29 March, 2015

A praying mother will have to suffice.

Today I had every intention of slacking... of finding/discovering/developing some excuse so that I didn't have to attend church. Selfish, not only as a Christian myself, but as a mother who is trying to raise her children to know and love the Lord.

And then my son asked me, first thing when we woke up, if I knew what today was - and proceeded to tell me it was the day Jesus prepared to go to Jerusalem to be denied and then crucified. Woah. Boom. Enough said ... and off we went.

Its hard to believe it was 3 years ago this week that I felt the amazing presence of the Spirit - so much so, that I gave myself to the Lord. I wrote about that amazing experience here.

I selfishly did not want to go - because it was one more reminder - one more 'holiday' that I am without the man I love. (I guess I should be used to that by now...). But because faith was such a part of our relationship (or at least for me), it is something I long and miss for deeply, and today (and the week to come) will be a reminder of the realities of being without him now.

I miss having a praying boyfriend. I miss having a praying fiance. I longed for a praying husband. But more so, I longed for a praying father for my daughter... A praying mother will have to suffice.

I really just want to remove my heart. I wish I could just not care anymore. I am so overwhelmed with heartbreak that I don't understand how I'm supposed to go on and ever feel 'normal' again. I don't WANT to feel normal again - because this is not normal. I miss Brad so much. In case I haven't said that a million times already in the past 6 months...

Happy Holy Week.

16 March, 2015

I admit - I suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) which pretty much should be defined as "during the winter life is traumatic seeming, doom and gloom surround my mind". But with the recent weather changes - it has been so nice to drive home from work with the windows down, blaring the local Christian radio station, and just soaking in all the good that G-d has provided and given to me as of late.

Even though 90% of my day is consumed with anxiety - as I unfortunately can't seem to turn that off - there seems to be hopes and glimpses of 'sunshine' and I won't turn those down.

While I have many things ahead to be worried about (and appropriately so), I more importantly have so much to be grateful for, and I don't let a day pass that I don't thank my Father in Heaven for all that He has and continues to do in my life.

But I also admit, I'm still in this circus funk of running home, jumping in bed, and crying in the comfort of my pillows and blankets. I wish I could turn this heartbreak off. I wish I could just move on. I wish I didn't care. I wish I didn't desire anything but TO move on. I wish I didn't desire anything but peace about the past and strength for the future. I wish I didn't hope. I wish I didn't wish, hope or pray that one day things might be different... because I know deep down, they won't ever be.

I digress.

One day at a time...

11 March, 2015

Lord, restore the joy I had I have wandered, bring me back In this darkness, lead me through Until all I see is You

I am in love with this song!

At the end of December, I thought it would be a good idea (per someone’s “awesome suggestion”) to drive to South Carolina. Exhausted from not having slept the night before, I got in my car at 11am and drove til I arrived at about 7pm. Fast forward an hour or so, and I turned the car around to go home (Maryland). Minus a brief stint where I pulled over for an hour to try and sleep (Which I didn’t really), I drove through the night. After, may I remind you, not sleeping the night before.

To say I was overwhelmed with exhaustion and emotion was an understatement.

At about 4:00 am, a half an hour prior to getting home – perhaps it was delusion from not sleeping or perhaps it was being overwhelmed with the emotion of heartbreak – something in me compelled me to ‘re-give’ my life to Christ.

I never wrote about the experience – because though I had such a profound commitment in that moment, my spiritual walk has been slacking lately (as I’ve written about).

But the amazing thing about being a Christian – is that Christ never leaves us, abandons us, or turns His back on us…
even when we’ve done those exact things to Him!

G-d, I'm running for Your heart

Till I am a soul on fire