18 October, 2016

This is realness - this is life.

Despite imperfections, which each and every one of us have - and perhaps one of mine is or perhaps one one of my redeeming traits is (depends on how you see it, I reckon) -
Despite battles.
Despite doing this all alone.
Despite being tired at times - because I am a single mom, I deserve to be tired.
Despite being hurt - because there's no denying things said, behaviors done, and actions by people have hurt me.
Despite the cruel coldness that has been spit on me since I found out I was pregnant over two years ago.
Since all of that, and despite all of that - I have never not allowed a certain person to be part of Em's life. Despite my aching heart because of how much I loved him, I never stopped talking to him on her behalf. 

Even when he, repeatedly would treat me awful, and not help, and not contribute, and not visit, and not even respond to a text message(for weeks and months on end, whenever it suddenly "re-became" convenient for him) - even despite all of that. I sent photos. I offered opportunities to Skype. I went above and beyond my hurt heart and anger at what and how he treated me.

Because I was trying to make a father.

And as someone that was bluntly honest with me recently said: "You can't (always) make fathers, but you can find one. You are beautiful, and she is amazing - so go find one."

Father G-d - it's time, give me the strength I plea. 
I have three lils that deserve me to find my own happiness and strength now. They know, and will continue to know that I am and have been strong for them - but it's time I learn to be strong for me.

Addison Elisabeth Hill, who made me a mom and Brooklyn Reed Hill who is the most amazing handsome little guy and Emily Ruth Pettrey who helped me realize I was stronger than I knew - I love you weirdos! <3