26 August, 2011

The purpose in Gethsemane.

In golden youth when seems the earth
A Summer-land of singing mirth,
When souls are glad and hearts are light,
And not a shadow lurks in sight,
We do not know it, but there lies
Somewhere veiled under evening skies
A garden which we all must see—
The garden of Gethsemane.
With joyous steps we go our ways,
Love lends a halo to our days;
Light sorrows sail like clouds afar,
We laugh, and say how strong we are.
We hurry on; and hurrying, go
Close to the border-land of woe,
That waits for you, and waits for me—
Forever waits Gethsemane.
Down shadowy lanes, across strange streams,
Bridged over by our broken dreams;
Behind the misty caps of years,
Beyond the great salt fount of tears,
The garden lies. Strive as you may,
You cannot miss it in your way.
All paths that have been, or shall be,
Pass somewhere through Gethsemane.
All those who journey, soon or late,
Must pass within the garden’s gate;
Must kneel alone in darkness there,
And battle with some fierce despair
God pity those who can not say,
“Not mine but thine,” who only pray,
“Let this cup pass,” and cannot see
The purpose in Gethsemane.
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox

24 August, 2011

We all want to know, how it ends.
Oh, happily ever after, wouldn’t you know, wouldn’t you know.
Oh, skip to the ending, who’d like to know, I’d like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?

We all have a story to tell.
Whether we whisper or yell.
.... do I end up happy?

21 August, 2011

The other night I was reading my scriptures, when I came across D&C 6:22 & 23; which say:
22 Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might aknow concerning the truth of these things.
23 Did I not speak a peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater bwitness can you have than from God?
It spoke to my soul in such a 'hardcore' manner - because I am  constantly one who looks for that 'big boom' - the big, in your face reminders of faith, beliefs, truthfulness - the ones that startle you in your way.

Since being baptized, I have struggled - extensively, with whether or not I made the right choice to choose the church, whether or not I made the decision too fast ( because 8 years was not enough time to study/ponder/pray?) And somewhere within me, something says if you knew without a doubt the church was true -would you even be struggiling with this?

Since joining the church I feel like the second I went under in the baptismal font and then released out - I lost the spirit. That I have revealed and aimed to become a different person - and in any way possible that is as far from who I truly desire to be, as possible.

I struggle with my past, I struggle with mistakes I've done. I struggle with not being where I want to be, thus I struggle with not progressing because I relish in mistakes I've made in the past. I met with the bishop soon after being baptized, and after the meeting I swore allegiance to never speak to him in any 'serious' manner, to avoid any callings/offerings/ideas/or anything else of that matter affiliated with him or church - because of something he said to me... I wanted so desperately to not take this man seriously; because of his lack of experience, because of his young age, blahblahblah - but the reality was, he knew what Heavenly Father wanted him to know - and I didn't want to accept that. I still go to church, but rarely to all the meetings, I've given way to temptations, avoided anything extracurricular relating to church outside of that Sunday morning 3 hour block.

The bishop, my bishop, looked at me and told me that he felt compelled to share with me, that I have been forgiven - and that I need to know that with my baptism, I was forgiven for the transgressions of my past, so I need to forgive myself.

How could this 'young', 'inexperienced', man know anything about me or my past - and more than that, why would he know what was my biggest trial & struggle? The one that wants to eat my inner most core- that wants to see me struggle and trial and not reap the blessings that Heavenly Father has intended for me.

I sometimes forget, in my over-excitement of the moment I'm in - whatever type of moment that may be (Good, bad, mundane, etc) - that there is a greater meaning and purpose to what that moment means. And that when I struggle; it's usually only a preparation for something greater to come. With every tribulation I have faced in my life - I have come out, stronger & more "Blair" like. And when looking back, I know that with each struggle, I have also been blessed. In fact, my biggest struggles in this life have always been preparatory for my greatest blessings.

Tonight I received confirmation, yet again, that the church is true. A reminder to restore my faith in the gospel, in my church, in where I've chosen to plant my feet. And it wasn't anything big, or great, or in-your-face. It wasn't one specific moment, thought, word spoken, prayer answered... but a collaboration of accepting the trials that have been placed before me ; being grateful for all that I currently have ; finding hope in what is in store for my future ; being reminded that there is something more than just 'this'; accepting that I can't just half-assed - put one foot in, but one foot out  - and expect to be fully blessed. Accepting and fully understanding, that I must with my entirety give up of myself, relinquish what held me to my past, and fully feet-cemented-in, give of my self and my life - to receive the many blessings I have been promised.

And quietly in those collective moments, I re-gave myself to what I did on July 2nd, to what I did 8 years ago. Fully comprehending what choices I was making, and understanding what would have to change and become of me to fully give myself to the choice I was making. And with an understanding that the spirit doesn't always yell, shout, or shake us - but it's sometimes that 'still, small voice' that we have to be open to accepting, quiet enough to hear - I gave myself. I give myself.

Conversion... something we all have to do.

"You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life."
— Joel Osteen

20 August, 2011

25 was/is an amazing year. I learned so much and I somehow managed to conquer much.

I realize every day that I'm no longer the 18 year old I sometimes feel or think I am. And that's a stinky realization - especially when I feel that 26 is so fast approaching, and that I'm not exactly where I thought I would be.

Really - I should have my masters, work for the government doing human analysis studies or something intricate of the sort, I thought I would be married, living happily ever after with my lil' family.

Of course, things aren't ever what we imagined them to be - life's a beautiful tail of twists and curves, that we get to hop and jump through with either a smile or a frown - the choice being ours.

I avoid writing in this 'blog' - though it was once my outlet of my deepest, darkest thoughts - because I feel like I live a double life. And what happens when those double lives both realize?

Honestly - I'm not living a double life of the ones many are suspecting - that more, it's a life of where I am strong, and weak. With my words I admit my defeat, but with my actions - I fail to show any sign of weakness. Rare are the tears, rare are the responses that I'm barely hanging on... I'm a goofball - I aim to make people happy. I may be a socially awkward mess, but there's a hecka lot of fun and joy mixed in - enough that people deal with the social awkwardness and keep me around.

But sometimes at my inner most battle, I long for someone to care enough to listen. Care enough to hear what my heart really wants to say... what I really want to say. That I don't have to have others explain pain or emotion or even joy - because I fear that I can't or won't say it accurately.

I'm at a battle - an inner turmoil of storms of great power. And I hate it. Because part of me thinks heck Blair, this is your blog write whatever the heck you want - but the other part of me is running away as fast as I can (or even skipping, to help that facade of happiness I portray so well).

 I know that life is how we perceive it, but sometimes it's really damned hard to accept that life is good when you thought the rain was hard and here comes thunder, and you thought thunder was hard and here comes lightning, and you thought that was hard but here comes sleet, hail, tortuous clouds of black  and dust - but don't stop now, storms that you never knew could exist are still to come.

I've lost the love of my life, the two little beings that fill my heart and give me joy no other ever could, every day I come home to nothingness. I work a gajillion hours, commute half a gajillion hours, spend a quarter of gajillion hours in treatment or meeting with doctors or specialists who will all tell me a different fucking thing and so my head is spinning (more than normal) and I have no idea if I'm going to die tomorrow, or see 100.

I'm embarrassed to admit in reality, that I'm hurt. That I'm sad. That I don't always laugh. That sometimes when I'm alone, I turn off all the lights listen to really freaking weird lyric-less music but somehow is saying exactly what I can not, and think about how in this moment, I could concede and throw the towel in. That sometimes I want desperately for nothing more than a friend to hug - even if vocally I shudder at the thought of being touched. That I want to run so fast, so far - til my legs give out and I fall to the earth and plead with my maker that he take me now.

That now, more than ever, I truly know what hell is - because I face it every damned day. And then I feel so foolish and selfish for even such thoughts - that I try so defeatingly to delete them, to replace them with the 'positive' thoughts - to be grateful for all that I have to be grateful for.

But seriously... for once... I wish someone would just say Blair - I'm here.
I'm here to listen.
I'm here for you.
and I care.

Because after caring so deeply for others for a near dang 26 years; I really wish karma would throw some caring back my way.

Enough to get past the metal walls, surrounded by armies so strong, and glued, nailed, tact'd - walls that are thick and very real... but if I could just allow someone - anyone, to tear them down and be able to know what it means to trust again... that I could finally let go of this desire to no longer breath.

And then the guilt covers me. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I feel stupid for writing these things, especially when they are so counter-intuitive; opposite of how I think I'm supposed to feel, and opposite of who I display the world around me.

16 August, 2011

Take from me my disbelief

I made my slow way home
Limpin' on broken bones
Out of the thickest pine
Onto the county lines
Onto your wooden stairs
I know you can repair
I know you've seen the light
I know you'll get me right

I own a sinner's heart
I know the rain falls hard
I know the currency
I know the things you'll need
I hope He hears my prayers
I see you cut your hair
I know the saving type
I know you get me right

Oh Jesus, I've fallen
I don't mind the rain if
I meet my maker, I meet my maker clean,
but Jesus, the truth is
i've struggled so hard to believe
i'll meet my maker, i need my maker

To cure me of my doubting blood
And drain me of the sins i love
Take from me my disbelief
I know it should come easily
But it remains inside of me
It battles and devours me
It cuddles up beside of me
In whispers, it convinces me

11 August, 2011

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.
Louise Erdrich
from The Painted Drum

07 August, 2011

Brightly beams is by far my favorite hymn, for many reasons...
And making missionaries sing hymns is one of my favorite things to do.
Thus, it only makes sense that prior to departure, I beg them to sing it to me!

02 August, 2011

'Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all...'

Even if they want to take it all away...
 even if life wants to throw tunnels to cave through, 
mountains to climb,
 and seemingly un-ending oceans to swim across... 
I will not give up.
 I will not stop hoping.
 I am stronger.
 I am not finished, 
I am bound for more.

01 August, 2011

Don’t worry about what the world needs.
 Ask what makes you come alive and do that. 
Because what the world needs are people
 who have come alive.
– Howard Thurman