31 July, 2012

It's not easy to dance with a devil on your back...

so shake it off.

What a song... I was looking for interpretations for "Lord of the dance" (the song, not the musical dance), when I discovered the Florence song with these lyrics... How ironic that the entire song (florence's) be about me right this very moment.

When we are in the darkest parts of life (as in, "it's always darkest before the dawn"): it's hard to see where any good lies... but if the following people + MANY!!!, weren't in my life, I would have choked & gone overboard by now.


Without the love of my family: not just my (beyond amazing) mother & step'boyfriend/dad/"Keeper": but including my sister (and her amazing girlfriend who is like a sister to me), and my brother and his amazing fiance (who is going to be a sister to me), and the love of my (beyond perfect and forgiving) children, without the love and support (even in non-obvious, voluminousness ways)of my ex-husband, and without my bosses' who heck are sometimes more like family:
i'd be dead.
I'd have nothing left to live for.

Truly. Honestly. Earnestly I speak such.

without the continous support of my friends : near & far, without those who let me call them at 2am drunk, or 7am sober bitchfest crying... without those who just leave gentle reminders of love and encouragement, people who from highschool have left me messages & comments on my facebook giving me daily boosts - that literally 'came out of the woodwork'. 

without all the chiropractors in my life (ha!) who have supported me non stop, without all the priests/pastors/youth ministers/youth group leaders/ex christians/atheists/mormons/muslims/etc! that have supported me as of late, without all the people who have allowed me to cling to them when i needed them the most, and yet it's not been reciprocated... for all of them... 

for everyone i'm forgetting,
for every thing and every purpose i feel driven to... 
 without it, i'd be dead. 
and yet here i write to tell you, 
i was made to soar.

19 July, 2012

On finally listening to my darn convictions...

Many years ago - I remember after my son was born - I wanted to find my 'religion' (relationship). I had been through many faiths/non-faiths/journey's (as still, 5 years later, I have been) - but I felt convicted to go in a direction - but as I do so fervently well, I ignored the prompting entirely.

9 months ago - whilst sitting in the 'lite' version of it- I had that similar prompting and conviction - quite strongly, so much so that it was hard to ever 'enter' into that place - whether it be for church services or for other events/meetings.

I promised the biff (bff plus an 'i' since she is bff with eeeeeveryone, but only biff with 'i'.!) i wouldn't go all "jesusXcore" crazy on her - but the reality is, (as it is unfortunately so easy to do) when I've entered the true lows of lows in my life - I've searched out that relationship the most - and that's what has gotten me through each and every hard time. I wish I could cling to that relationship when life is easy - I still 'go' through the motions - I don't know when the last time I didn't go to church was ( other than the literal 3 week gap from being kicked out of my Mormon ward to christian church leap) since May of last year. I still read my bible constantly the past year+ , I've never gone back to that "life is so awesome I'll claim I'm atheist for 3 years" phase - but , I was a 'dry christian' - I lived the motions, I practiced the acts, but I didn't know Jesus.

But I think after 5 years, I think it's time I actually jump on that conviction - and 'soar' with it... What better time than this present time of overhaul in my life, than to actually listen to my conviction's & follow through?