I walked away from my oldest daughter's softball game tonight - so proud of her.
Dang - she's amazing.
I worry about her though, I hope I don't have to. I never thought I would have to - and now, unfortunately, I wonder if her tender heart may have been so overshadowed by others needs(who are still are in just as much need and pain still), that she's struggling so much now.
But yet she's caught between trying so hard to be the strength of the world for others and being just a kid who never got a chance to be a kid. I've seen that pain in others, and it worries me that I am starting to see it in her. My heart aches that I am the reason.. the cause.
But I can't blame myself.
I mean...I can. But I have to somehow forgive myself and somehow do what I can to seek to get my children the help and assurance, security, and life that they can have and deserve, despite the mistakes that I made.
That's all I can do today.
If anything were to anything happen to me today - I hope they would know that I tried to do what I could to change their tomorrow - and I am sorry.
Brooks -that means you too.
I'm not perfect - I"m the product of my own upbringing. Parents suck man. You would have thought after however many hundreds of years - evolution would have figured out how to perfect parenting. Ha.
Instead, all I know how to do is work a billion hours - and be a single mom, who has to work a billion hours - which means seeing my children is a commodity that is a rarity Man the luxury of mothers who don't know that struggle or heartache.
What I came to write about what this;
4 years ago today I was supposed to marry someone - but that doesn't matter, because I'm so far removed from that situation, I have no words for it anymore.
Addy - this song by Avril is pretty cool - it's new, and I think it would speak to you:
Go down into the river and let it run
And wash away all the things you’ve done Forgiveness alright