I keep hearing that it's better that my grandmother be out of pain - that she wanted to go, she was ready, she lived 89 years, she was tired, etc... 

But oh selfish me, I am lost.  I fake the days pass, just hoping I can go long enough to not cry in public - to try and avoid the topic by any and all costs - 

My entire life I've stayed strong - endured, because I believed that if only - I had the strength and never ending support and love of my grandmother. When I felt like my entire family and all of my friends turned their back, that my world was caving in and I was sinking fast - I never once questioned the love of my grandmother. She was my absolute rock - she was my fountain of never ending love & wisdom, she was my perfect example of Christ, she was my absolute Hero.

I miss her so.. so... so... much. I regret every minute I didn't sit with her. I regret every story I didn't pay attention to.I regret any time that wasn't given to her. I regret not holding her longer. I regret not laying by her hands longer. I regret not kissing her goodbye. I regret so much - and I was the one who always said I didn't believe in regrets... and here I am, overcome with them.

And she's gone. And I can't get over it.

 (my dad's grave)

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.