19 June, 2016

The darkness followed me as I grew up too - and yet I somehow still haven't given up.



Let me tell anyone struggling.
Anyone hurting.
Anyone facing hard times.

In my life? I've too faced unfortunately countless times of pain, hurt, and anguish.
I've had the adversity of life completely overwhelm me in moments.

I've been beaten, raped, and threatened by a figure I should have only looked up to, loved, and trusted.

I've struggled with anorexia, obesity, and every other eating too much/barely eating/exercising too much/not being able to move at all/etc moment Yeah. I've been at both ends. Both multiple times.

I've dealt with heartache that consumes you and nearly overtakes you.
Heartache that just seems to - NEVER.GO.AWAY.
Heartache that makes you fall to the floor, and cry and beg and plead - day after day - shower after shower - "Why me?!"

More times than I want to admit has my heart been crushed. By more people than I thought was even possible.

I've had children - children when I was far too young, and a child when I was probably far too old.

I've lost jobs. I've lost friends. I've seen the face of death - losing a parent at 17, losing my best friend in Irag at 19 -, losing another close friend at 25 to cerebral palsy- a friend that was the only person whoever truly got me. A friend that was only the person that stood by me despite and yet because of everything. A friend that defended me in the face of danger when my entire world turned their backs. I will never stop missing or loving you Eric and Nion.

I've lost my hero - the woman who took me under her wing and helped raise me as a young child - my grandmother. I've lost my father. I've lost too many people.

At 30 years of age I have seen too many obituaries, funerals, caskets, and heartaches.

And I've watched too many of my friends face the same or even harder adversities.

And yet some how - somehow we're all still here.
Because we refused to give up..
Even in the darkest of dark moments - we refused to let the candle completely dim.

And learning of someone who chose to diminish their own candle recently... My heart was overwhelmed with anguish, despite not even knowing that person.

I pray somehow, that if any one who reads this is struggling with depression. Is contemplating taking their life. If anyone reading this somehow for whatever reason thinks the absolute only way to go forward, is to stop it.

If anyone who somehow stumbles upon this and is contemplating suicide.

I urge you to reconsider.
You are truly not alone. Even when the world turns it back on you. Even if you've made mistake after mistake and there's no room for any more mistakes.

Even if you've lost the love of your life.

Even if you think you have no reason to continue on.

I beg you to reconsider.

I beg, because I have been there.
And somehow - I survived.
Somehow I carried on.
Somehow I carry on.

And it's not always going to be easy.
And I can't promise tomorrow will bring anything easier.

But one day - one day, ONE DAY - I promise you, you will be grateful to be alive.

We will be grateful you are alive.
Your world will be grateful.


Suicide doesn't resolve anything - and in the end prevents a world that needed you, from having you.