely (read: woahhhh) inappropriate in every single one, so....)

(p.p.s. Lindsey, I'm sorry for spraining your knee....)

2011-06-06T22:49:00.002-04:00

I am going to try my hardest to convey my point; but I warn all upfront that I am going to struggle with conveying my point...

That being said:

You know that group of kids in high school - whoever they may be. The kind-of nerdy, but 'wished they were cool' but never actually 'fit' into the 'cool kid group'. That then grow up, and still are the 'kind of nerdy' but now have degrees or life experiences under their belt that though they would never actually 'brag' about persay; they allow it to make themselves think more highly of themselves than others. But truly they are the same people they once were (aren't we all?) - "Nerdy Posers".

And yet somehow, we found ourselves on the outside of this group - or any group: the jocks, the punks, the hippies, the preps (And all the other million labels we can impose on individuals)... and we wish terribly that we could just be accepted INTO the group. But really, we don't want to be accepted into the group; we just want acceptance.

I am finding myself in that place.. the place where truly I do not care or desire these people. In fact there's plenty I dislike about the individuals in the group; and yet I, Blair, am finding myself wanting to do things to please the 'cool kid group' so that I can be 'accepted'.

This is really unlike myself. I've always been the one who got along with everyone, but never fit into any one circle nor did I have the desire to. Though I had short spikey blue hair and wore spikes and plaid, I was heavily involved with student government, tried out for cheer-leading, played in the orchestra, hung out with the punkrockers on Friday nights, went to church ministries on Saturday nights, and on Sunday's you would find me volunteering at a nursing home or with hospice. It's just always been my character to be myself and though I may have not always known who I was: I knew that I was worth loving.

So why in the world now am I suddenly wanting so badly to be accepted? Perhaps it's the lack of social navigation I have going on currently, the lack of friendships I have developed in years past when normally I would have a dozen of close friends, and a million more strong acquittance's at my 'disposal'. Why do I desire so badly to be liked by people that I feel are cold, bitter and entirely fake? Of course my perception could be entirely wrong, but at the same time it's my perception and if that's how I see one, then that's reality for me.

On this note, I would like to thank those individuals in my life who accepted me into their circles, even if I wasn't the perfect member. I have a rocking soulfriend and really fetching-ly awesome co-workers who have been my rock and support the past few weeks, often without even knowing it.

2011-06-05T20:12:00.001-04:00

Fell in love with this song over 5 years ago, and somehow it means even more to my heart today than the meaning it once had..

2011-06-05T20:10:00.001-04:00

"You know how I did it? This is how I did it, Anton:

I never saved anything for the swim back..."

Today, as I went for my 'Sunday long run' (which actually seems to be progressively getting shorter...) I was scared of trailing from that which I know very much, because on Friday's run I ended up very very lost in 'my town' and ended up expelling way too much energy in the beginning not realizing I was going to be running so far, and at the end, was crying in miserable knee pain.

As I went on this road called Shookstown Rd, that seems needlessly un-ending; and even more so, it's an unending uphill battle towards a 'mountain'. I guess I didn't realize this when running it, because I was full of adrenaline, but when I finally turned around because I knew that I didn't want to be running 5 miles uphill, to have to only turn around and run 5 more (even if downhill)... well, when I turned around I realized "oh wow, I'm on a 'mountain', oh wow there's a valley in Frederick..." etc etc - it for a split moment reminded me of Utah, and looking down on the valley from the top of Capitol Hill where I used to live; or from the UofU's campus, or from the many places where you could hike/walk/drive/etc to see atop mountains to see the valley's below. I got homesick for Utah for a split second; but I then had this 'a HA!' moment - which I seem to have all too often, and yet not often enough - where I decided I was going to swim, without saving anything for the swim back.

I was going to swim, into my 'new life', into the Valley of Frederick, Md. I was going to exert all my energies into becoming the person I crave so much to be, that I don't have any energy left to look back on who I once was and regret. That I have no energy left to wish for my broken heart to be healed by past love. I was going to exert all my energies into my life yet to be...

And here, I stand swimming. The race just begun; with no ending in sight.

A Gift

2011-05-30T16:54:00.004-04:00

You tell me I'm a walking contradiction,
that my body defers me from the thoughts of my mind.
My mouth is just a bowl full of lies.
But here, in this moment, if I promised the truth
would you really stop to hear the words of my youth?

Cause realities aren't easily apprehended
And I promise you this is one of them
That in the very moment I saw you, the earth stood.
Everything left me, no longer knowing the meaning of heartache.
Life's detriments buried deep in the wake.

Are you listening my friend?
Do you hear the words that soar from my lips?
Like the dove that once knew how to fly
gracefully, like a child staring up into the sky
That then got shot down by the man with a gun
and never thought she'd reach above.

You came into my world, unknowingly a tornado.
Destroying all that was built upon these false halos.
Leaving nothing but an empty dark tunnel,
but with promises I’d never have to crawl through it alone.
Suddenly okaying all the windblown.

How can something so extraordinary be so wrong
Where was I when you walked along.
Take my awkward words and silence them
Trust my heart that it's been widened.
Open for the moment that you would've allowed me to hide in.

Unbeknownst that I could never have this,
oh the sorrows that I crave to be measureless
The dove gaining her pride and strength again
learning to soar through the sky, no longer a freshman
not afraid of the man or his frightful deathblow
but trusting in hope for a strengthened tomorrow.

This is where I say my afflicting goodbyes
and thank you for all the beautiful moonrise
A beauty that I feared would never be known
Anxiously awaiting my deaths deep silenced tone
yet now with a heart opened, allowing to be shown.

A suffering filled with great anguish,
wishing to tell you, you deserve only to be cherished,
and repay you for all the madness reverted
with words that are easier typed then sown.
A voice once warned ridden, grown.

An inclination known for the best
that I must give to you, my heart's lovely guest.
Not easily awakened, with hopes of conceiving.
The ending to the novelette so well acquainted.
A gift of avoidance; the scandal blighted.

“The universe is wider than our views of it." - Thoreau

2011-05-29T23:32:00.001-04:00

Tonight something I've pleaded to feel for the past several years; overcame me. There was great beauty in knowing that I wasn't forgotten. In making right choices and allowing myself to feel the absolute however; when choosing to go down the wrong path - the awareness is much, MUCH stronger and more real than when your whole path is destructive.

Because of poor decisions that I consciously chose to make - a heavy, near unbearable, burden of guilt and heartache overcame me. Something so strong, so deep rooted of the adversary, my mind began to soar... tears fell like puddles from my eyes - something I haven't been able to do, in a long while. I was broken, temporarily, to be reminded of the beauty in what I have gained recently.

Amidst that temporary pain and sorrow that was so great - my mind immediately began to race... trying to find these coping mechanisms that I had claimed to have learned so that I would not revert to poor behaviors from my past. But I couldn't. I searched high and low through the empty hallways of my brain. All I could think about was the said destructive behaviors... I craved so baldy to give in. To feel the pain on the outside to reflect the inner turmoil I was feeling inside.

But then I remembered a beautiful, uplifting promise that I have been given. And that though there was heartache because of decisions I chose to make, something greater had been given and revealed to me amidst all this sorrow. And with tears streaming down my face, on my floor - in my apartment alone... no friend or family to help me; merely me against the world -

I accepted the promise.

2011-05-29T21:49:00.001-04:00

I wish I could hug each of these kids - and say I was once there... and though life is never going to be easy; it does get easier. We find purpose and meaning - and I can promise you that through the struggles; there is a reason to stay strong and hang on.

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

2011-05-28T13:25:00.003-04:00

It’s so easy when things aren’t in your face, to ignore realities and remember only the good. It’s that whole part of me that heroize’s people and situations, when really while I don’t need to demonize people or situations – there is good and bad to individuals, and I need to remember that. More than that, there is good and bad that can be brought out in people when they are placed amongst specific people, in specific circumstances, etc.

I was speaking with a friend the other day, and something they said just lit up my whole heart – because it’s something I ‘crave’ to believe, to feel – and yet I (foolishly) felt jealous… why did this person get to feel such a thing for the world. We were discussing people that we found attractive and I made some off comment about a type of person that normally one may not find ‘attractive’; and my friend brought up how they actually thought all people had some type of beauty in them.

It’s not that my friend didn’t deserve to think this – of course this is an attribute I wish all COULD have. But I was jealous that in the deep of their everbeing; they truly meant it. And while I aim to look for that beauty in all, I sometimes (often) fall short. I struggle with emotions blinding me – experience blinding me – physical and/or mental attributes blinding me.

Where the beginning of my entry and the middle correlate – is that amongst the good and bad in people; the beautiful and the ugly, the pride and humble – my friend finds beauty. And that in and of it’s self; is quite beautiful.

You decide to see.... equals

2011-05-19T20:06:00.000-04:00

Your enemies = your teachers.

Your failure = your wisdom.

Your mistakes = your lucky discoveries.

Your conflicts = your growth opportunities.

Your undesired endings = your desirable beginnings.

Your grapes of wrath = your raisons d’etre.

Your painful feelings = your proud proof that you are dealing with your feelings—head on!

2011-05-17T22:08:00.003-04:00

"Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow." - Dan Rather

Let me tell you; I could write the bible of fear right now.

Yet, I look forward to one day being able to write the book on how I survived.

Though perhaps defaming (though I don’t mean for it to be) one of my favorite things about myself – is that whilst I may question my strength; my strength always out proves my thoughts. The shield I wear is always stronger than I think it to be.

I somehow bear the pain, the disappointment, the sorrows, etc: because somewhere within me I know that the joy, love, and truth always prevail in the end.

Bliss: Perfect happiness; great joy.

2011-05-13T22:22:00.002-04:00

When I was in Utah, I looked for places to move online. I found a reasonably placed neighborhood, that appeared 'cute' in the photos we saw. I had mentioned the area to my mother, and immediately she said "OH GOSH I HOPE IT's NOT PIONEER CITY ALL MY STUDENTS WOULD ALWAYS TALK ABOUT THE GANGS AND WHATNOT"... Great, mom.

I got here; and it was good ol' Pioneer City. Where theres cops strolling the streets every 5minutes at least, usually parked waiting for drama to go down. There's hoodlums who roam the street, too many kids with parents who don't watch them (hello neighbor mom Blair), etc. And even still - I found bliss. I found bliss!

I've gotten close to MANY of my neighbors; most of whom I probably thought I would never have interacted with. They come from many different backgrounds - multitudes of stories, multitudes of hardships, multitudes of good and bad, etc.

I've moved from Maryland to Utah, from city to city whilst in Utah, and then from Utah to Maryland. And for the first time I'm so torn over moving. I'm excited to move to a new place, to meet new people, to be a-fresh, to start a-new (not that I really have anything to start a-new with other than the obvious). To be in a place I've never known, (not that I knew Severn, but I grew up in this county). I'm still near my family and close enough to my past 'friends'; and yet I'm going to an entirely new kicking ground ☺!

What I'm getting at however, is how amazingly heartbroken I am to leave my neighbors. They weren't just my neighbors, they became my friends. People I would run outside when I saw them, so that I could talk to them. I would 'check my mail' just hoping they would stop me and start chatting. Neighbors I would bake for every holiday, just to give them something to smile and laugh at. Neighbors who would jokingly call me 'Snowflake' and teach (Destroy!) me things I never thought I would learn (or need to know ha!).

And then there's the beautiful lady across the way, who quickly became one of my bestfriends whether she knew it or not. The type of gal who I never thought as an "atheist, treehugging, hippie, sun-yoga worshiping, liberal, loud and obnoxious" would befriend. She being the 'conservative, Jesus loving Christian, calm shy and reserved woman of virtue!". One who I grew close and comfortable with, like a friend I've craved for so long. We laughed at our insecurities, we shared our sorrows. And never once did I feel her judging me. She always had something positive to say to me, about me - about my downfalls or trials. A family who entrusted me - and believed in me; and wanted nothing but the absolute best for me! I'll terribly miss seeing her every day, and her beautiful family, the absolute mostest.

Here's to moving on with my life, my future. Allowing good to overflow me and surround myself with new opportunity for success and love. But not without a softened heart and deep gratitude for those I met whilst living in good ol' Pioneer City!

"The connections we make in the course of a life--maybe that's what heaven is."

— Fred Rogers

2011-05-11T21:01:00.000-04:00

Remember when our songs were just like prayer
Like gospel hymns that you called in the air
Come down, come down sweet reverence
Unto my simple house and ring... and ring

Ring like silver, ring like gold
Ring out those ghosts on the Ohio
Ring like clear day wedding bells
Were we the belly of the beast, or the sword that fell?
We'll never tell

Come to me, clear and cold
On some sea
Watch the world spinning waves
Like that machine

Now I've been crazy, couldn't you tell?
I threw stones at the stars, but the whole sky fell
Now I'm covered up in straw, belly up on the table
Well I drank and sang, and I passed in the stable

That tall grass grows high and brown
Well I dragged you straight in the muddy ground
And you sent me back to where I roam
Well I cursed and I cried, but now I know
Now I know

And I ran back to that hollow again
The moon was just a sliver back then
And I ached for my heart like some tin man
When it came, oh it beat and it boiled and it rang
Oh, it's ringing

Ring like crazy, ring like hell
Turn me back into that wild haired gale
Ring like silver, ring like gold
Turn these diamonds straight back into coal
Turn these diamonds straight back into coal

Hell yes I'm a firework (And so are you!)

2011-05-09T18:24:00.001-04:00

(Driving down the road, feelings of happiness, content, and trust overflowing my heart.)

I have been blessed with a great heart, great goals for myself, great passions and desires, great hopes for my future, great belief in my strength for today. Great friendships, great family, great clients, great neighbors (though I'm about to move..., I trust I'll have great neighbors again!).

When we put our entire truth and faith into the universe - wonderful things happen, the best being that the universe will put it's trust in you - and bless you tremendously with opportunity, overflowing love to surround and uplift you, blessings that surpass any expectations you could have ever set or hoped for.

I am so humbly gracious for the amazing power of communication - it's amazing what an 'a ha!' moment can do for my esteem, my confidence, my assurance - and more than that, an overwhelmingly beautiful awakening to the world that was waiting for me -
I was just too shy to accept.

"Et tu, Brute?"

2011-05-08T23:06:00.002-04:00

I was foolish to ever think that you wouldn't stab me in the back as well.

On being a bad you.

2011-05-05T16:01:00.002-04:00

I've really been hurting a friend, whose done nothing but try to be supportive and encouraging of me. I've hurt them for my selfish desire. What an awful thing to do to someone - and yet they still stand beside me, and I don't understand. I sit and think of what I've ACTUALLY done, I ponder what's ACTUALLY occurring - I remove the rose colored glasses and wake the hell up, and realize.... And the guilt pours over me. The beauty of this friend is that they don't blame me, though they easily could.

The reality is, I don't like the person I am right now. I always say how I have no idea who I am - well I do know that I don't like who I am being, and that needs change, NOW. I have to remove the 'mindful subluxations', the things that are destroying me mentally as well as physically - so that I can achieve and become the optimum person I am intended to be.

I'm so fucking ready, I'm READY. It's not talk, it's not glistening, it's not ignoring the reality of my circumstances or beautifying something ugly - I'm talking real, powerful, CHANGE for me. For my life. For the sake of myself. For the sake of my family. For the sake of my friends. For the sake of the world I live in. Because I know that I am here for a purpose, and at 25 I say hell yes I'm ready to serve that purpose.

I am on fire with power and truth, and am ready to share that with the world.

On being strong...

2011-05-03T09:32:00.006-04:00

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