08 October, 2011

That bottom ring? That was given to me, by my mother, 8 years ago when I was dunked 1.0... She actually came to my baptism - and she spoke things I wish I would have never taken for granted, and shared things I wish I remembered verbatim - because now they have drizzled, and she believes me not that she once spoke them. Nor did she attend 2.0... nor would she. Her only reference to my church is to ask if I'm "still going" - (which come on folks, I don't blame her, nor any of you, for asking that - but I've lived in Frederick 5 months - in 5 months I've missed church -once- because I was in Chicago for work. I am not perfect - but I realize that's why I NEED the gospel - and so even admit my trials & struggles, I will never -never- walk away from my the hand of my Savior, again.)

When we need something the most - we tend to run away from it. I'm trying to break that habit, I'm trying to cling to it.

I've never clung this hard to the gospel. I've never been so faithful and diligent to - really probably, anything.. I begin every morning with some type of scripture study and prayer - and I end the day the same. If I get time to read extra, I read - talks from past conferences, the ensign, the standard works, scriptures, gospel-centered books, etc etc etc. I am in most need of the gospel - and I, knowing that, am making sure to give myself to that.

07 October, 2011


I'm sorry all I write about is church church, gospel, church - but truly that is what my life centers around. It is the focus of my every day - something that keeps me encouraged when times are hard, and yet keeps me mindful & humble when things could go to my head. I'm getting my patriarch blessing this Sunday! I am kind of freaking? Kind of not. I feel really 'prepared'. I feel emotionally 'ready', I feel spiritually 'hungry' for it. And yet, I don't understand the huge meaning in it - because everyone is 'so excited' for me and I'm like "..." But truly I know that it's a beautiful gift that our loving Father in Heaven gives to us - and so I am grateful that the Bishop worked with me in getting it done!

Kirby & I broke up - meaning our friendship ended... Cest' la vie. And with that - I (re)began my exercise addiction - I've run and/or walked every night this week - and I am loving it. Still yet to use that gym membership... but it's there when I'm too cold to go outside, in the mean time I'll soak in every night run I can while I still can! I was supposed to have my 'weight' gone by my 26th birthday. I was also supposed to have it gone by July. Obviously neither of those happened - but truly I am back in the habit of working on myself, and working towards progression. Life is a constant state of progression, is it not? Why not make it worth while!

I am going to the temple on Wednesday to do baptisms. At least I'm supposed to. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. I want to - and yet I don't. I mean of course I want to, but rather, am I ready? Am I truly worthy? I'm trying to really realize the worthiness of my soul in all things... but it's hard. I'm reading "Beliving Christ" and it's helping, a lot, but still... I was emailing with a guy that is going Wednesday and his only advice was to "remember that I will be entering the house of the Lord" and all of a sudden I freaked - and thought OH I'M NOT WORTHY, I'M NOT READY! THIS KID CAN TELL! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

One step at a time... Even if it's not Wednesday, I know that I have that goal in mind - I know there's no greater place I'll feel the strength of the spirit.  But, even if 'just' for baptisms, I don't want to go when I'm not ready - but then the other part of me thinks when will I ever 'be ready' - I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be, and is this Satan just playing a game of tug-of-war and winning, big? Blahk!

It's hard to believe this photo was taken over a year ago. At the temple. It's hard to believe I was "never going to be LDS again but it's a beautiful thought" in this picture. It's hard to think of who I was then vs. who I am now - that alone, is proof that life is a constant journey, a journey of progression, both personally & spiritually. I've come a long way - I have yet to go, a long way - and this is where I'm at.

Hole?I miss your face. I miss you so, so terribly much. I don't think there is a person on this earth right this very moment that my heart aches to see and be with as much as you. I love you. Thank you for never giving up on me, in me, or with me. Thank you for dealing with my ups & my downs. Thank you for letting me ramble - and thanks for letting me not ramble most the time because I'd rather avoid reality. I love you big! ♥ Who knew that I may get to watch you be sealed one day!? As I told you in the draper temple 2 years ago (yeah, the day I called it ugly) - I will be here one day. Watching you. I had no idea what that meant - because I was "hardcore atheist" then - and I wrote an entire post (here) about how "Ugly" the Draper Temple was. But I knew, in that moment, that I would one day be there - I didn't know HOW, or WHY, but I knew - you knew. Our souls knew! Anam Cara! ♥ 

Life is obviously suck-tastic for me right now. I'm pretty much falling apart, with a few sparadic moments of bliss and sanity in between. But as far as being who I need to be or at least even who I have to be to face the day - aint happening. That being said, here's some random bits & pieces of reality the past week (all taken with my crappy phone, so don't judge my 1mp camera!):

I began drinking last Friday. I decided I was 25 years old, and I was ready. I've done so with much responsibility, except for day 1. Day 1 was the worst experience of my life - and the few days that followed, were pathetic &

I'm supposed to post a photo of my 'ideal' body, what I want to achieve long term, and thus I began googling 'yoga body', 'healthy body', etc. But the more and more bodies I saw, the more I realized those aren't my body - most likely will never be 'my body; This entire 'exercise' gave great peace to my mind, body, and soul: because I realized that I must learn to love my body. I must learn to love every inch of my body, as it is now, as it was, and as I desire for it to be. There's always going to be something I want to perfect: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually: there will always be room for improvements. But as I say, I am Blair: and this is me:

02 October, 2011

The Book of Miracles, The Plan of Happiness, A Gospel of Truthfulness

I know that I struggle. I know that I have my own personal trials and that I am not always the best example, but if for some reason my life were to end tonight - I would want each of you that reads this blog - to know my true and everlasting understanding of the gospel of Christ. In the few short months since I re-joined the church;, in the many years that I investigated the church - my heart felt, my heart filled, and my spirit knew.

If we live righteously, we can be blessed in amazing ways. And righteously does not mean perfect - for if we were perfect, there would be no need for our savior, no need for this gospel, and no need for this church. 

If you haven't, I would encourage each of you to just meet with the missionaries in your area. Just hear what these young men, who for 2 years selflessly gave up their lives (and paid for it themselves), to serve their Lord - to share with you the gospel of Christ. You can go here to have local missionaries in your area come speak to you. I'm not saying get baptized, I'm not saying go and accept the gospel - I'm saying-rather, I'm asking that you just seek out the potential truth that this church, this gospel may have for you, in your life.

Pray - if you don't have a book of mormon, let me know and I will get you one. Read it. Whether you read it as a history-fiction novel, or for perhaps more than that - just read it. It has changed my life - it's not just the book of mormon, but a book of miracles.

Through any trial, any struggle, any confusion - I know without a doubt that I have a loving father in heaven, who is mindful and knows me, individually.  I leave with you one of my favorite verses in the book of Mormon.

 37 Now my brethren, we see that God is amindful of everybpeople, whatsoever land they may be in; yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth. Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever. Amen.


The hills that come after the mountain...

When you've tackled mountains - mountains that stand tall.
 High above the rest of the world.
That overlook all the many great obstacles 
and challenges that were required of you to get to the top.... 
When you've done that,
you would think conquering the hills would be easy. 

But what you don't understand, 
is that when you've conquered a ferocious mountain, 
it takes a lot from you. 
You arrive at the top. 
You feel strong - because you got there - but you're exhausted. 
You're not ready to even set foot to go back down the mountain - 
but you're strong enough to sit and rest a while on that mountain. 

But then the hill's come. Hill. after Hill. after Hill.
And you weren't ready.
Are we ever ready?
But you were exhausted. 
And you've no energy left to fight. 
You've no energy to take the few easy steps up to the top of the hills. 
... then what happens?