30 June, 2016

The Lord Stands Beside Us

I have another post that I wrote a couple days ago.
It is sitting in my 'drafts' folder. It's done - it's finalized. But is it something I really want to share? Not today. Not now. And yet, it's probably one of the most empowering, and important messages I have ever written on this 'silly' blog.

Yet, what I am about to share is right up there - and I am grateful that this one is a bit more uplifting, despite my attempts at making the previously mentioned post 'uplifting' when it was an intransigent and negative experience - but one that allowed me to move on, and feel empowered. Empowered for myself, for my children, and for others in similar situations.

I digress.

We are all faced with times of doubt. With times of hardship. With times where our actions, decisions, and thoughts even make our own selves question what we were thinking when we acted (or reacted) in such a manner.

No matter who you are - there are moments, situations and split seconds that we wish we had made a different choice. Do we regret our choices or decisions? I certainly hope not - because it allows an individual to learn, grow and move forward. Though I acknowledge that others may look back on situations and be capable of only seeing regret.

I've been there.

And truth be - so have many others.

Enter Blaine Young. 

Now, I didn't grow up in Frederick County. In fact I only randomly moved here on a 'whim' in 2011 - as a newly separated single mother at not even 26.

After that seperation, being 'young and fit and single' for the first time in my life, I dated. A lot. And one of those interactions introduced me to conservative, republican values. While that relationship was vitriol in the simplist of terms - it also taught me a lot about myself, and encouraged me to seek and learn.

That failed relationship (thank goodness) lead me to the Frederick GOP community. Let's bypass unnecessary mistakes, ignorances and truly juvenile decisions (Like thinking I knew anything at all about politics, or running for office... hahahah).

I was also introduced to those in power here in Frederick County - and Blaine Young was one of them. At the time, he served as Frederick County's commissioner. He came from a political bleeding family. A family of power, importance and wealth.

Fast forward many years, times, and situations - and that same powerful, well off, and sinner (as we all are) Blaine found himself in yet another bad situation. A mistake that would truly transform his life.

Had he chosen to allow that 'bad decision' to overwhelm and overtake him, Blaine could have failed. And yet instead, he allowed it - in public view point (even when others said don't do this! delete this! don't talk about this in public! etc.) to showcase how he was using this poor decision and consequences to overcome and empower him.

In a recent conversation that I was privileged to engage with Blaine - I explained how I wish I could see the power and opportunity that he does despite circumstances and poor decisions.

There was a list of quality advice and honesty that was reveled in a mere 5 minute Facebook conversation, and yet one of the most empowering statements he made, has stayed with me since (and thankfully, through my own recent mistakes).

"Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself." 
- Blaine Young
What does that statement mean? Well, I think it's one that is truly up for intrepreation. As we all have our own battles and demons to overcome. And whether they are blasted all over the front page of the Frederick News Post - or they are ones that are hidden from anyone but our own selves - we all still struggle.

We all still fall short. "... for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of G-d" (Romans 3:23)

But we are never left alone. (Deut 31:6, Psalm 27:10, 1 Samuel 12:22, etc etc etc!)

And my wish is that when those of us who do have to lose ourselves - that when we find ourselves - we find also, that we were never alone in that difficult walk.

The Lord stands beside us - even when we don't want to accept Him.
The Lord stands beside us - even when we don't want to acknowledge Him.
The Lord stands beside us - even when we fall so terribly short.

The Lord stands beside us - always -
 even when we must find ourselves again.

19 June, 2016

The darkness followed me as I grew up too - and yet I somehow still haven't given up.

Let me tell anyone struggling.
Anyone hurting.
Anyone facing hard times.

In my life? I've too faced unfortunately countless times of pain, hurt, and anguish.
I've had the adversity of life completely overwhelm me in moments.

I've been beaten, raped, and threatened by a figure I should have only looked up to, loved, and trusted.

I've struggled with anorexia, obesity, and every other eating too much/barely eating/exercising too much/not being able to move at all/etc moment Yeah. I've been at both ends. Both multiple times.

I've dealt with heartache that consumes you and nearly overtakes you.
Heartache that just seems to - NEVER.GO.AWAY.
Heartache that makes you fall to the floor, and cry and beg and plead - day after day - shower after shower - "Why me?!"

More times than I want to admit has my heart been crushed. By more people than I thought was even possible.

I've had children - children when I was far too young, and a child when I was probably far too old.

I've lost jobs. I've lost friends. I've seen the face of death - losing a parent at 17, losing my best friend in Irag at 19 -, losing another close friend at 25 to cerebral palsy- a friend that was the only person whoever truly got me. A friend that was only the person that stood by me despite and yet because of everything. A friend that defended me in the face of danger when my entire world turned their backs. I will never stop missing or loving you Eric and Nion.

I've lost my hero - the woman who took me under her wing and helped raise me as a young child - my grandmother. I've lost my father. I've lost too many people.

At 30 years of age I have seen too many obituaries, funerals, caskets, and heartaches.

And I've watched too many of my friends face the same or even harder adversities.

And yet some how - somehow we're all still here.
Because we refused to give up..
Even in the darkest of dark moments - we refused to let the candle completely dim.

And learning of someone who chose to diminish their own candle recently... My heart was overwhelmed with anguish, despite not even knowing that person.

I pray somehow, that if any one who reads this is struggling with depression. Is contemplating taking their life. If anyone reading this somehow for whatever reason thinks the absolute only way to go forward, is to stop it.

If anyone who somehow stumbles upon this and is contemplating suicide.

I urge you to reconsider.
You are truly not alone. Even when the world turns it back on you. Even if you've made mistake after mistake and there's no room for any more mistakes.

Even if you've lost the love of your life.

Even if you think you have no reason to continue on.

I beg you to reconsider.

I beg, because I have been there.
And somehow - I survived.
Somehow I carried on.
Somehow I carry on.

And it's not always going to be easy.
And I can't promise tomorrow will bring anything easier.

But one day - one day, ONE DAY - I promise you, you will be grateful to be alive.

We will be grateful you are alive.
Your world will be grateful.

Suicide doesn't resolve anything - and in the end prevents a world that needed you, from having you.