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You know... in less than 12 hours (more like 11 hours and 17 minutes, eek!) I will be doing something that everyone who reads my blog is going to be WTF about.
I didn't tell a soul on this journey (except the soulfriend). I didn't write about it (at all), not even in mysterious manners until just recently. I didn't hint towards it on my facebook, I didn't cleverly leave quotes about it like I do on many 'dear' subjects.

I wanted, with every ounce of my being, to make sure that I knew what I was doing. That I was making an informed, PERSONAL decision, and one that was guided by nothing more than my belief in something. In fact, quite honestly in the process, I made a lot of mistakes. I struggled, I would fall to only be uplifted, I was given signs, I was given promptings, I ignored them and yet still somewhere within me that still small voice spoke.

I moved to Frederick on May 15th. Every Sunday since then I've actively gone to church - something missionary after missionary for years and years and so many (too many) Elder companions have attempted to get me to do. Once a year maybe I'd give in, and show up for sacrament... but that was it. And showing up for sacrament was more of a 'doing the missionaries a nice gesture', not something I was excited about.

But every week I can't wait for Sunday, it's this breath of fresh air that helps push me through the week(s) of hell I'm facing, and will have to face.

I've prayed, I've prayed a hell of a freaking lot. I've read the scriptures, I've spent time studying, pondering, meditating and  searching - I knew that whatever my choice would be, I didn't want to make the same mistake I did 'the first time'. 

I had this stupid approach to life that I thought I was going to make since separating from my husband... that I was going to go out and live like he had; and screw a bunch of people, and drink , and enjoy being single - so that I could at least have 'tasted' my experience. And that one day I could calm down and settle down, and do it knowing I got my 'fun bad side out'. But what this really was amounting to , was my misunderstanding that I had to experience bad before I could experience good... before I could be blessed.

I've made my share of mistakes. I am not perfect; and I will continue to make my share of mistakes, because I will never be perfect. I am merely me; whatever that entails. But I know within the gospel I have found great peace and humility, I Have come to a deeper compassion for the world around me... I have gained a more genuine love and patience. I find comfort and peace in circumstances, though I may not always understand them. The gospel has given me hope, especially in these hard times. I know that I have a father in heaven who truly loves me, and understands the trials that I am going through - and cares.

I could expand further on my 'testimony', I could expand further on the details that have lead me to this decision; but they are personal. They are so dear to me, and I'm so blessed to have experienced them. So with that, I've outed myself... and a "relief" has been lifted. Here's to that pool not turning into flames in the next 12 hours :).

  "The trouble with you is you want to see the end from the beginning...You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you." - Boyd K. Packer

I love this version! ♥