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A praying mother will have to suffice.

Today I had every intention of slacking... of finding/discovering/developing some excuse so that I didn't have to attend church. Selfish, not only as a Christian myself, but as a mother who is trying to raise her children to know and love the Lord.

And then my son asked me, first thing when we woke up, if I knew what today was - and proceeded to tell me it was the day Jesus prepared to go to Jerusalem to be denied and then crucified. Woah. Boom. Enough said ... and off we went.

Its hard to believe it was 3 years ago this week that I felt the amazing presence of the Spirit - so much so, that I gave myself to the Lord. I wrote about that amazing experience here.

I selfishly did not want to go - because it was one more reminder - one more 'holiday' that I am without the man I love. (I guess I should be used to that by now...). But because faith was such a part of our relationship (or at least for me), it is something I long and miss for deeply, and today (and the week to come) will be a reminder of the realities of being without him now.

I miss having a praying boyfriend. I miss having a praying fiance. I longed for a praying husband. But more so, I longed for a praying father for my daughter... A praying mother will have to suffice.

I really just want to remove my heart. I wish I could just not care anymore. I am so overwhelmed with heartbreak that I don't understand how I'm supposed to go on and ever feel 'normal' again. I don't WANT to feel normal again - because this is not normal. I miss Brad so much. In case I haven't said that a million times already in the past 6 months...

Happy Holy Week.