27 April, 2011

Be true to yourself. Attach yourself to the truth of who you are and don't let go.Celebrate your wins. Face your fears. This builds confidence. Don't dwell on your mistakes. Mistakes mean that you are learning. Ask questions. Lots of them.Work hard. Hold yourself accountable. Don't be swayed, manipulated or hoodwinked by negativity. Don't beat yourself up. Celebrate yourself some more.Laugh at yourself. Think of yourself as important and relevant. Picture yourself doing what you want to do and revisit this image often. Believe in it. Feel it. Be patient. Find the value in everything you do. Be your own best friend. Create and share fearlessly. Celebrate. Stay the course. Drown out the haters. Believe. Love the process of becoming. 

Love; it will not betray you Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free. Be more like the man you were made to be

There's very few cds that I can listen to from song 1 through the end, without skipping between songs between. In fact, even artists I claim to love I very rarely can do that. Mumford & sons though, lovetheirguts♥ and can consistently listen from 1 to 11 over & over & over!!! I absolutely adore every single song, and all of their lyrics are incredible (in addition to their musical talent, of course!). Just one of my (many) favorites, that happens to match my current thoughts:

And this amaaaaaazing cover, that I'm in love with:

26 April, 2011

Thanks for the reminder...

This is my 400th blog post, holy heck!

Sometimes when I look in the mirror (oh really, I'm lying, I really mean every time I look in the mirror) I honestly can't see that I've lost weight. I just see a disgusting body. I'm sure lots of women feel the same way, and of course it's not good. But that's the truth. When I see "love your body" video's, I applaud the females for being comfortable enough with the 'imperfect' bodies, but I also want to reach out and tell them that they are living an unhealthy lifestyle, and their bodies are a reflection of that... but I didn't mean to go off/begin to go off on that tangent.

Thankfully a friend reminded me of my dreaded 'wannabe-mormon-mommy' blog, and that plethora of photos on there, that when compared to me now... well look a heck of a lot different. So in a vain manner, I will now show comparisons, so 3 months from now when I respectfully reach my goal weight, I will have even more awesome comparison photos, and can be even more cool and vain then!

Before (230 to 250ish)

At 150ish (currently weighing in at 147, eek!).

Hopefully 3 months from now, at 125ish :)

(and don't worry, the bottom right glasses/ top left glasses in the 'before' photo, have sadly been retired now that they appear to be 10x too large for my face.)

24 April, 2011

I've come to believe that all my past failure and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy.
- Tony Robbins

21 April, 2011

"In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."

For the past month I have been keeping track of my daily "mood"'s... On a scale of 1-10, (10 being awesome, 1 being miserable) I would daily track how I felt. 

In addition, I began doing some minor changes to my diet and lifestyle that I've read 'experts' said would help. I began taking several vitamins/natural supplements that were supposed to help boost serotonin levels and improve my mood. I began drinking more water on a regular basis, I continued exercising in some capacity daily, I spent more time being around those I love and finding more good people to encompass my life. I set a routine for night time and morning time; which included a relatively ideal sleep/wake schedule (with some mishaps, but this is huge since I 'suffer' from insomnia often).  I began eating breakfast (for the first real time since I was a young kid). I began engaging in relaxing moments and activities every so often. And I go on daily walks every evening with my neighbor. (This list sounds like a lot, but truly it's nothing more than what I should have been already doing). 

WHAT DO YOU KNOW!!! I, finally, after too long of feeling hopeless, of having to convince myself that jumping off the overpass wasn't worth it, of screaming in the shower, of crying painful tears into my pillow: have surpassed a 3 on the scale... in fact, I am starting to feel like ME, which I don't think I've ever allowed myself to feel or be!
I'm finally able to accomplish small tasks that prior even knowing there was a great need - I couldn't muster the motivation to do so. I have a desire to see tomorrow, the forgiveness to move past yesterday and the passion to fight for today

I wish I could say that I made these changes organically, by openingly examining my life. But the reality is, I made the changes because had I not, I was doomed. I had hit the rock bottom point where hope is a distant memory and surrender was a shy moment away. I was ready. I was beyond ready to accept that there was nothing more, I was not strong enough, and end it all.

 In all honesty, I can't believe I'm alive today.

But here, I am. The champion I occasionally write about: the champion I occasionally am reminded that I truly am. I have faced great darkness, but I've also seen great beauty: and I know that I want to keep fighting. Keep fighting for me. For my children. For my life. For their lives. For the people in this world who love and care about me, genuinely. For the people who respect me, believe in me, and have hope for me. For them that kept me afloat when I wanted to sink so, SO desperately. 

I keep writing about this great sorrow I've had on my heart since I found out about another one of his affairs in August, and how since November when I fully allowed myself to be emerged in the pain from it ( and all the other girls ), I lost myself. I occasionally wrote about the strength I have; but it was merely lies in hope that if I write it enough, I could find a belief in it.

I would write posts with pretty words and pretty photos, in hopes that in my weakness, if not I - at least someone could potentially find strength and hope.

Those who know me, those who I selectively share bits and pieces with: still had no idea how low I truly was. I didn't want to anyone to know that I walked around with enough pills in my bag to easily escape. That I had to hide my razors because the temptations were too strong. 

 I don't know if I'll ever understand life's timing and life's amazing power to provide when we truly need it most: but I can not express my gratitude to those select few individuals enough... Somehow the world knew that I needed uplifting friends... strong friends, who would deal with my back and forth mumbles, my lies of "I'm fine", the silent reality among the few words I did speak. I hope they know who they are, and how much they mean to me. Unlike the rest of the world that so easily turned their back on me, they fought with me - they stood on my sidelines and cheered me on. A friend whose seen me fight battles for over 10 years, a friend who has only known me during the fight of this battle. A friend whose soul knowingly loves and understands mine even amongst our many differences. 

I finally feeling purpose and truly feel strength in my own self again. 

What lies a head of me won't be easy, but I face the battle equipped with positivity, a heart full of emotion & understanding, a cheerleading squad that's hella strong,  and the belief that

I truly am deserving.

18 April, 2011

There can be great beauty in chaos...

Somehow amongst the bluebird singing his sorrow fueled song, the world gives me gentle nudges and reminders that I have people who are cheering and rooting for me. Not everything nor everyone is against me. I deserve good too. A reminder that there can be great beauty in chaos.

Thank you.

Who knew these things actually work!?

I added some specific supplements into my regular routine that claimed to help out with the blues. It turns out it might work. Even if it's just a mere slight bit better; I'm starting to find myself who I lost so many months and years ago. I trust myself again, which is huge in the battle of discovering myself.

16 April, 2011

"Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life so. Aim above morality. 
Be not simply good, be good for something."
— Henry David Thoreau

15 April, 2011

13 April, 2011

  I want to be like the many other strong women who in my lifetime, and in the lifetimes prior to my own and the lifetimes that will come after mine, pressed forward with their heads held high; fighting for what they knew was right. Unafraid to show my bloodstained fist, pumped in the air!

I feel so strongly that good exists; that it can prevail. That what we're facing as citizens of the United States is not good. What we're facing as citizens of this planet, is not good. I believe in righteousness, and surpassing expectations that false societies set forth for us. We're better than this. We're smarter than this. We're worth more than this. And yet we fill the world with advertisements for Chanel and Armoni, when there's not only children thousands and thousands of miles away starving; but down the street. We continue to vote in ignorance, for people who are doing nothing but harming our country more and more.

I was recently told by an apparently very unaware individual; that those who supported peace & anarchy the most are usually the most ignorant. Well, truly sir, those who think any way other than giving love and power to all people, giving opportunity to all mankind, continuing to live in society with a blind eye...  proudly declaring angst against the man, without believing in the wonder that could come with rising above...well that's true ignorance.

“Anarchism has but one infallible, unchangeable motto, 'Freedom.' Freedom to discover any truth, freedom to develop, to live naturally and fully.”
-Lucy Parsons

12 April, 2011

"You will survive because, there have been loads and loads of times i've been so worried about you how you, will fare through things and life... i realized you were going to make it... 
you always make it."

11 April, 2011

Went hiking with a friend and passed a church which had this sign out, on the way... 
I don't think they know the power of google...