tie a string around your finger

Lately I have been trying to ‘not have my grandmother’s death’ be in vain… thus I have clung to the truest thing I know right now – that I aim to be half the woman she is one day, and if I get there – I will know I have done good in my life.

I am not proud of many of the things I have done. I cannot go back in time and change them. I cannot change circumstances, happenings, non-happenings, thoughts, words or actions. I can only live in the present – and I accept that. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t often think about the things I have done – foolish things: things that have hurt people – whether they will ever know of it, or whether the hurt was immediate. Things that have left a permanent scar on myself because of how I acted and/or reacted.

I think about the choices and decisions I have made in my life – and think about the things that have come because of those actions – deeply thinking about who I have effected, what I have brought to transpiration, etc. Would I choose to do those same acts upon my grandmother? Would I do that same thing if I knew that my grandmother was on the other end? I need to learn to love – all – like I loved my grandmother. To give that same outpouring of true, true love and trust – to give people the benefit of the doubt, rather than always expecting the worst from them.

… Just a reminder to myself, I suppose.