I admit - I suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) which pretty much should be defined as "during the winter life is traumatic seeming, doom and gloom surround my mind". But with the recent weather changes - it has been so nice to drive home from work with the windows down, blaring the local Christian radio station, and just soaking in all the good that G-d has provided and given to me as of late.
Even though 90% of my day is consumed with anxiety - as I unfortunately can't seem to turn that off - there seems to be hopes and glimpses of 'sunshine' and I won't turn those down.
While I have many things ahead to be worried about (and appropriately so), I more importantly have so much to be grateful for, and I don't let a day pass that I don't thank my Father in Heaven for all that He has and continues to do in my life.
But I also admit, I'm still in this circus funk of running home, jumping in bed, and crying in the comfort of my pillows and blankets. I wish I could turn this heartbreak off. I wish I could just move on. I wish I didn't care. I wish I didn't desire anything but TO move on. I wish I didn't desire anything but peace about the past and strength for the future. I wish I didn't hope. I wish I didn't wish, hope or pray that one day things might be different... because I know deep down, they won't ever be.
One day at a time...