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We all probably listened to Five Iron Frenzy and Jars of Clay growing up - and went to Creation - and get it.

In December 2014, I wrote a post. 
In it - I shared how much I wanted to give up.
To be honest, really honest, I don't even recall what I was going through at the time.
(And that alone is a hopeful reminder, that despite our current situations - eventually, we overcome them - and surpass all).

I digress.

I used to be really amazing at this thing called going to church.
My 2 oldest children - no matter my circumstances - never spent a Sunday with me where they didn't attend church. Ever!

The last time I went to church (other than I believe Easter this year when I visited my mother) - or my children went to church was November 1, 2015. 

I don't know what happened. I don't know why my heart feared church - or why suddenly come Sunday's the anxiety within me somehow becomes far too much.

Well.. I do know what happened - and I let it happen. And it's not okay.
I let a human take away my ability to love the one thing I have always loved - Jesus Christ.

I have , from as far back as I can remember - loved my Lord & Savior.
And I loved him so much, I have spent an entire life searching and seeking after him.
At 13 - despite my mothers hopes - I stopped going to the church I grew up in - and attended a church that while may be not one I would probably attend today - taught me more about my savior than I could have ever learned anywhere else, at that exact time.

8th grade was probably one of the hardest years of my life. I only specifically remember it because of how hard it was. And it was hard because I loved my Savior so much.
I didn't care if I was a 'nerd' or 'geek' or 'loser' because I loved Jesus Christ.

Maybe in the south it's 'cool' or 'trendy' or even 'the norm' to love Jesus Christ.
But not where I grew up.
Even if people did attend church - they were not on fire with the Spirit within them.
At least not at 13.

But it didn't matter. I had Jesus. That was all I needed.

And every year since then - I have continued to seek and search and run for Christ in different but always in my own way.

Even in the darkest of times - one where I was so desperate to save a failing marriage, I tried to proclaim I was atheist, so that I could somehow relate.

But I wasn't. I may have desperately tried to turn my back on Christ - but Christ has never once turned his back on me.

Ever.

So why am I struggling so hard to return to him?
Why does a bible feel like it weighs a billion pounds.
Why does even thought of driving to church - let alone walking in - overwhelm my soul so much that I can't bare the thought of doing it.

I don't know. And that is the absolute truth

But I also know that somehow, I need to find the strength to lift a billion pound bible - and then open it - and then read it.

And I need to find the strength to not just drive - but to open the door - grab a grumpy 2 year old (and perhaps a 9 and 11 year old) and go home.

Home. Church.

And ironically - as soon as I began to write home - in reference to church - I realized that my entire "I haven't been to church in 2 years" statement isn't true.

Because I had been to church.
I don't recall how many times.
3? 5?

Enough to bring and invite multiple friends.

And to even make friends there.

Funny how Christ works - and reminds us.

And with that I know where I need to go.

Watch out, RCC. You're about to get a really devoted person.
Not a member today - or tomorrow.
But a really devoted person.
Who brings with her not the typical RCC life. Because I have a past.
But I have a future.
And I have a Savior who loves me despite my past.

So here's to me getting over my own pride and fear.
To me stop judging others - out of fear I am being judged myself.

Even if I am the only single mom.
Even if I have a really weird past of Scientology, Mormon, Atheism and everything else in between.

Because in reality - while I may be the only single mom.
And I may be slightly older than the rest of the congregation.
We all probably listened to Five Iron Frenzy and Jars of Clay growing up - and went to Creation - and get it.

And most importantly - we're members of Christ's Church.  Where walls are nothing.

And in reality - While I think I may so desperately need you - Christ calls us where he needs us - and I think maybe, somehow, Frederick and RCC need me.